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Still gone

(49 Posts)
sarah293 Tue 10-Jul-07 21:26:42

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sarah293 Tue 10-Jul-07 21:38:38

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Sobernow Tue 10-Jul-07 21:48:08

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sarah293 Tue 10-Jul-07 21:54:20

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cylonbabe Tue 10-Jul-07 21:55:44

i have no experience either, but just want to add my positive thoguhts for you.

Sobernow Tue 10-Jul-07 22:04:52

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Sobernow Tue 10-Jul-07 22:05:53

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stressteddy Tue 10-Jul-07 22:09:52

riven - love to you. I have no words of wisdom to offer but only hope that you can find some way of dealing with this that doesn't just feel like surviving. Will think of you
Come and talk to us/ tell us how you're feeling whenever you want. Someone will always be here to listen even if (like me) they don't quite know what to say to help you

GreebosWhiskers Tue 10-Jul-07 22:10:45

I'm in a slightly similar boat to you. My dd1 & dd2 both live with their dad & stepmum. They lived with me & dh until a few years ago but both moved out at about the same age (11) - dd1 moved out in 2004 & dd2 in 2005. I'm still not sure why either of them moved as we had the odd row etc but nothing major.

It was hard but to start with they at least came here every 2nd weekend for 2 nights - basically just a reversal of when they lived here & visited their dad. However now dd1 isn't interested in coming here at all so I only see her for a few hours one day a week when we all visit my parents. We often find it hard to find something to talk about & I feel as though we're just drifting apart but don't know what to do about it. I know that teenagers often withdraw from their parents & that it's part of growing up but I wonder if her living elsewhere is making it worse. I also find it hard to tell dd1 off as I feel somehow it's no longer my place.

I know exactly what you mean about maybe she feels rejected because you let her go - I worry about the exact same thing. I let mine go without a fight because it's what they wanted & I didn't want to force them to stay where they were apperently so unhappy but now I wonder if (as was suggested to me by someone on MN) I actually gave them the message that I didn't want them when really I just didn't want to make it harder for them to be happy.

I miss them so much still & thank god that at least dd2 still wants to come see us even though she shows no sign of moving back. It's hard for 2.4yo dd3 - whenever dd2 is here for the weekend poor dd3 spends the first few days after dd2 leaves looking around the house for her. 8mo ds will probably be the same when he's old enough to notice

I know from your OP that my situation doesn't seem as bad as yours but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone & there are others who know how you feel. Please feel free to contact me if you ever want a chat.

sarah293 Tue 10-Jul-07 22:32:57

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littlechirp Tue 10-Jul-07 22:35:50

Riven, I can give you one powerful reason for "just being there" no matter how bad a mum you think you may have been. If you give up trying and were to give up or worse your dd would almost certainly have a bleak future. Keeping contact by IM is excellent. Tell her she is the first and last person you think of every day. No matter what her written response, she will remember that. Her friends may be a terrible influence but they can never be Mum. Keep reminding her that you love her unconditionally and when eventually she gives you her version of the reason she left, which almost undoubtedly will paint you as a demon, make sure you stay calm and let her know that although you don't see it that way you understand that's how she feels about it. Never give up.. the mum force be with you..

Charlee Tue 10-Jul-07 22:37:16

Riven - I left home when i was 14 and moved out completley. My mum and i were not getting on and every conversation we had turned into a blazing row.
I did come home after i had a spell of indipendence my mum kept in touch and i was greatful for that (even though i kept telling her i didn't want her to) I always knew she was there for me.
When i returned we had souch a fantastic relationship and we still do.

I have no real advice except if you know where she is or have a number for her just make sure she knows you will welcome her back with open arms at anytime.

Sorry you are going through this.

sarah293 Tue 10-Jul-07 22:39:52

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winnie Tue 10-Jul-07 23:03:57

riven, I have only just seen this. I am sorry you are going through this. I am virtually estranged from my dd (17) and we have had a nightmare 18 months. I know why this has happened with dd and I (she got involved with drugs in order to deal with the difficult stuff which was causing her mental health problems and gradually the drugs took over and became the problem. I have done everything and although she has finally moved out after two other attempts at moving out and although she is daily making choices for herself that break my heart I am only now beginning to accept that 1) I can't fix it & 2) I have to let her go
She is my dd and I love her unconditionally but she is the only one who can change her life (as I am a 'doer' in my professional life as well as my personal life I find it very difficult to accept that I can't do anything that makes any difference now - and my goodness I've tried everything). Although it makes me angry when people say it to me (I just want to scream at people "she'd my baby, she's so young and vulnerable and of course I want to protect her") I finally realise all I can do is keep letting her know that I love her, keep the door open for her and always offer her my support. It doesn't feel like enough but it is all that is left. This is my advice to you. Often I feel like I cannot breathe with the pain of it. It is like a bereavement in many ways. Start looking after yourself you will be no good to your other children , yourself or your dd if you don't but don't give up hope. Believe me I know the despair and hopelessness that engulfs one when a child feels lost to you but don't, don't give up hope. {{{{{}}}}

sarah293 Wed 11-Jul-07 09:25:43

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winnie Wed 11-Jul-07 12:44:04

Dying is NOT preferable Riven What use would you be to any of your children then? I am so sorry you are feeling like this. A couple of weeks ago I really thought I was having a breakdown going to see my GP really helped. Please go to see your GP. You sound depressed and you need some support. Do you think it would help to talk to a counsellor?

suezee Wed 11-Jul-07 12:55:13

oh dear...i cant really offer you anything but my sympathy.....y dont you try a differant approach like maybe offering to take her for a meal somewhere, she is obviously wanting to act like an adult sl why not humor her??????,try and salvage what you can at the moment because she will be loving the fact that you have no authority over her anymore, and i doubt she will want to give that up at the moment.where is she staying????how is she supprting herself??? only asking as i left home at 16 then realised i had to pay my own way in life, but was way too stubborn to go back home

winnie Wed 11-Jul-07 13:30:15

I agree that setting some time aside for dd and yourself to do something just the two of you is worth trying (although you may have already tried). I do this with my dd. Sometimes she comes, sometimes she doesn't but it is a way of keeping lines of communication open.

mummydoit Wed 11-Jul-07 13:42:30

Riven, I've never had to deal with anything like this myself but I couldn't ignore the sadness in your posts. All I can suggest is that you keep contact going from your side and hope she'll come round. Drop her an email or two every day or send her little notes. Nothing heavy, just news about what the rest of the family are up to. Trivial, family stuff. If you see something she'd like, buy it and drop it round. Nothing expensive - you're not trying to bribe her home - but a magazine, a bath bomb, her favourite chocolate bar. Just something that says 'I saw this and thought of you'. You just need to give her the message that she's in your thoughts and remains part of the family. I hope she comes back to you soon.

themoon66 Wed 11-Jul-07 14:23:06

Oh Riven. It's horrible. I had similar thing with DD when she was 16. She took up with a 30 year old deadbeat shite of a boyfriend and shacked up with him. He drove a wedge between us.

All I can say is that you must remember the little girl you had for the first 16 years is still in there. The 16 years of YOUR input has not gone.

She will come back to you, eventually. At the moment she is too influenced by her friends, but eventually you will get her back.

It's taken me four years (DD is 21 in September). She never actually came home to live again, but we have some great times, out shopping, chatting about all sorts of things and generally being nice to each other.

Oh, and she even admits I was right about the shite boyfriend these days!

littlechirp Thu 12-Jul-07 08:57:28

Riven ... is 2day any better? It sounds like u don't have enough support with your heavy load. I think you are entitled to feel like u do, with such a heavy load. If u don't want to go to the doctors think about "self referring" yourself to Homestart. It depends where u are - but Homestart has really changed it has volunteers of all types. Your boys need a mum. I learnt years ago - that I couldn't be a good mum unless I looked after myself.

winnie Thu 12-Jul-07 11:53:26

Riven, how are you today?

sarah293 Thu 12-Jul-07 17:16:59

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ggglimpopo Thu 12-Jul-07 17:25:44

I have experience of this. Contact me if you like gggglimpopo at hotmail dot com

sarah293 Sat 14-Jul-07 16:21:54

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