This has been going on for a while now, but today it's come to a head and I feel completely broken.
Two DD, 13 and 16. Both stay in their rooms all day and come out only for meals. I know this is "normal" teen behaviour, but this is a complete rejection. Honestly, if dh and me were to suddenly die they wouldn't know until the next meal. They'll go to their rooms after school and stay there only to come out to eat. No conversation of any sort EVER, but short annoyed answers if you ask them anything. But if THEY want to discuss or say something you have to drop everything and make conversation (and tbh I'm so starved of it that I respond at once), and then they'll talk and laugh at length like normal people. DD1 used to expect to be fetched when it was mealtimes (the placement of the rooms means that you can't shout up the stairs, you have to go upstairs and tap and let her know like a servant) but I stopped doing that. Even on Mothers Day that's what they did. One gave a card in the morning, and shut herself up for the rest of the day, and one gave one in the evening after not saying a word all day (later found out DH had asked to make card).
Today we had to go out somewhere and I got late meeting DD1 after it. She sent me whatsapp messages which I hadn't seen but she was enraged that it showed me as online (I was using the photo function on the app to take pics as they take up less memory than camera pics at a presentation I was at, I didn't know she had messaged me). Then she proceeded to blank me completely at this event we were at, looking away as if she was repulsed and standing as far away as possible. DD2 did the same because it was like getting validation to act like that in public too. On the way back I brought it up and DD1 said that it was because she felt I did it deliberately, and she doesn't have any faith that I wouldn't do something like that. Why would anyone think that about their own mother? I feel like such a failure, this is such a basic thing, if you can't trust your own family what even do we have. Why do they act like this. Once they see I'm really broken down they relent a little for all of five minutes, and then are back to this. It's not they act angry all the time, just uninterested and like tenants in the house who go about their own lives but need all the services.
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Teenagers
So heartbroken because teens ignore me
crispypancakes00 · 27/04/2019 22:48
when in the house ds(15) chooses to spend most of his free time in his room too as he's normally on PS4 or facetime with friends which is fair enough. Why are you taking it so personally?
Insist they are engaged in family life, ds comes out when asked to help make dinner, empty dishwasher, strip/make his bed, occasional baking etc and we do it together and chat then, I mostly ask open questions and listen. These are habits as the adult in the house you need to build, dont expect them to magically get involved without guidance. I don't expect interest in my work or me, he's a teenager so not interested in adults lives, I know I wasnt interested in my mums day when I was that age!
Occasionally he'll join us if we find a series he enjoys on TV (we have just discovered Line of Duty and watching from series 1 a couple of episodes a week, after which we have quick chat about and then he heads back to room to play with friends again). We make time to go out for something to eat together every couple of weeks or so, if I'm going for a supermarket mid week shop (15 mins in store) sometimes I ask him to come with me to carry my bags 
At weekends I find out what his plans are and if he hasn't any we make some to make sure he's not in his room all day.
When you were late for meeting dd did you apologise and give a valid reason (work meeting ran late, stuck in traffic due to an accident on road etc), or were you just late as you made no effort to get there on time? If I was late, and did give a valid reason, I would have words with ds if he acted like that and made sure he knew it was unavoidable and his behavior unacceptable given the circumstances and your apology.
We never allowed electronics in their rooms. Ever, no matter what age. That included phones. Even homework on the computer had to be done out in general living areas (obviously we were considerate in the living areas at these times). Funnily, they never spent much time in their rooms.
They did use their rooms for homework not requiring the computer, if they wanted to read etc but given they couldn’t interact with friends in their rooms they didn’t spend much time there.
Then once they reached 18yo and could do what they wanted in this regard they were either never in the habit of ‘living’ in their rooms or that phase had passed over so they kept on as they always had with us in the general living areas.
Don’t cater to all their needs.. they can cook a meal themselves do other chores..
Yes, this is another good strategy we use/used. Ours had to assist with dinner prep and cooking 2 nights a week. If you want to eat, you are going to help and it’s also trying to assist them with life skills/cooking in the hope they eventually move out one day . It’s pretty hard for them to ignore you when you are stuck in the kitchen together! They didn’t have set days, it was all dependant on how much homework each had that night and who had an assignment due etc. The only exception was in exam periods, they got a free pass.
My teenager does this and so does young adult once they were given the choice to do it all themselves 2 nights a week or we do it together like when they were a teen at school. They decided to continue on with the routine they had as teens. The reality is they can’t expect to eat if they don’t pitch in especially as we don’t charge board. It’s a really good chance to have a catch up where we have each other’s full attention.
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