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Sister Trouble(2 Posts)
I feel a bit lost and unsupported with an issue with my sister.
Our parents are in the middle, mum is building a relationship with my sister and dad would rather not be bothered by it.
My partner already feels a bit sour towards my sister due to her being rude to him and also partly my complaints.
My sister is 20 so not quite a teen but very much still in the teen frame of mind.
I took a huge role in her life as a parental/guardian figure and now its bit me in the bum.
The most love came from me, the most support came from me, the most encouragement came from me, the most fun came from me.... household skills, life skills... mostly came from me.
I offered for her to come live with me after college as she didnt want to move with my mum due to their broken relationship and she didnt want to go it alone. We shared a room for the first few months then moved into a flat.
The flat was financially risky however I gave her a handful of grants to apply for and my partners friend is a benefits assessor who would talk her through all the forms with her being a student still.
She didn't do this, only applying for the basic working credits. She was convinced she wouldn't get it but wouldn't try. This rubbed me up the wrong way and to be honest still does. I applied secretly on her behalf and it's still being processed. I applied as it would have cut down both of our expenses and I also wanted to teach her a lesson.
We remained very close for the first few months and then became distant quite quickly.
She wouldn't help around the house and wouldn't do her part. Ignoring it didnt work, addressing it didnt work, being grateful when she did (after telling her) didnt work and hinting at her didnt work. She just simply doesnt want to help.
She also owes me all food pet care toiletries and cleaning product expenses for 2019. Hinting doesnt help, being blunt doesnt help, softly discussing the right way doesnt help. She just doesnt want to pay.
She booked a holiday and only told me the minute before she was leaving. I knew as accidentally stepped on the flight details. She blamed me for not asking her. I said she had 4 months to tell me. She used the food money to go on holiday. Had she kept a good relationship I'd have lent her the money or let her pay me back for food over time. She should know this as I've always been very supportive and encouraged her to make friends and spend time.
We were once best friends. Laughed every day, silly, affectionate, watched films, went out and had fun. Now... she barely wants to speak to me. Any questions I have about her even how her day is she doesnt want to tell me.
I feel like I've made a good go and transitioning back to being sisters. Having her responsible for things, asking her to do her half, encouraged her to make her own decisions, tried not to interfere too much in her life and choices.
I have come to the realisation that perhaps she cannot differentiate. As much as she tells me I'm not her mum if asking when shes home, she treats me like hers. She expects me to buy food cook food do laundry do cleaning and doesnt take any responsibility because it's okay I will do it. I tried to stop. I stopped buying food I stopped cleaning I stopped cooking I did only my laundry. I lasted 3-4 weeks before the house was in an utter state. She refused to step up.
Shes decided at the end of our tenancy shes moving out. A good thing for her to stand on her own two feet and realise, maybe, everything I've done for her. I suspect I wont hear from her and our relationship will become truly distant.
It also puts me in a difficult position but I wont discuss that with her. To go from a 2 bed flat to renting a room will be hard. We also have 2 cats which I was going to take when moving in with my partner but it's taking longer than expected. As such I've put the responsibility on her to think of a plan for them. I've fed them every day, done their trays every day, bought all their food and litter. The right thing for them would be not to move out but she needs to spread her wings.
Everything in the flat such as kitchen ware towels bedding TVs hoovers irons etc. Is all mine. Shell have a shock when she moves out and has to buy all this stuff but again it's great for her to make that next step.
I just feel like a failure. I always believed if you give love and support then you recieve it. I always believed as my mum gave up on my sister and didnt fight to show her love that my sister as a result didnt care for her. I was wrong.
I tried to show my mum and my sister that being kind and loving as much as you can is the right thing to do.
However as a result she treats me with complete disregard and disrespect. She just couldn't care less.
It breaks my heart.
I dont know the right thing to do. I've lost my best friend and the one person who made me laugh the most.
You're not a failure at all! You hit the nail on the head saying you took on a parental role. That is lovely because your sister needed a Mum. The downside is that you got all the shit that parents often get from teens - it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. If you give love and support then no you don't always get it back, or maybe not until years later. It's more of a "pass it on" kind of thing.
You have been a lovely big sister. It sounds as if your sister is ready for some independence. Instead of buying her things and arranging help for her, let her sort herself out and just invite her over to spend time with you or go out with her. If you can afford to then draw a line and write off the money you have spent so far, because trying to get money back will cause a lot of ill feeling, and just decide what you want to do for her from now on.
You may need to sort out the cats, in some ways you are still more of a grown-up than your sister and the cats shouldn't suffer because your sister is still a bit irresponsible. She may be happy to live in a pit, that is her choice and it's OK as long as she isn't living with you!
Buy your sister a nice "leaving home/housewarming" present, it doesn't have to be anything very expensive, but just to show you still like her and care about her. Maybe a nice set of towels of her own! But don't keep funding her. I am not sure how the grants/tax credits thing will work. I didn't know that one adult could apply for another unless they lack capacity. You may need to tell your DSis because she might apply herself. Don't get yourself into legal trouble, you don't deserve that. Look after yourself.
I think your sister respects you a lot but she isn't showing that side of her feelings yet. You may have a better relationship after she moves out and when you stop feeling quite so responsible for her.