At my wits end with DS14 and school

[Casander]

I'm at my wits end with DS and school.
He has always struggled, he's just ending year 9 and is currently in bottom set for most subjects. After much pushing they finally assessed him for dyslexia only to then 'fail' him by 0.1 and tell us he wasn't dyslexic and they would give him more homework so he could 'catch up.' Trying to get him to do any homework is like trying to bath a cat.

He currently averages 3-4 detentions a week, generally for talking, shouting out or forgetting equipment. I have tried everything, punishing him at home, taking electronics off him, grounding him but he still gets the detentions. He genuinely gets upset if I pull him up on it, saying he's frustrated because he's stupid, thick and he can't do the work and he can't concentrate so he talks and shouts out and then they send him out and give him a detention.

I have been into the school but found the general consensus is because he's not 'naughty enough' he's just disruptive he's kind of in a grey area just coasting along and needs to try harder. I'm sure he could try harder, but he just gets upset and tells me he's thick and he can't do it. He's a lot better one-to-one with no distractions but obviously this isn't possible in class.

I'm starting to worry about his GCSE's and his future and I don't know where to go next, I've been googling home schooling but I don't know enough about it to take the plunge. In general school life with his peers he's popular and happy and funnily enough his PE which is the only thing he enjoys is working at year 11 level. Probably because it's the only subject where he can use his energy and not get told off!

Please be gentle, I feel out of my depth and lost like I'm failing him.

[Oniony]

Google ‘Slow Processing’ with him and do the check list.

My dd 14 also yr 9, has eventually been confirmed as having, along with dyslexic tendencies.

I really had to push to get the test, school only agreed to do it, after dd’s maths teacher looked at checklist and agreed with me.

She now gets extra time for class work, coursework and GCSE’s. The teachers don’t think she’s trying it on when she ask for multiple explanations.

My dd always refers to herself as thick and stupid. Heartbreaking... he sounds like he’s acting up to hide how he feels from his teachers and peers.

Don’t give up on him. Good Luck x

[Ramanama]

He sounds a lot like my son at that age. He was diagnosed with ADHD at age 13.

[Fleetheart]

Sounds like adhd to me as well, my DS was like this (and still is to a certain degree but at least the school are more understanding).

You need an assessment to be done at any rate there are obvious issues. Push the SENCO and get an educational psychologist in. Keep pushing. I did not push hard enough, the schools are not inclined to push for assessments unless they have to as it costs them.

[Beach11]

You need a meeting with the SENCO, definitely sounds like ADHD which he would need screening for

[GreenTulips]

Look up 37 signs of dyslexia - he needs 10 or more

This will include forgetfulness, short term meme org, time keeping, lack of concentration

Go do it and come back

[Frlrlrubert]

3 or 4 detentions a week and he's 'not naughty enough'? Either they give out detentions for fun or the have a lot of really challenging pupils. If it's the latter he's probably getting even more bored and fidgety while the teachers are dealing with them.

(I've got a bottom set year 8 class with some really challenging characters, and trying to deal with them and also support a child or two with a reading age of 7 to access almost GCSE content at the same time can mean the ones in the middle start disengaging and that's when they start acting up)

I'd guess ADHD as well given what you've written. You say he forgets equipment, could you come up with a plan together to tackle this - one positive can be a good start, he could have a home set and a school set that staying in his bag so it doesn't get forgotten? Or a bedtime bag packing routine. Would his timetable up on the wall help so he knows exactly what he needs for the next day?

If it sounds like ADHD fits ask for a meeting with the SENCO. If teachers know he's suspected/being assessed they should have strategies they can (try to) put in place. Ask about task boards, they can be really good to help remind pupils what they should be doing so they can get themselves back on track without having to ask (especially valuable if he wants to try but doesn't want to draw attention to himself, or if he has classes where the teacher is firefighting worse behaviour and weaker pupils)

[Alsoplayspiccolo]

ADHD leaps out to me too; my DD was diagnosed at 7 and, apart from the detentions, I could describe her exactly as you have described your son.
The issues you describe sound like typical executive function issues. A dyslexia test won't be adequate to recognise that, so push for a referral to an ed. psych or at least talk to the SENCo.

My DD gets extra time in exams, her teachers know she has to have instructions broken down and repeated several times, has to have things written down, can't copy from the board, has to be given time to process and answer verbal questions etc.
She started year 7 struggling and now, at the end of year 10, is on course for 6/7/8s next Summer.

[BarbarianMum]

Could be ADHD, could be working memory/processing, could be that he's actually just not very academic (not everyone is, it's not a crime). Regardless, what strikes me is that his self esteem seems to be in tatters and that carrying on in the current vein may be actively harmful to him (and not just because he won't get his GCSES).

As well as persuing a diagnosis I suggest that you talk to him a lot about where he'd like to see his life going, what his strengths are. And remind him that there is life beyond school and school is just a tool to help him get the life he wants. And that there are other opportunities open to him and routes he can choose.

[Geraniumpink]

You could try a tutor - if you look around for a good fit. This would help his self-esteem and confidence. It would seem a shame to home school if he has friends and enjoys P.E. Do keep pushing for a diagnoses. Don’t give up. There’s lots of things he could go and do after school.

[EducatingArti]

I'm a tutor who has worked with lots of students with specific learning difficulties. This does sound as if it might be ADHD. I'd look up the symptoms of ADHD, and make s list of which ones sound like your DS and how it impacts your DS at school and at home. Then see your GP with the list. S/he should be able to refer you to a paediatrician for a diagnosis. They have a computerised test they can do for ADHD which shows the extent to which they are affected by the different facets of ADHD. Then request a Senco meeting to discuss what needs to be put in place for him.

[Casander]

Thanks everyone, sorry it’s taken so long to reply.

I have thought of ADHD before but my over involved parents (whole other thread) are very much of the thought that it doesn’t exist and it’s an excuse for bad behaviour so I’ve second guessed myself from pursuing a diagnosis (I know it exists, but I’ve often blamed my parenting instead)

He got into big trouble end of last week and ended up being suspended for the afternoon so I’m going in in the morning to speak to them, I will update when I get back.
Thank you so much for everyone’s advice, nice to know I’m not alone too.