Today I just feel like a completely crap parent.

(18 Posts)
failedparent Mon 20-May-19 10:19:00

ds is 16, he did something awful last week.
Stupid, stupid mistake, he knew it as soon as he had done it.
It may have huge consequences for his future.
He was distraught on Friday at how stupid he had been. We don't know yet what the consequences will be.

I went to see a friend on Sat and cried on her shoulder. I just cannot believe how crap I feel as a parent. How can I have failed so badly that he didn't know this was wrong, I feel as if all I have done over the last 16 years is just a waste of time if he can still do this.

He is upstairs revising for exams, after Friday he now seems 'normal' I am not sure if he is just coping or if he doesn't get how serious it is.

Supposed to be working (from home) and i am just sitting staring at the computer.
Honestly I cried myself out at my friends, but I could just sit here and cry again, I am so low about this.

Nothing anyone can do, just wanted to say it somewhere. This feels like the last parenting straw, I could honestly walk away, if it weren't for poor dh being left to pick it all up.

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Angrymouse Mon 20-May-19 10:30:43

You are not a failed parent op!
Just wanted to say that. I don't have any wonderful words of advice but the fact you care so much to vent and worry makes you a great parent.
Hopefully you and your family will find a way to cope
Big hugs!

failedparent Mon 20-May-19 11:10:12

Thank you.

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pumpkinpie01 Mon 20-May-19 11:14:02

Please don't beat yourself up about it, we do our best as parents but we can't be with them 24/7 and stop them doing stupid things. Parenting teens is very tough. (My son did something stupid at 16 too and the consequences weren't as awful as expected in the end) the build up and the worry was thou. Do you want to share what it is ? Gain some perspective ? Someone may have been through similar.

TweeBee Mon 20-May-19 11:16:48

You obviously care OP so IMHO you couldn’t be a crap parent. Sending love to you!

Summerorjustmaybe Mon 20-May-19 11:20:46

Remember at 16 you aren't wholely responsible for him. Dc do stupid stuff. Same as adults at times.
Sounds like you have forgiven him - so forgive yourself - he has made it to 16 and you still love him.
Sure he loves you too..
Unless someone died it will be fine.

failedparent Mon 20-May-19 12:08:11

thank you all for your kind words.

I guess I just feel so defeated, he is the oldest of 3, and for the last 2 years it has been so bloody hard.
massive worry over ds, who thinks he knows everything, and is doing bugger all for exams that he wants to pass as he wants to get in to the sixth form he's applied too. Now those worries feel trivial.
massive emotional worry over dd1, gender issues
massive worry over dd2, not doing well in friendships and bullying, where it is 50/50 over whether she is being bullied or is the bully.

I feel like my heart is broken.
Not really just for this thing this week, this is just the last straw. I feel like I can't do this parenting thing any more, it's too hard.

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Angrymouse Mon 20-May-19 12:19:10

The only thing I keep reading on many of these threads is it does get better eventually....
There is only one way up from rock bottom op....way up!
Take it one day at a time. Give yourself some much needed tlc as much as it seems impossible.

Many are in the same boat as you.
If you ds seems normal after last week's event it is possible he feels the relief that you are taking the worry.
I am reading Untangled now where she talks about externalisation. They hand you their hot potato and it becomes yours !!
Apparently a coping mechanism for teens

Much love to you. This too shall pass

MoodLighting Mon 20-May-19 12:57:41

Have you got a plan in place to deal with what happened? Advice, services etc? Sometimes things feel so much better with a pathway sketched out.

failedparent Mon 20-May-19 13:05:09

Thanks mood,
yes we do, but we have to wait to hear the consequences.

In the meantime he is ploughing on with exams. At least he seems to be taking my revision threats seriously

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MummyBear2352 Mon 20-May-19 14:00:21

I am so sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's very hard to say much without falling back on cliches and platitudes but please know that, whatever your current problem is, you will come through it. The fact that you are so deeply affected shows what a caring mother you are. Try not to dwell on worrying, try to be as practical as you can and deal with one thing at a time. Get as much advice as you can so you can prepare for whatever will come next.

Your DS is healthy and safe and you have your DH to support you (and you, him.) Take things one day at a time.

Good luck x

failedparent Mon 20-May-19 14:31:24

Thanks all.

I think the reason it has hit me so hard is because the last 2 years have been emotionally hard as a parent with all 3 kids, but especially the girls.

We've geared up to GCSE, and I was thinking that in a few weeks we will all be able to relax for a while and just be a family. Now this just starts stress all over again.

I feel like my reserves all all used up.
Doing a bit better this afternoon though.
Thanks for letting me dump on here!

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Lemonsquinky Mon 20-May-19 16:20:35

You can only guide dcs to make the right choices. Ultimately it's up to them whether they make the right choice.
But your ds realised that he'd made a mistake and hopefully he will learn from it. That's when we learn is through the mistakes. Crying is very healthy.

crosser62 Mon 20-May-19 16:33:26

I SO get what you are saying and don’t want to trivialise it but whatever it is will be.

You need to crack on and that’s it.

I’ve just been with my good friend who’s house burned to the ground with her 18 year old son in it. He didn’t survive. She lost everything, just had the clothes that she was stood up in.
She had so many issues with her boy, so many terrible times of dealing with his mistakes, dealing with his teenage self, nightmare.
Talking to her though, she says that none of it matters, none of it mattered.
I don’t know, I’m not even sure what I’m saying really but her raw, bone drenching grief and utter utter misery and loss just makes me think that whatever it is won’t matter in a years time, he will find his path with you supporting and loving him regardless.
flowers for you and best wishes with this.

failedparent Mon 20-May-19 16:49:11

Oh crosser
no words, that's just horrendous.

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Luckything50 Wed 22-May-19 18:05:50

Yes crosser it doesn’t get any worse. I came on to sympathise with the OP, have a 13yo and 15yo and REALLY feeling the strain at the moment added to which my lovely mum and their doting grandma is dying. However, perspective is a wonderful thing and, having read that post, I feel I can be grateful. This too will pass.

mbosnz Thu 23-May-19 20:07:04

Don't sound like you're doing a crap job to me.

He did something monumentally stupid. Bad news. Good news. He realises he did something monumentally stupid, is remorseful, and is doing his best to make amends - studying hard.

DD's - those are again, perfectly normal, and no reflection on your parenting. In particular, what steps out at me is how open you are to DD3 potentially being the bully, to some degree. Many, if not most, parents are completely shut off from this possibility, and that does their children absolutely no favours.

They're our kids, but they're their own person, at these ages and stages. They make the choices. They choose the actions. And sometimes they make collossally bad choices, resulting in some really DUMB actions.

Crosser, my God, that is terrible. That really does put things in perspective. Your poor, poor friend.

writerperson Sat 25-May-19 19:38:43

failedparent I hope you're feeling a bit better.

I empathise with how you feel, feeling that parenting is too hard and you just can't do it. I don't want to go into details but I've had a very challenging couple of days with one of my teens and feel a bit of a wreck, this morning I felt so anxious and just unable to carry on with my job as a parent. Thankfully I feel a lot better this afternoon.

But it is so very hard.

Crosser that is so sad. As you say, it really puts things in perspective.

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