Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

[Pegsinarow]

Just me then

[Ticklingcheese]

No, not just you. You have my sympathy 😀.
A couple of years ago, I was in your situation. It is hard. I was worn down by this combined with sick elderly parents. Always being told you are wrong and a bad person does not do anything good for you, even though you know it is hormonal. My dh told me to ignore the outbursts, that is a lot easier said than done especially when it was me who was the target.
But it will pass, didn't believe it at the time, it lasted two years, but she ended up a sensible adult 😀.
My best advise is to tell her you love her ( in words) and leave the situation when she is unreasonable.
Hugs to you, I know you need it.

[Obviouslynotallthere]

No definitely not just you. Just in from work. DS2 15 has been awful at school and any discussion is shut down by him being nasty. I've had enough really.

[Ragwort]

Sympathy, I've found the Teen years really tough, thankfully my DS is now 18 and seems to be growing out of the argumentative back chat. There have been occasions when I was in tears of frustration, and I am well aware that he has not been as ‘bad’ as some Teens can be.

No advice, but just stick with it.

[WhoopiGoldbergsCat]

I'm with you.
I feel like crying most days because of the hurtful things my teen says to me. Yesterday he told me he wishes I was dead. He's so rude unkind and miserable. It's hard and so draining.
I feel like this is never going to end.

[Pegsinarow]

Thank you Tickling cheese. I never thought being a parent could be as demoralising as it is right now. I feel thoroughly miserable so it's very reassuring to read your reply. I feel like I'm going slightly mad tbh as although my friends complain about "the joys" of parenting teens in a jokey way from time to time, none of them have mentioned feeling seriously upset or anything. So it's nice to hear from someone who understands, as I was beginning to think it was only me having these issues!

I'm sorry to hear you endured something similar. That can't have been easy with elderly parents to look after. You must have been exhausted.

Like you, I am the main target for her outbursts, mainly because I'm the one that is always here. Her father can do no wrong but be travels frequently! Tbh I recognise I feel extra sensitive about her words because I do feel like a failure. My dh earns ten times my wage so I have taken a very secondary role and DD in particular seems to despise me for it. At the time, I genuinely thought it was the right decision for all of us for one parent to keep the home fires burning. Now I'm not so sure .

I am going to try and follow your advice and walk away from arguments in future. I like to try and resolve conflicts when they arise but I can see this is not working currently. Time for a change of tack. Thanks again.

[Ragwort]

I think lots of parents with teenagers go through this, I was recently with a friend and told her how down I felt, she has what appears to be an amazing family, straight A students, appear to all love spending time together doing lovely things, she told me she felt exactly the same way and was often in tears.

What I find hard is that my DS does know how to behave, I frequently get comments about how charming, polite and well behaved my DS is ... why can’t he be like that at home?

[Ihopeyourcakeisshit]

@Pegsinarow As a menopausal mother of a teen I feel your pain.
Not having a great time at the moment, but apparently if she "isn't taking drugs or acting like a hoe I should suck it up"
Charming It 's only 4.45 and I'm desperate for the wine I've bought to hurry up and chill.

[RickOShay]

I am by your side Pegs.
I wish I could joke about my teen’s
floordrobe, but frankly it’s the least of my problems
Her behaviour was so extreme, we had outside support. That woman saved me from a dark place of guilt and self hatred, but before then I was spiralling down with my daughter, I just couldn’t take what she was dishing out to me.
Things are okayish now, though I am not holding my breath. I wish you strength, please remember it is NOT your fault and chances are you will both come through it stronger and more self aware. for you sweetheart.

[maxbabi]

Yes yes yes to everything that's been said so far.
I'm having a tough time myself and my two only add to my daily tears of frustration.
Sometimes they are nice then it's horrendous. Things broken etc etc.
I can't wait to run away!
Single parent here with no financial or family help.

[Pegsinarow]

Oh I see it's not just me! Thanks for further responses although sorry to see so many of us are being put through the mill by our teens.

Whoopi and Ragwort I'm not usually a pushover, but for the first time today I actually did cry in front of her (embarrassing and not good) but I just felt flawed by the way she said what she did, never mind the words themselves! Her manner was just so unkind.

Actually Obviouslynotallthere maybe nasty is a more accurate word. I was shocked tbh. I don't know if your son is the same but DD actually seemed to enjoy the fact that I was upset, like she had gained the upper hand somehow. At the same time I was infuriated about her lack of respect and ingratitude too, as compared to many, she's had quite a good life so far.

Yes Ragwort no choice but to stick with it [ looks at prospectuses of sixth form boarding schools] but I can't say it's fun currently.

[Obviouslynotallthere]

I can only add to my brief post that the rude back chat and blatantly sexist rudeness from my DS2 is the least of our difficulties. His behaviour has more soul destroying than anything. Cannabis, staying out overnight and MH issues in the main. The rudeness just diminishes our willingness to keep going.
Today is a bad one though.

[TarragonSauce]

It's not just you.
We didn't reply earlier because we were all busy girding our loins and knocking back the Kalms in preparation for the after-school onslaught!
I so hear you on the clash between teenagerdom and menopause. I had my youngest when I was 35 and began peri-menopause at 47 so she and I were real fun to be around. Actually, you barely saw the two of us in the same room st the same time such was the angst.
We are coming out the other side. Yes, we are. And some days it's actually really nice having an older teen daughter. At least I know she will be utterly honest about my 'ok I'm menopausal but I can still be fashionable' clothing choices.
Things that helped me through:-

• taking sufficient time to be on my own. I took up walking around our local RSPB site. Teen thought I had cracked, but it intrigued her, this out of character behaviour from Mum. Don't explain yourself. Keep them intrigued, puzzled by at least one aspect of you.
• picking my battles but then only fighting half of them anyway. My mantra 'do as you think best then but I reserve the right to say I told you so in ten years time. Coffee?'
• letting her know that you are finding life hard (aside from teenage issues). We cannot be Strong Brave Unshakeable Mum forever. At some point they need to take a peek at the person. But ten minutes later you will need to revert to the above. But that's ok - that demonstrates resilience to her.
• Address your own symptoms. You're worth it. Don't try to struggle through menopause with a couple of paracetamol and some green tea. If you need help then get it. Find the time.
• This too will pass. Repeat ad nauseum. Then when you wake up start it again. It goes for both of you. She also needs to know that one day her feelings will change and you will both still be there sitting at the kitchen table looking at each other.
• there is more than one way to skin a cat. Use in all sorts of situations - revision, exam failures, boyfriend blues, fashion disasters.
• it will be alright in the end. If it's not alright it's not the end.

Gin.

[Ginger1982]

How did she react when you cried?

[TheWomanin12B]

Yes. Mine can be absolutely awful. It's so exhausting and upsetting. Rudeness, stroppiness, ruining every single family outing, even if we have specifically chosen something they'd like... Etc. Etc.

I have had to take up running to help my mental health because I was going to some very dark places in my head.

[Ticklingcheese]

pegsinarow
Oh, I hear you, I'm a sthm, with a much traveling dh. At times I regretted having been there for dcs, always. Dh the 'visiting' fun parent. But, but, but my now adult dd gets it now 😀. And don't feel bad if it wasn't your carrer choices, it would be something else. Don't let her get to you.
It is the resentment and loathing that oozes through everything that gets to you.

[3dogs2cats]

Oh god. Everyone thinks ours is a darling. Walking on eggshells constantly. It’s got so I’m tongue tied when I need to talk to her, keep thinking I can’t go on, but I do. She is much less reactive with my husband. I spend a lot of time hiding from her.

[MachineBee]

Another here who found it tough. I went through a divorce when my DDs were 15 and 17. Then 4 years later I met a man with 4 DCs - the eldest of which was 13 and I went through it all over again! Just as my menopause started. Ironically it’s the very youngest who’s 15 now, who has been the easiest - at least so far!

Try not to take it personally, find some interests of your own outside the house so you are a little less available when they suddenly demand a lift, money, internet fixed, etc. Rope in some other adult support if you can. Your DH needs to step in here and show solidarity with you. He cannot carry on just being ‘the one who can do no wrong’.

[MachineBee]

I would also say to let take responsibility for their own decisions- and don’t rush to pick up the pieces for them if they get it wrong unless they are in actual danger.

[LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD]

Well mine has taken to telling anyone who will listen how hard done by he is. I’m amazed we haven’t had SS at the door.

[lolaflores]

I'm in my menopause. Dd is 12 and I cry so much.
She adores her dad Nd they are a party of w.
She barely speaks to me.
Seems to actively despise me. We cant communicate 90% of the time and I wonder where my sweet child went. The one who hugged me, kissed me and held my hand.
I am redundant except as a punch bag and it is killing me.
I am bipolar and just feel fuckinh awful most days.
U r ot alone

[Pegsinarow]

That must be very tough doing it on your own Maxibabi . No wonder you want to run away!

That's the thing, dd can be very loving and nice; the other night we were watching a film together and she had her head on my knee and I was stroking her hair. Then, in a second (usually be wise I've said something "wrong" or said something in the "wrong"way) it all blows up! It's exhausting!

RickOShay thank you, that's so kind of you. Sounds like you have been through an horrendous time. . I hadn't considered it before, but if things get any worse, I might think about getting outside help as I feel really floored by this.

That's interesting about your friend Ragwort. Maybe people don't feel as though they can open up about this in rl as they see it as some kind of personal failure (I know I do!). In my saner moments, I know it's also about how teens grow away from their parents too and is part of a natural process. Maybe there should be public support groups!

My DD knows how to behave too. She's very polite and well behaved at school, too quiet if anything! She just reserves her ire for me home atm!

Thanks Ihopeyourcakeisshit wine sounds good . That's the thing , I know we are the adults here, I know the onus is on us to support, calm and encourage and to be good role models etc. Also I know being a teen is hard and that the world is particularly hard for young people atm, but are we really expected to put up with this level of shit? Were we as bad in our day? Maybe we were? I wouldn't have dared used that sort of language or tone to my mother though. Have we let things swing too far?

Thanks for your support everyone. It's really hard isn't it?

And I've just realised, it's only Monday too! [sigh]

[WoollyMummoth]

You are so not alone.This thread has actually made me feel much better as I have a massive issue with my teenage DS. Rude, snarky , unhelpful, downright mean. And it’s only with me. Dad can do no wrong. It’s so easy to feel victimised or to rise above it because you feel really hurt and disrespected as a person . I hope to god he grows out of it soon.

[Pegsinarow]

We didn't reply earlier because we were all busy girding our loins and knocking back the Kalms in preparation for the after-school onslaught!

Ha! Thanks Tarragonsauce this made me for the first time today! And thanks for the really great advice there too from you and from Machinebee! I'm taking notes!

Obviouslynotallthere, Lolaflores, LordProFlekko and Sorry it is such tough going for all of you too.

It's not at all nice to be used as a verbal punch bag. And yes, the sexism is strange and very unpleasant too!

Hiding sounds like a good idea 3dogs2cats and/or running Thewomanin12b!

I think the advice about not being as "available" as before is really good actually. Thinking about it, it may teach dd a bit more appreciation as well as getting me out of my current pit of despair.

As mentioned below Ginger1982 she actually seemed quite triumphant that she had gained the upper hand. I wasn't looking for sympathy but it wasn't pleasant.

And thank you Ticklingcheese it is good to know there is hope for the future and this too shall pass etc.

Sorry to be so slow replying to everyone btw - making fish cakes while typing - and now I have read all these supportive replies, I am no longer crying in to the mash!

[Pegsinarow]

Welcome to the club Woollymummoth!