advice needed about 15 yr old going out on the town

(11 Posts)
earlycomputers Tue 14-May-19 22:32:54

Hi - my 15yr old daughter (year 10) has got in with a crowd who go out to parties where the kids there drink/smoke and who may be sixth formers too. They appear to frequent outdoor spots like parks and there is no adult supervision. Some of the kids manage to buy alcohol from local off licences - either because they are 18 or they have fake ID or the shop owner doesn't ask for ID. My daughter is very sensible and trustworthy but I am starting to feel I shouldn't have permitted her to do all of this `partying' so soon. I have told her to wait until she's done her GCSEs at least, but she still wants to socialise with this crowd now. If there wasn't the drink/vaping etc I wouldn't mind tbh. What do permit your 15yr old to do? Is this normal or do most year 10s manage to find other non-drinking etc activities to spend their time? many thanks

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BackforGood Tue 14-May-19 23:07:41

I've had 3 go past this age.
No, drinking at parties didn't start happening until they were in the 6th form, and then pretty limited to begin with. All of mine hat smoking anyway - can't understand why anyone would be so daft.
Yes, I think a lot of it was because they were / are all busy people - you do lots of stuff, then you are busy a lot of the time, and you are mixing with other youngsters who are also busy most of the time too. Like finds like.

earlycomputers Wed 15-May-19 05:45:27

Trouble is if I stop her from going she complains about how she’ll be left out and not be invited to stuff again. She may even start lying where she is going and sneak off to them. What’s others experience?

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TheQueef Wed 15-May-19 05:49:54

You've already opened that box imo and dd will know what she is missing.
What are her curfews like? Can you add in extra for GCSE prep like Mon,Tues,Weds, Thurs no going out after school and Sundays revision and school prep?

earlycomputers Wed 15-May-19 09:26:19

She’s great at managing her school work & revision, so I can’t use this as an excuse unfortunately. I agree though - she’s had a taste of things to come. The best thing would be for her friends parents and I to present a united front so that they all dont feel left out/odd one out by being prevented from going, but I don’t know what parents general views are on this subject and don’t know the parents well enough to gauge this.

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wishywashy6 Wed 15-May-19 10:02:42

My kids haven't hit this age yet but speaking as a former 15 year old who spent many a night swinging in a park with a bottle of cider ... I'd personally set some boundaries but not come down too hard.
My parents were very liberal with drinking, they really didn't mind and we'd always been allowed a bit of alcohol here and there growing up at family occasions etc. As a result I never felt like I needed to lie or sneak around. It was always them I called if I was being sick in a bush and needed to go home and the worst it got was them laughing at me the next day. I had an after school/ weekend job from the age of 13 which I loved and wanted to (and did) pursue after 6th form so that kept me quite grounded and focused I guess. I was quite aware of those kids who were 'off the rails' so to speak and knew I didn't want to end up like them!
In all honesty, by the time I hit 18/19 the novelty of drinking had worn off and I really wasn't that fussed about it anymore.
I think generally my parents were fair - Friday nights were my night with friends so my mum was happy to drop me off and pick me up at pretty much any time within reason and would deal with the aftermath of my cider swigging with a smile. Saturdays were usually a family night so I wouldn't go out then anyway and sundays/ weeknights were never an option anyway as it was school the next day.
Is there an agreement you can come to with her? I think there needs to be a bit of give and take on both sides

crosspelican Wed 15-May-19 10:08:24

Are the exact kids in her immediate circle drinking?

If so, then curfews, distraction, desirable treats at the weekends - everything humanly possible to separate them for short of saying "you are forbidden to socialise with them". A managed separation. Just don't ground her and leave her sitting in her bedroom with nothing to do except resent you!

If her immediate circle are behaving themselves so far, you can distract her a bit but with a lighter touch, I suppose.


crosspelican Wed 15-May-19 10:12:32

I got into this sort of thing at that age because my Mum was ill and wasn't able to keep tabs on me and my Dad was utterly without a clue.

Ironically it got easier when I was 16/17 and able to go to an indie/rock nightclub at weekends - not unlike Jilly's in Manchester, because in a way you can't get up to as much mischief in a place like that where there are bouncers, you can't drunkenly stagger off into some bushes with a random lad, and you can only afford one or two drinks.

Looking back, I was definitely safer in that club than out drinking in a park at night.

earlycomputers Wed 15-May-19 18:46:39

Many thanks that’s great advice - what counts as good distractions apart from the cinema?

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crosspelican Wed 15-May-19 18:48:41

A "glamorous" hobby like ice skating or horse riding maybe?

There are hordes of teenage girls at the rink we go to, whizzing away in fits of giggles at their classes, cheering each other on as they pass their grades, and poring over Yuri On Ice on their iphones! No time for drinking or smoking if she's skating!

BrokenWing Wed 15-May-19 22:32:24

I dont think you can canvas support from other parents you barely know. What sort of activities has your dd done recently? Is it possible to reignite an interest in them? Do any friends do activities she can join in?

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