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Help!!! Kicking out my teenage son!!

(26 Posts)
Angelfire666 Sat 02-Mar-19 16:40:28

This is the most painful thing I've ever had to do, he's 15 and as much as his behaviour has left me no choice, he's still my baby and it's killing me.😢
He's always been a handful but the last 6 months he's been verbally abusive, staying out till all hours of the night, won't listen to anything me or his step dad say to him, refusing to go to school,
I've got 2 other children aged 10 and 14 who are really starting to be affected by his behaviour and things came to a head on Wednesday when he became verbally and physically abusive to myself and step dad and I threw him out, he's been staying in a friends and will be staying in my mum's tomorrow but this cannot be permanent as she's unwell and as much as I stand by my decision to throw him out I am not just going to leave him homeless and wipe my hands of him
My plan of action so far is to go into the school on Monday and ask them to get him a social worker/support worker maybe or any other help they can offer
I guess I was just wondering if anyone had been through anything similar or had any advice. I feel like I've failed him 😢

OP’s posts: |
HollyBollyBooBoo Sat 02-Mar-19 16:58:50

Sounds horrendous Op.

Can you call social services yourself? Does he realise it's got to this dire stage?

Surely you can't just kick him out shock

dreichuplands Sat 02-Mar-19 17:07:08

Some councils will have support you can access and some will have very little, budget cuts have impacted on this type of preventive support. The school may have parenting support workers or access to them. Family therapy is a possibility but hard to access via CAMHS, May be possible privately.
When I was a duty social worker we had a lot of people phoning up and trying to place their dc in foster care at this age. We used to explain this wouldn't be happening and that child abandonment was a criminal offense.
What do you think the triggers for the recent changes in behavior are?
Have a look somewhere like amazon for parenting teenager books and read a few as a start.

Decormad38 Sat 02-Mar-19 17:10:05

At 15 you can’t just throw the child out op! Help should be sought surely?

IHaveBrilloHair Sat 02-Mar-19 17:15:42

I put my Dd in care at 14 as she was physically abusive.
SS were absolutely rubbish, but had no choice but to take her when I refused to.
She was there for 14 months, though spent a lot of time at home.
I have no regrets.
She's 17 now and although she's still the same in many ways, she no longer physically abuses me.

Angelfire666 Sat 02-Mar-19 18:10:11

Trust me I've not taken this lightly, we've had intervention from the school before, we've tried anger management, doctors, I've tried tough love, ignoring him, various other punishment like no pocket money, grounding but nothing has worked,
This really was my last resort and I want him home that's my plan once I've spoken to social services on Monday I just need to know that there's someone/something in place for me and him when things get bad

If he was an only child I never would of made this decision but when my 10 year old is hysterical at 1am because his brothers punching a door after being asked to stop swearing I didn't know what else to do 😭

OP’s posts: |
dreichuplands Sat 02-Mar-19 18:40:31

Have you contacted the police when he is assaulting you? You may find contact with your youth offending team helpful, they can have good resources.

Singlenotsingle Sat 02-Mar-19 18:47:04

Presumably his df is out of the picture, or otherwise no help?
If he's physically abusive, you should ring the police. This DS is going to get bigger and stronger, so he has to be stopped now.

littlebillie Sat 02-Mar-19 19:16:30

I would call the police at the time, this helped a friend with her dc

Angelfire666 Sat 02-Mar-19 19:44:18

His df has been told and knows what he's like but is absolutely no help, he won't take him to stay with him and his words of wisdom were "just tell him to stop it" 🙈🤬

OP’s posts: |
ukgift2016 Sat 02-Mar-19 19:48:07

OP it is horrible but due to budget cuts, sometimes it has to come to this point for a family to actually get support from SS.

You need to do what is right for your whole family. I hope social services support you going forward.

CerysBeizsley Sat 02-Mar-19 20:19:24

I sympathise my DS 13 sounds the same 😒. Things will change, try and hang in there

IHaveBrilloHair Sat 02-Mar-19 20:25:41

Have you tried telling SS they'll have to take him?

poobumwee Sun 03-Mar-19 12:51:02

If he is violent call 999.we are in a similar position. 16 year old ds asd regularly aggressive and violent. Dd is 10 and terrified of him. We self referred to SS. Police told us we could chuck him out at 16. But we are not going yo do that. Want a longer term solution as despite our best efforts he can not continue to live at hone, as it's affecting dd his dad and I too much. We have had him arrested and pressed charges for assaults against his dad and I. It was a tough choice but we had to get him to understand we had reached our limit. Our dd also needed to see h8s behaviour was not acceptable or normal.

Takethebuscuitandthesink Mon 04-Mar-19 20:17:14

Can you afford to put him up in a hostel/rent a flat as I’m sure him staying with friends/your mum can’t be permanent.

Angelfire666 Tue 05-Mar-19 18:17:53

Update!!!!
So after a meeting in school I agreed to let him come home, he was full of remorse and last night was fine, roll on to tonight and after being told he wasn't allowed out tonight he's thrown a strop slammed all the doors and walked out anyway 😭😭😭 I actually genuinely can't do this anymore, what am I supposed to do !?!?

OP’s posts: |
Angelfire666 Tue 05-Mar-19 18:19:29

Can I legally kick him out at 16 poobumwee? I'm just at my wit's end ATM

OP’s posts: |
poobumwee Wed 06-Mar-19 17:57:49

Hi Op
You need an intervention. You can section 20 via social care where you retain parental responsibility but he lives With support from social care. Would give you both some space You can cancel this too if things improve. The police told us you can chuck your son out as he is 16 but we clearly aren't going to just put him out on the streets how are you today ?

IHaveBrilloHair Wed 06-Mar-19 18:48:26

Support from social care?
Is that actually a thing?

You can chuck them out at 16 but I didn't want to do that either, I've sent her to stay with friends a few times since she came out if care, but I don't have it in me to make her homeless, as in street homeless.

ukgift2016 Wed 06-Mar-19 20:44:31

You can legally kick him out and social services will find him a placement.

Of course everyone is encouraging to keep him with you even with his poor behaviour. They are stretched and don't want the hassle of another child to look after.

They won't let him be on the street. Phone social services, say you cannot handle it anymore. You had no support and he needs to go.

Don't let them talk you round. Once they see you are serious they will have a duty of care to your son and you to provide support.

dreichuplands Wed 06-Mar-19 21:24:26

I think the reality for a 15 year old in care should be considered. In the area I worked in social care wouldn't house a teenager who was kicking off at home, it just didn't happen. The young people who were getting kicked out of their foster placements due to their behavior were being placed in really grotty hostels and sometimes in emergencies b&b's (not the kind you stay in on holiday) serious drug and alcohol problem s were rife as was youth offending. There is hardly any resources to look after young dc, older difficult ones weren't getting a look in. There were no placements and no resources for these dc even if we wanted to put them somewhere outside the family home.
It may be where you are OP is different but there is a need to be practical about what is actually out there.

Angelfire666 Wed 06-Mar-19 22:04:18

I'm currently trying to find him some where to stay, ss are now involved so hopefully they can help with this, I've been put on diazepam by the doctor as I've literally got no nerves left, I'm constantly on edge when he's in the house . I wish I could find him somewhere but it's not looking hopeful as his df lives to far away and he's refusing to go there, he can't stay at my mum's as she's unwell and I don't have any other family or friends he can stay with.

OP’s posts: |
dreichuplands Wed 06-Mar-19 22:32:43

I hope social services have some resources to help you OP.

Angelfire666 Thu 07-Mar-19 10:31:08

They've rang me today and are speaking to all the children's schools, which is fine as ds's school will back me up on what he's like as he's the same in school and my other two ds's schools have never had a problem with them their attendance and behaviour is fine. The social worker on the phone said something about an early help team and I'm unsure what she meant by this but at least it's a step in the right direction

OP’s posts: |
poobumwee Fri 08-Mar-19 10:38:09

OP, hope your son and yourself get some proper support now.

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