I'm not ready to be not needed

(12 Posts)
ssd Mon 25-Mar-19 21:03:10

Sounds pathetic I know
I have 2 ds's, both great sons, decent clever popular, I couldn't be more proud of them. I'll never hold them back, I want everything for them.
But it's just been me and dh all these years bringing them up. Mum was elderly when ds2 was a born and we've never had help since. Dh has always worked full time and I've always worked part time around school. I've done everything. Dh has been a great dad but all the day to day organising and being there has fell to me. And through the tears it drove me nuts as we never got a break, but we done it.
Now ds2 is 18 and has a hospital appt tomorrow and he told me I don't need to come, he's fine by himself. Of course this is utterly normal, no reason why he won't be fine alone. Won't phase him at all.
But.... I didn't think for a minute I wouldn't take him, wouldn't go with him.
And it struck me, the youngest doesn't need me now.
Jesus I'm not ready for this.
It's all I want for them, but I'm not ready.
Please don't tell me to get a hobby or reconnect with dh, we're fine, I work, have friends, try to keep busy.
But what am I meant to do with myself if I don't automatically be mum?

OP’s posts: |
HennyPennyHorror Mon 25-Mar-19 21:06:51

I think you've been caught by surprise because you've not planned or considered this time.

Did you really not consider a grown man wouldn't want you at his appointment? Bless you!

As for not getting a hobby...you have to do something! What about animals? Could you foster for a pet rescue? They always need people.

Or even consider being a foster parent? They are crying out for people with stable homes to provide short term care for children and babies.

ssd Mon 25-Mar-19 21:14:11

I don't want to Foster anyone or anything, I fully admire anyone who does Foster but it's not for me. I've done my time, it's my time now! What I'll do with it god knows.
But do I see my boys as full grown men? No! But of course they are.
Bless me indeed 😁

OP’s posts: |
ssd Mon 25-Mar-19 21:16:02

I've accepted Ds1 is grown up but ds has always been the wee one... And suddenly he's not.

OP’s posts: |
Chocolateisfab Mon 25-Mar-19 21:18:22

When my phone rang the other night it was my ds asking me to go to his house asap.. There was a huge spider and he needed me to get rid of it.
He sent me the video he had taken.

From the safety of his coffee table.

Ds is 24!!!!!!
Op trust me you will always be needed.

ssd Mon 25-Mar-19 21:22:57

Haha! Yes that's true I know. A few hours earlier ds2 has texted me to ask where a certain workbook was even though it was right next to him.
The hospital thing threw me though.

OP’s posts: |
dementedma Mon 25-Mar-19 21:23:03

They will always need you. Today I have helped DD1 out with petrol money and dd2 out with money for the dentist. They are both in their 20's but still need a hand now and then.
On the flip side, you get your life back. it's brilliant. you can do what you want to do without dragging kids along with you.
I am loving my life now for the first time in a very long time because feel like I'm getting the old me back.


DamonSalvatoresDinner Mon 25-Mar-19 21:33:41

My just turned 7 year old gets himself up for school before me, gets his own uniform out and on, makes his own breakfast (anything from cereal to buttered toast), gets his own snacks and water ready in his bag, does his own teeth and hair etc and has been doing all this since he was much, much younger. He's very proud of himself. Maybe my praise of him being a clever big boy was a bit much. He and his two older sisters (now 9 and 12) have all been extremely independent from the moments they were first physically able to do so. I saw DS microwaving something tonight. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Just getting a warm milk for bed, mummy"

DH said, "You'll be getting your own house next week I bet!"

I'm very much a doting SAHM but my kids are so damn self sufficient it kills me sometimes. My eldest is in first year of high school and refuses point blank to let me drive her there. Rain/snow or shine, she walks with her friends.

I can see that all mine won't need me soon enough. confused

TowandaForever Mon 25-Mar-19 22:03:47

You should be very proud of yourself.

You've obviously done a great job with your children.

If you've failed like me your children will never be independent.

mumstaxi2 Tue 26-Mar-19 21:21:26

My son's are now 19 & 21 (not quite sure why I've found myself back on here!) Both left home to start university at the same time last September. I would fully agree with previous posters saying they'll always need you. I think I probably have more "conversations" now than I did when they were home. The odd facetime while they cook - "question mum can I cook salmon steaks from frozen?!" , essays to proof read, chats about nights out, football matches played, job applications & holiday plans - all sorts which prove that our role as parents are as important as ever. Meanwhile the "empty nest" is surprisingly pleasant - we're getting used to being just the two of us again. It's quite strange at first but it definitely makes you enjoy the kids more when they come home.

HoozThatGirl Thu 28-Mar-19 13:12:07

Mine are 21 and 23 and I know exactly what you are feeling. It does get easier but those days of being properly needed are gone forever.
Having said that the 23 year old did ask me to go with him to a hospital appointment last year. I think it's often a good idea to have someone with you at a consultation as a second pair of ears. I took DH with me to one just in case I missed any questions.

RavenLG Thu 28-Mar-19 13:26:34

I'm 31 and I can say my parents will never not be needed. I couldn't even begin to think of what I would do without them and we live at different ends of the country. Your relationship might be different, and you might 'not be needed' in the sense of day to day things like hospital appointments, washing etc, but they need you. And sit back and revel in the fact you've raised lovely young men.

And if there is grandchildren one day then you'll DEFINITELY be needed hahaa.

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