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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Struggling emotionally

13 replies

Bluemama46 · 06/04/2019 18:46

Needing a wee pick me up as I'm struggling so much just now. My daughter is now a teenager at high school and I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing. She is quite quiet and introverted, seems to have a good wee group of friends but just never seems to go out. I see her neice of a similar age and all the more outgoing girls in her class out all the time and I can't help but feel that shes missing out. I have a big fear that she's going to end up lonely. The worry is getting far too intense and I feel like I don't know how to parent her anymore. Any advice or reassurance would be very much appreciated.

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Missnearlyvintage · 06/04/2019 18:54

Hi OP, have you spoken to her about it?
How is she if you are out with her or if she it out on her own? Is she confident independently using public transport or going to the cinema or a cafe etc?
I only ask because I was never comfortable in any of these situations as a teenager, and so I never accepted any invites to go to see a film or go for a day trip somewhere as I was so worried about all the practicalities surrounding it. I masked this worry very well and no one knew, they just all thought that I wasn't bothered about doing these things and would rather spend the time on my own at home...

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Bluemama46 · 06/04/2019 21:30

Yes, we have had a couple of talks. She has assured me she is happy and she loves her friends, she's just a home body at heart. When she does go out she makes a day of it and it seems like she is more quality over quantity but I can't seem to stop the worry.

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Bluemama46 · 06/04/2019 21:34

Also, she can be quite self conscious but she does say that she is more confident when I'm not there. We live in a small town in Scotland and she is away to go to London for a weekend with a club, she has said she will cope better on her own because it will encourage it to do more things if I'm not there. If she is really passionate she finds the confidence xx

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Missnearlyvintage · 06/04/2019 22:07

What you've written sounds really positive - you're communicating really openly with each other, and that means a lot at this age I think. I think you're doing a great job.

Maybe you could look into her or you both starting a new activity/hobby that might help boost her self confidence a bit? Does she have any talents that you could nurture for example?

It seems from her comments about her trip to London, that she is ready for some more challenge and independence, so maybe you could think of some errands she could do for you outside the home that might help build her confidence as well and give her a sense of satisfaction? Especially if there is an incentive for her to do them as well!

Could she sometimes have friends over at the house instead of going out if she prefers to be at home? I suppose that way you would know that she wasn't neglecting those friendships if that is something you are concerned about?

I would just keep communicating and keep and eye on everything. It's really nice that you are so proactive about this, and I'm sure your DD appreciates your concern and care, even if she doesn't say as much!

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MumUnderTheMoon · 06/04/2019 22:25

I really don't see what you have to worry about. She seems like a sensible girl with a good group of friends. Also there is a difference between alone and lonely. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you are lonely. You need to get some perspective on this. If your biggest problem with your child is that she likes to stay home, then to be frank you really don't have a problem.

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Bluemama46 · 07/04/2019 10:57

@missnearlyvintage those are some good ideas, I'll keep them on mind over the holidays. Her group of friends live in a wee village out of town and I don't drive so it makes it harder to meet up outwith school but I'm always asking if she has spoken to them daily through their group chats.

@mumunderthemoon thats my problem, I know in my heart of hearts that she is plodding away fine and doing the things that make her happy, I just can't seem to get the unnecessary worry out of my head, it's always lingering xx

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MumUnderTheMoon · 07/04/2019 11:49

You are spot on it is your problem, not hers. If you can't let this go then I think you should at least keep it to yourself, don't ask her about why she isn't going out or if she wants to go out etc. (She's a teenager, she'll let you know what she wants to do). If you keep on at her you are going to give her a complex and then it will be her problem too.

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Bluemama46 · 07/04/2019 11:55

That's one of my fears, is that I damage her with my insecurities. I am try to keep it to myself but sometimes the worry gets too much. Any advice on how to make it less intense would be soo appreciated xx

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MumUnderTheMoon · 07/04/2019 12:37

The thing is I don't think you can stop worrying, it's not like flicking a switch. I am quite and anxious person but I've learned to validate how I'm feeling, to try and see the actual facts through it and to distract myself from it. I crochet a lot you have to count stitches to follow the pattern which focuses your mind elsewhere. If I can't do that I decorate my dream house in my head. It sounds daft but if I'm thinking about gorgeous will paper and furniture it makes me less anxious. Also I think it's easier to relax in a well organised space so I spend some time organising the house. Not cleaning, organising. I go through dds drawers and make sure all her clothes fit for example.

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MumUnderTheMoon · 07/04/2019 12:40

*wallpaper

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Babygrey7 · 07/04/2019 12:54

My oldest was always introverted and quiet and a homebody

There is nothing wrong with that, imo

Sometimes I hear of all the "popular kids" going to parties all the time, and that sounds such fun, but then again, my DS is happy with his friends, they are just not "party crowd"

Modern society is all about outward success, being seen to have lots of fun all the time, having masses of friends, being outgoing and sharing all this "social success"'on social media Hmm

I'd rather my DS has 3 good friends and is happy, than.himchading some ideal of being a cool kid who goes out all the time.

We should really value our kids for who they are. Your DD sounds lovely. Leave her be and stop checking up on how often she is intouch with friends.

Back off, there isn't a problem. Try to address your own insecurities without pushing them onto her. Think back, what were you like at that age? Why do you think she should be different from how she is? What is at the root of this?

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Bluemama46 · 07/04/2019 14:06

@mumunderthemoon they should like fab ideas. I've always wanted to give crochet a try. Kids have always been my main focus so probably the letting go is getting to me aswell so good idea to keep my mind busy.

@babygrey7 I think it stems from my own insecurities while i was at high school, I don't want her to be like I was but when I look at her she is so much more confident and secure cmin herself than I ever was at that age. I know deep down that I have nothing to worry about but my mind just never got the memo. I agree with you that society just now is all about being on top, just having someone share their experiences and tell you everything will be fine is a good boost when I'm at my lowest. Xx

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Bluemama46 · 07/04/2019 14:07

sound. in

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