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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

1 2

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

I dont't know where to turn...dd assaulted me last night.......

29 replies

crispyduck · 12/07/2007 09:59

dd is very violent towards me & step father...this is tearing our family apart.
Any advice?

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choosyfloosy · 12/07/2007 10:00

i have no advice crispy but didn't want to leave this unanswered. I hope you get more helpful responses soon.

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mumto3girls · 12/07/2007 10:00

Sorry to hear that. Hope you're okay? How old is she and has she always been like this or was there a particular trigger last night?

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crispyduck · 12/07/2007 10:04

She is nearly 13...this was because I said "No" to something she wanted.So she called me a "Fuckin cow" and pushed me and slapped me across the face.

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lljkk · 12/07/2007 10:04

"Social services". Okay, I don't actually know what that means, but I would phone GP first because they will probably know who to refer you too.

Could phone police, too, but I assume you don't want to go there, yet.

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lillypie · 12/07/2007 10:04

Oh dear that's awful it must be heart breaking for you.I won't ask if you've tried talking to her (obvious) but how old is she? Do you think she resents your partner?What about family counselling?

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aloha · 12/07/2007 10:05

How have you responded? I assume she didn't get it and she now has no phone/ipod/tv whatever?
I think you need Custardo.
Is there a long history to this?

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lillypie · 12/07/2007 10:06

Does she have problems at school?

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StarryStarryNight · 12/07/2007 10:12

Is somebody violent to her? Do you know how she is doing in school, in her group of friends? Is she acting out like this because she is in trouble and too embarrased to tell you what she has to deal with?

My neighbours dauther is 13 and often fighting with her mother, slapping and swearing. I reckon in her case it is because mums bf does it to her mum, so she does too.

Not insinuiting that this is what your family life is like, but if that is behaviour she encounters a lot in school, or other places, it may be why?

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ggglimpopo · 12/07/2007 10:14

I have had huge problems with my dd2, no violence but about anything else that you could think of....

As a psychiatrist said to me, it doesn't matter why she is doing this (death, divorce, school - as not everyone who has a traumatic time goes off the rails) what matters is that it is wrong, she learns that it is wrong and that it does not happen again.

I had no choice but to call in professional help, which is something I could never have imagined doing.

It is very important to remember that your dd is part of a family and whatever she does impacts on all of you - so you need to act to protect her, you and your dh and your other children and making sure that she does not send everything and everyone else off the edge with her.

Good luck. I know how very hard it is.

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crispyduck · 12/07/2007 10:27

She has no phone, no pocket money ths week and is also grounded.
Ihave phoned SS on 3 occassions over her violence and I have been fobbed off...we have tried to set the boundaries but nothing seems to be working...I phoned school last week (which it was agreed that she needed help)asking for anger management but I have not heard back off them.

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crispyduck · 12/07/2007 10:40

ggg-did your dd go to a pysciatrist and if so did it work.

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fakeblonde · 12/07/2007 14:28

Is she looking for attention.I know it might sound daft but had a very grown up conversation with my dd and her best friend years ago.They agreed that the worst punishment was being ignored !

I have always remembered this, and while you cant ignore your dd behaviour on this occassion, try not to rise up to occassion as it were at other times ?
I try to ignore the bad and praise the good iyswim.

Even now when hormones are at their height ect, sometimes i just know dd is trying to wind me up and look for an argument.I totally ignore it until she speaks to me calmly-it works for me.Even tho im seething inside ,firstly im teaching her that shouting doesn`t work, and secondly i can see she hates being ignored !

(Still deep breathing from this mornings episode ! )

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sarah293 · 12/07/2007 19:05

This reply has been deleted

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crispyduck · 12/07/2007 19:13

Yes there are a few problems in school especially with one pupil but I am quite open minded as I know dd is not being bullied as she can give as good as she gets iyswim.
She was late home from school tonight with not a care in the world...no remorse..she just says"Whatever" when she is questioned where she has been, surely as a mother I have the right to ask her that question without the awful attitude... I am at wits end and so upset with all of it...sorry for rambling...

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teafortwoandtwofortea · 12/07/2007 19:38

crispyduck - I'm not part of a step family so have no idea what it's like but I wonder whether you and DD have dedicated time together and if so what do you do?

I do know that children (she still is one) lash out for lots of different reasons but a common one is to get attention. Is there something you could do every week together that would give you an opportunity to build a positive realtionship with her and give you an opporunity to develop what will become your adult friendship with her? (not shopping)

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CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 12/07/2007 19:47

How has your relationship with your daughter been until now? When did you meet stepdad? Have they ever got on? How does he feel about her?

How have you disciplined her over the years? Are you relaxed or strict?

Sorry for all questions.This behaviour is totally unacceptable and need sorting now while she is young enough to turn around. There is clearly no respect for you, has this always been case?

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lijaco15 · 12/07/2007 20:50

Is she attending school? Is she late home from school every night? Has she always been violent and if not when did it start?

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browniedropout · 13/07/2007 10:51

One of my DD's most aggressive years (so far) was 13/14. I was told around 7,14,21 are big hormonal upset surges in females. I think the F word dosen't have the same intensity of insult for their generation. I am a typical bottler - supremely calm loading anger into my bottle and then exploding -champage cork but only at home - where it is safe to yell. She might be one of these. I can't help because my DD and I still having some v. heated discussions but I have found a book which is helping me to change the way I talk to her: How to get what you want with Losing It - A woman's guide to resolving Conflict by Gemma Summers

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browniedropout · 13/07/2007 10:55

and in the meantime the one time my DD stopped in full flight was the day I pulled the car over and said "If I had a recorder and played that back to you, you would be wreck. Have you any idea how much what you say hurts me?" That day she explained to me that "that's how we (me and my friends) talk. It's how people talk on the TV" and she's right. Start listening to the US teenage programmes. When our DDs say things that Raven says it sounds horrid not funny and Eastenders ... arghh!

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lijaco15 · 13/07/2007 15:54

It is true that young people do talk to each other that way nowadays and it can seem very offensive. I just wondered if the violence bit was something that had just started around the age of 14?

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Tortington · 13/07/2007 15:59

if my child was violent towards me i would have them arrested.

all types of behaviour has consequences. she has torealise that you can't go rond kicking shit out of her mother.

that would be my advise

my dd once pushd her luck too far with a wanky tone - i calmly walked into the itchen poured myself a glassof ice col watr and walked back. I then proceeded to throw it over her. As her eyeliner was dripping down her face i said in an extremely calm voice " how dare you speak to me that way."

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suezee · 13/07/2007 16:04

i would phone the police and ask them what help they could give u as a kind of scare tactic.i was horrendous as a teenager but i would have never laid a finger on my mother....i am so sorry for u x

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Devonshire · 13/07/2007 16:11

how are things today crispy duck?

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browniedropout · 13/07/2007 17:17

Although DD had never been physically violent but gives a good tongue lashing I know two mums who have had DS's who have had incidents once or twice.

One is the sweetest natured lad in my house, helps wash up tells my DD not to be a grouch. He threw a chair across the room at his house, fortunately his mum is a very experienced nurse and seems to have dealt with it amazingly. He left home for a while, money pressures on family and other stuff. He's back home now, got a job for the summer. IMO Don't call in the police if it's a one off. The other friend's DS stuff is much more ongoing. She called the police several times including when he took the car, the credit card, drinking under age etc. Police don't want to get involved when both parties live at same address. A good neighbour and friend sitting down with him/ them did help. Just my opinion - but if DD's violence not a one off, but a pattern then do report it - at least then get some unemotional person involved.

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lijaco15 · 13/07/2007 19:23

I don't believe in violence and have a zero tolerance attitude. You could talk to the police. I don't think the throwing of water a good idea. There could be issues that you don't know about and it is coming out of her this way.