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please help

(12 Posts)
jaspersslave Wed 01-Aug-07 20:39:33

my mum rang me today (strange normally me ringing about my kids) worried cos my younger brother who'll be 13 in a few weeks has heard my mum and step dad having sex in the middle of the night (all happend about 3 months ago as well) he had reacted really bad again saying he hated them and the were sick and cryed for hours. i cant see why he would react like this it never used to bother me
whenever anyone asks him about it he clams up and says if they love each other they should just kiss
really worried
has anyone else had this problems

Hassled Wed 01-Aug-07 20:50:09

Wish I could offer advice but bumping for you. It may just be a matter of poor timing - his adolescent hormones starting to kick in, thinking about sex etc., coinciding with the sudden realisation that his mother's doing it with someone who's not his Dad. I'm sure he'll come to terms with it.

jaspersslave Wed 01-Aug-07 20:57:05

oh sorry for miss understanding. it is his dad but my step dad so not a problem of it not being his dad
thanks anyway

southeastastra Wed 01-Aug-07 20:59:19

i agree with hassled in that 13 is a strange age with hormones (i have a 13 year old son). does he understand sex education fully do you think?

KITTENSOCKS Thu 02-Aug-07 08:21:26

Children never imagine their parents or anyone over the age of 25 really as sexual beings, they all think it's something only the young do!!!!! It's really common and I believe they are really embarrassed about it. Perhaps there is an element of jealousy there, but equally, mum's had her kids now why does she still need to do sex?
I think that a lot of preteens/teens today get a lot of information about the physical side of sex, but very little about the emotional. I think some books would be a brilliant idea, look in WHSmith in childrens reference section. They could be placed in his room without the need for any embarrassment, for him to read in private. Even if he thinks he knows it all, there's always something new to learn, and if his knowledge is patchy, he'll end up well informed. Trying to discuss this issue with your brother at this stage simply won't work, he'll just storm off, so I think books are the best way to go for now.

eyesfront Tue 07-Aug-07 23:06:09

I'm not sure my ds would have read a book like that left in his room at that age.

He is ether normal teenage disgusted and melodramatic and needs to be told to butt out OR he does see kissing = love and sex = something different. Being a teenage boy, in my experience a few short sharp sentences are more likely to have an effect than a deep meaningful discussion (try to trap him alone in the car with you driving him somewhere - no eye contact but he can't escape )

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 01:19:17

Hi jaspersslave
Have posed this question to my DS (14 years old with the wisdom of Solomon!) He says:
At 12 he probably still thinks of sex as something solely to do with making babies. He possibly doesn't appreciate its recreational aspect and maybe doesn't know much about contraception or that women can't have babies at all after a certain age. If he is the only child of this relationship it could be fear and betrayal that his parents want another baby and he is "not enough" and/or jealousy that a new baby would sideline him.
If he already has siblings other than his older half sister it could simply be that he has been shocked into realising that he didn't know his parents as well as he thought he did and could just be feeling generally insecure because of that. (What else have they been hiding from him!?)
Whichever way DS says he should just be reassured that his parents love him and that he is able to talk to them about anything at all that is worrying him at any time and that no-one will be cross with him for being upset.
Any use?

zippitippitoes Wed 08-Aug-07 07:56:30

that was a good post fiddlemama

it could just be that he thinks yuk and embarrassing and doesn't want to hear them...

I feel much the same about my kids having sex in the hoiuse i do not want toi hear it thanks or find used condoms lying i tend to take the yuk disgusting approach

fiddlemama Wed 08-Aug-07 09:15:30

Hi zippitppitoes
You let your children have sex in your house? Oh my! That is something I don't even want to think about yet I guess it will come sooner or later! Do you mind me asking at what age you started to allow it? and what age your DCs? mine are 16,14 and 12 ( 2DDs, 1DS). Can anyone out there with older teens give me some ideas as to what ages/circumstances (ie length/seriousness of relationship) you think are acceptable. Crikey! that particular parenting dilemma hadn't crossed my mind ! Help!!

KITTENSOCKS Wed 08-Aug-07 12:04:56

I seem to remember watching a documentary about the very different attitudes to teenage sex they have in Holland. The teenagers themselves had decided not to have sex at all before 16, and then only if they had been in a relationship for a few months. Based on the argument that lots of teenage relationships don't last, the sex was much more special because they had waited, and knew each other well. They tended to go on group dates; cinema, clubs, sports, dancing, etc getting to know each other and having mutual respect.
It seems that pregnant under 18's there are not given much help from social security, no housing etc, and it is expected that their family will look after them and the baby, providing a home and financial support.
No wonder the Dutch teen pregnancy rate is so low. But the teens themselves said that they were all very open about sex, often discussing issues over the meal table with their families, it was normal to them.
I think this documentary was made to explore ways in which the high teen pregnancy rate in U.K. might be dealt with, by studying a country that seemed to have got it right.

jaspersslave Sat 11-Aug-07 19:56:17

hey thanks so much i have read your posts to my mum and she has found them very intresting
and helpful
thanks ever so much

amicissima Wed 15-Aug-07 23:53:54

Hi fiddlemama. I've been doing a bit of a straw poll among the parents of my teen's friends recently. About a quarter would/do allow sex in their home although they all say that it must be a 'long-term' relationship and over 16.
Of the rest, some think they might change their minds after the DC is over 18 and has left home, ie. when they come home to visit with a g/bf, and some say never, outside marriage (but would not mention creaking floorboards!)
In one couple the DH took one POV and the DW the opposite, which really is a problem!

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