DD14 upset about sexual experience.

[VairWorried]

NC for this. Sorry, worried about this, I love my daughter very much and feel as though I've let her down as I don't know how to help with this.

DD14 (15 very soon) has been very quiet and upset the last few days, suddenly started crying today and I've only just managed to get her to tell me what's wrong. She said that last weekend she had a "sexual encounter" with another girl from school. That was the way she phrased it and so I'm not sure what they've actually done. The girl is one who I've heard her mention a lot recently and, while they were friends, is known in the school year as having had a lot of issues with self harm and depression and apparently has an older boyfriend who she's already had sex with.
DD said it was completely consensual and they'd talked about doing it beforehand but that she'd felt really sick and anxious about doing it and doesn't know what to do now. She's really confused.

I'm not sure if this makes a lot of sense but she's always been very mature about sex in the theoretical sense but not so much actually doing it. So she's quite knowledgeable about it but has never had any interest in having a boyfriend or girlfriend so has never, as far as I'm aware, ever done things like kiss or even hold hands in a romantic fashion so this is all very sudden.

I don't know how to approach this or help her through this and I really need some advice, thank you.

[lljkk]

You probably need to keep encouraging her to talk. If the details are too intimate to share with a parent, is there someone else she could confide in?

[IkeaIsForWinners]

Oh bless her, she must be all 6's and 7's. Does she have an aunt or older cousin she can speak to?

[QueenBeex]

Has she actually said what she's upset about? Is it what happened? is it that the girl hasn't talked to her since? Is it that it wasn't what she thought it would be? Im sure she'll tell you more when she's ready and it'll make more sense as to what part has upset her so much.

[VairWorried]

No one else she could really talk to. She's an only child and extended family live quite far away and aren't really that close.

I've talked to her again. She's very formal in her language but said that there was no penetration, but a lot of kissing and touching with no clothes on.
She's a people pleaser do I have a horrible feeling that she's said yes to this and then felt unable to refuse and, as this other girl is already sexually active, has felt very intimidated.

[stucknoue]

Do you have any friends with a mature 18-20 year old girl approx? Much easier that your mum. I think you probably have worked out the scenario, she didn't feel comfortable but not called a halt to activities, I've been there, it's hard and you feel terrible afterwards

[VairWorried]

Thank you for your responses. I've gotten DD to open up to me and she says that she was confused about what she wanted, she knew she wanted to experiment a little with sex but wasn't attracted to the girl. They're at a very religious school and, while you do get kids there in relationships, some of whom are sexually active, none of DD's friends are or ever talk about that sort of stuff (this still surprises me as I remember having lots of conversations about sex and relationships with friends when I was that age) bar this girl. So she's rushed into doing something she's not comfortable with with someone who she's only been friends with a short while purely because she's grateful to have finally found someone else. The girl has apparently offered to do some quite "out there" stuff, which DD thankfully declined.

So she's still upset but I think it's helped at least a little to talk through what happened and why she did it. I think I've previously made my own assumptions about DD and sex which haven't helped the situation. Anyway, thanks again for responding.

[Magellan50]

I'm glad your DD is feeling better, it sounds like you're going about this the right way. When you say you made assumptions about her attitude to sex do you mean you assumed that she didn't want to have sex, but just had an interest in it as teenagers often do?
If so, I wouldn't necessarily say that the assumption was wrong. I remember being at school and, being part of the "nerdy" crowd, didn't have any sort of romantic relationship as it just wasn't a something we did. We talked about sex loads but as something that other people did or something that was going to happen WAY in the future. I was frustrated by it as well but it gave me a very confused attitude to sex and relationships as it was something we'd glorified but had never had even the most basic experience of. I wanted to rush into something and nearly did what your DD did a couple of times, but realised at the last moment that I was going from 0-60 and called it off.
Anyways, sorry for the ramble, I'm just trying to say that I think you're right in your approach and I would definitely make sure that sex is something the two of you can discuss openly. Good luck OP

[NeverSayFreelance]

Your DD sounds very mature and hopefully she will see this as a learning experience. Well handled OP

[IamtheOA]

Everyone has kissed someone and regretted it- sometimes learning about ourselves is hard.
It sounds like you're being a fan mum

[IamtheOA]

*fab

[mathanxiety]

The other girl sounds predatory and is possibly involved in an unhealthy relationship herself.

Is there any suspicion that your DD was targeted by this girl? You say she has only been friends with this girl for a short while. Did you ask who initiated the conversations that DD and this girl had about sex? How long is a short while (i.e. how long have they been friends?) How soon after they became friends did the conversation turn to sex?

I would be suspicious that your DD was out of her depth and out of her comfort zone and as if she was targeted or 'groomed' because she is nice or a people pleaser.

[VenusTiger]

OP @mathanxiety raises some important points.... also, where did the encounter take place and did the other girl get her camera phone out at any point? Sounds sinister and I don’t wish to worry you, but make sure your DD is aware of such entrapment, especially as points out, there not been friends for long.

I hope your DD is okay and doesn’t feel guilty about any of this.

[mathanxiety]

YYY to the concern about the camera.

If a camera was involved - not saying it was as I simply do not know this - could it be that the older BF put the other girl up to the whole thing?

I agree this all sounds quite sinister.

I would be considering a safeguarding report, quite frankly, about the other girl and her BF. Other girl has self harmed and has depression and an older BF with whom she has had/is having sex.
Is this other girl also 14/15?
How old is the BF?

[VenusTiger]

*especially as mathanxiety points out, they’ve not been friends for long.

[Rachelover40]

I feel very sorry for your daughter, so many young people (older ones too sometimes, we can all be vulnerable), get into situations that they don't actually want but don't feel they can't get out of. The key thing here is that she didn't feel attracted to the other girl; though it's horrible for her to remember that she's had an intimate experience with someone she didn't even fancy, & was just going through the motions, she will have learned a big lesson. Not to do it again! There are few things more pointless than meaningless sex and she is realising that at quite a young age. For all we know it may be the same for the other girl.

This will pass, op. It is so good your daughter has talked to you about it and you're very kind. Reassure her that she will feel better and the experience will become just one of those things that she did when young and regretted but regret must not spoil her life. She can move on, people do, and the fact that she has been able to confide in you will help her tremendously. I wish I had been able to talk to mum so openly when I was a teenager.

The two girls didn't actually do very much and lots of youngsters do similar, just to see what it is like. Now she knows what it's like and didn't get anything out of it so it was pointless. If her friend suggests doing it again (which may not happen, she's only young too), encourage your daughter to say quite simply but kindly that she didn't like the experience and doesn't want a repeat.

The summer holidays are coming up, I really hope she can enjoy them and have interesting times so that when she returns to school, this incident is firmly in the past.

I just want to say that I did something similar when I was fifteen and though I wish I hadn't, I moved on. I can honestly say I've never felt anything sexual towards another female but I was curious. At my school some other girls also got into intimate relationships, kissing and fondling, writing soppy notes to each other, etc, but all left it behind them. Your daughter will leave this experience behind too.

[VairWorried]

I did ask DD about it being filmed and she said definitely not, that she made sure of that from the start. Predatory isn't the word I'd use to describe this girl (15, in the same year at school as DD) but she has a lot of issues that the school is aware of. DD said when she refused to do certain things, the girl was fine with that and there was no threatening, guilt tripping and coercion which I would associate with an abusive relationship. I know nothing about the boyfriend as DD claims not to know.him so I have no idea whether he's anything to do with this.

[mathanxiety]

The coercion might be on the part of the BF - getting his GF to engage in sexual activity with another girl that might be filmed or described to him verbally.

I would not be at all confident that the encounter wasn't filmed. Where did it take place?

Grooming can be very, very subtle, and a long way from guilt tripping or threatening. Many people wouldn't associate it with coercion at all. It could involve flattery, making someone feel they are special or 'different from the others' and the bearer of some precious gift or balm for a person with a deep wound, or like a favoured friend through revealing personal information (how does DD know this girl self harmed and has depression?) and love bombing. How do you know about this girl's issues and that the school has her on their radar for her problems? Is this common knowledge among the parents and students or has DD been favoured with this personal information and passed it on to you?

If I were you I would inform the school or Social Services of the BF. Try to find out how old he is. This is a vulnerable girl and she is under age.

[mathanxiety]

Something about this scenario is making your DD feel sick and anxious. I would say your DD has some sense that there were more layers to what happened than the actual sexual experience.

[TwistyTop]

Sounds like you two have a great relationship. It's really encouraging that she's told you about this, as I'm sure many girls in her situation wouldn't feel able to.

But I agree with PPs that you might need to find someone else for her to talk to. There's only so much detail she could go into with her mum. That's probably why she's using such formal language. No matter how close you are to your mum I don't think any 14 yr old girl wants to go into graphic detail about sexual experiences.

[twinkletoesl]

You sound like a wonderful mother ! I think you handled everything perfectly , really sounds like you got a great relationship with your DD🌷

[Rachelover40]

mathanxiety
Something about this scenario is making your DD feel sick and anxious. I would say your DD has some sense that there were more layers to what happened than the actual sexual experience.

That is possible but quite honestly I would have felt pretty horrible, like the op's daughter, in her place. It's not easy to come to terms with having done something that you were not that keen on to begin with and end up not liking at all. It will take time for her to get over it.

[mathanxiety]

If she wasn't keen on it, didn't even fancy this girl and now feels sick and anxious, then the possibility of grooming or manipulation by someone who is quite predatory (meaning someone who uses others, someone who pushes relationships in a certain direction for her own ends) needs to be considered. We have our intuitive senses, our second sight, for a reason.

[Hollyhoc]

Could you encourage your daughter to call Child line or similar?