Teenage daughter (15) lieing about being with boyfriend

[Animalmad123]

Sorry to join up and be asking for help straight away!

My daughter is 15, 16 end of April, and has met a 17, nearly 18 year old boy last October. He is autistic and is very different to her, he is withdrawn, she is outgoing and bubbly. When she first went round to his house we talked to her beforehand and said she’d need to be careful as he was 17 and might be wanting to do more than she ought to be doing. She came back with a love bite!

We weren’t happy about this and she said it happened by accident, since then we have made sure she sees him in public places, such as cinema, shopping, or him coming to our house, we have let them go in another room but not in her bedroom.

Fast forward to yesterday, She was supposed to be staying with her female friend. When I texted her friends mum saying thanks for having her she said her daughter was away and my daughter was not staying there, cue about 60 calls trying to get her to answer, husband trying to remember the road where he’d dropped off the boyfriend some months previously and getting more and more stressed. He lives in a different area of the city. Eventually got her home safe when she eventually looked at her phone hours later and called us.

She is very upset, we are upset because she has lied to us and done this, and we are very worried about her. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to push her away but also don’t want her making mistakes she might regret. I’m trying to keep her safe without wrapping her with cotton wool we’ve tried to compromise and let her see him but it’s come to this.

We’ve always had a close relationship between us parents and her, but she is becoming more withdrawn in her room texting him and on group chat. I don’t want to push her away and her be wanting to leave home at 16!

Has anyone else had experience of this, or anyone able to offer any advice please?

Thankyou!

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I would emphasis that you are most upset about the lie, rather than anything else.

[Animalmad123]

Yes, Thankyou.

[Easterbunnyiscomingsoon]

Offer up he can't be such a great bf if he is party to her becoming a liar and getting her into trouble at home.
Invite him round. Best way to monitor how they are /how he is treating her.
Ime.

[Animalmad123]

Yes, my thoughts exactly. He has been round quite a lot, we’ve never stopped them seeing each other, just wanted to monitor them a bit or them only be out In a more public setting. I feel as though we had made a good compromise really, although I know they were a bit frustrated by the situation.

When they are together she is much more withdrawn and quiet than her normal self, he is very withdrawn and quiet, and even when they are in the next room they don’t seem to be talking and laughing, which is what she is usually like when she is with friends.

[iwillkeepthishouseclean]

If she's gonna have sex she'll find somewhere to do it in public if she's that determined... I think you're playing this wrong and Youl push her away ....

Talk to her tell her you're upset about the lying ...

Ask does she need to go on the pill ..

I'm not saying let him stay over I'm just saying be realistic and don't go to far the other way...

If you can talk to her in an open manner it will help communication x

[Bebe03]

This is tricky, I think you need to speak to her obviously about honesty etc but also be realistic.

Have you spoken to her about contraception & STI’s? If not I think you should, withhold judgment & ensure she is keeping herself safe. Even if you don’t agree with her having sex yet you need to try and withhold judgement as she’ll be more likely to open up to you.

Maybe support her to book a GP appointment or go to family planning just in case? Accept she may not want you to come.

And try to speak to her about consent & what a loving relationship looks like. This won’t increase the likelihood of her having sex it will just increase the chances of her keeping herself safe

I also think above post of inviting him around for tea is a good idea xx

[ItStartedWithAKiss241]

I think you are causing the lying by being so strict about when/where she can see her boyfriend. I know no one likes to think of their little girl having sex but she is 15 and 15 year olds do have sex. That’s her private business. I think a better parent would help her get a good contraceptive and encourage her honesty with you.
Imagine if something terrible would have happens to her and she was too scared to call you to ask for her as she had lied to you. Much better to know where she is. Sex is completely normal. If she was doing drugs or prostitution or stop lifting then I understand you needing to be so strict x

[ItStartedWithAKiss241]

Ask for help

[Animalmad123]

Thanks for everyone’s input so far. We’ve had some good honest chats today and are viewing the situation as a way to move forward positively.