15 year old DD having male friends over. AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

(17 Posts)
FlamingGalar Tue 26-Feb-19 19:13:52

My 15 year old dd had arranged for one of her 16 year old male friends to come over to the house on Friday evening. DH is out on Friday night and I am away at the moment so no parental supervision. We have never met this friend of hers although we have heard a lot about him.

DD1 sees him as a really good friend although she only really speaks to him over snapchat and has met up with him a handful of times over the past couple of years that she’s known him. I’ve talked to her numerous times about being internet savvy but It seems to be falling on deaf ears. She thinks they are super close and I know nothing about the situation (she’s possible correct about this, but this is the main problem here. If I met him I may think differently!).

I’ve told her that I’m not happy for her to have any friends round the house that we don’t know while we aren’t there let alone a male friend that I don’t feel she even knows that well. To add to the uneasy feeling about this, she doesn’t want me to meet him at all although she’s happy for her dad to meet him. Maybe because I’m stricter about this sort of thing that DH.

I’m not trying to control who her friends are, but I do want to know who my daughter is spending time with alone in our house at the age of 15. Not to mention who is being allowed into my home while I’m not there full stop!

Her dad is so lax about this sort of thing as he grew up with zero boundaries so he doesn’t see much of a problem. Only when I spelt it out to him could he see my point of view.

My mum thinks if I come down hard on her about this they will just meet up elsewhere regardless.

Another layer to this issue is that I can see traits in dd1 that other people only acknowledge when pointed out. She comes across as very mature to most but in actual fact she is very naive in many ways and is far too trusting of people. She struggles massively with her self esteem and has had past mental health problems which are vastly improved recently. She finds it very difficult to recognise when people are joking/ teasing her. She doesn’t pick up on subtle social cues or even obvious ones sometimes. She is also a massive people pleaser. Frustratingly I seem to be the only person that notices these traits in her. Only when I listed all of these points to her mental health worker did she acknowledge that she does in fact behave in this way and they gave us a questionnaire to fill in re ASD. I always knew she wouldn’t get a diagnosis, which she didn’t, but this all adds to my discomfort about her inviting people into the house that we don’t know. She just doesn’t read situations or people in the way that makes me feel comfortable.

I’m not even sure what my question is. I really don’t feel I’m being unreasonable about this but I would appreciate other points of view on this issue. DD1 is very sensible and capable in many ways and has previously shown that she is a pretty good judge of character despite the traits I’ve mentioned above.

I suppose I’m wondering if I’m being a bit overprotective of her because everyone else I talk to seems so unboundaried with this sort of thing.

OP’s posts: |
user1493413286 Tue 26-Feb-19 19:16:05

I think you’re being perfectly reasonable. I don’t think I’d be happy with a boy coming over when I wasn’t there no matter what the situation. If she were to meet up with him anyway they would be in a public place which is safer in my opinion than an empty house

EvaHarknessRose Tue 26-Feb-19 19:18:39

DH needs to stay home.

FlamingGalar Tue 26-Feb-19 21:58:34

Thanks User, that’s my take on it too!

OP’s posts: |
FlamingGalar Tue 26-Feb-19 22:00:08

Eva, I’m pretty sure this is what will happen now. Although dd is so secretive about this friend of hers I suspect she will cancel if her dad is there.

OP’s posts: |
mcmen71 Wed 27-Feb-19 21:44:31

I wouldnt let him over unless i met him first My dd is 15 and im a complete pain to her when she is going out saying the boy should walk you back to where i can see him but this never happens I hate not seeing who she is with I constantly worry as she got hit at school by a girl so i hate her walking anywhere by herself and then we end up arguing and I ruin her evening I seem to constantly cause a big drama over this

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-19 21:50:01

This would not be happening in my house


WhatFreshHell Wed 27-Feb-19 22:00:06

OP, YANBU. My DD is 15, and we have endless arguments discussions about who can and can't come back to our house with her, especially in my absence. She says I am the most unreasonable person on the planet, but I know her judgement is not necessarily brilliant (she is a teenager, after all, so she is sometimes very sensible, and sometimes a large toddler). That being the case, I need to decide for her sometimes.

I see you say your DH can probably be at home, which might render this all irrelevant. Generally, though, I wouldn't let my DD be at home with a boy. She does have friends who are boys, but she normally meets them in town. On the rare occasions that they have been here, I've said that they need to be downstairs, where I am.

I know teenagers can get up to anything at all, regardless of what their parents say or do. However, I do feel I need to make my own feelings known, and am not going to facilitate anything I don't like the idea of.

FlamingGalar Wed 27-Feb-19 22:24:28

Thanks for your responses everyone. And thanks for confirming what I already really knew; that I’m not being unreasonable about this.

whatfreshhell Sorry you’re having to deal with this too, but it is a huge comfort to know I’m not the only one dealing with this stuff! It’s such a difficult age to navigate with them being so mature at some times and ridiculously toddler like at others.

I had a long chat with DH this evening and his understanding was that she was bringing her friend over while he was there so he could meet him. He hadn’t realised dd was planning on them spending the evening at the house while he was out. Luckily he completely shares my point of view so we can at least present a united front on this. DD1s communication skills are absolutely dire and this is part of the problem here. She gives us half of her version of events and just merrily swings along with the rest in her head.

When I get home DH and I are going to sit her down together and explain a few house rules to her and once again impress upon her the importance of clear communication. I suspect it will go in one ear and out the other like it so often does.

OP’s posts: |
NewName54321 Wed 27-Feb-19 22:24:48

Do you actually know he's only 16? Or is this something he has told her and she believed him? He might not be who he says he is...

WhatFreshHell Wed 27-Feb-19 22:47:07

@FlamingGalar You really are not the only one going through this. We're all suffering together. It's good that your DH agrees with you, as one fo my problems is that it's just me and the DC (not my choice), so I am a lone and annoying (in DD's view) voice. It's funny, as DD (my youngest) was my easiest toddler by far. Yet she's also my most difficult teenager. flowers for you...

anniehm Wed 27-Feb-19 23:03:37

You need to start to trust her - it's hard I know but if you don't let them see friends at home they will just go behind your back. We laid down ground rules and increased privileges gradually, ok so far, made it to 18. Dealing with boyfriends goes against instinct but we were young once too

Gruzinkerbell1 Wed 27-Feb-19 23:13:30

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I'm glad your husband is on side now and that you can be a united front.

FlamingGalar Thu 28-Feb-19 07:11:57

newname, well not 100%, no. Apparently he goes to the local boys school and they have a few mutual friends but I don’t really know this to be completely true! Another reason why we want to meet this guy.

Annie, I do trust her largely. Her decision making ability and risk assessment really aren’t her strong points though and im not actually sure how well she really knows this guy. On top of this, I want to know who is in my house. As a general rule I don’t think this is unreasonable.

Whatfreshhell, thank you! Yes dd1 was a very easy baby and toddler too. She’s pretty good as a teenager in the main to be fair to her. Just this communication and risk assessment issue that needs addressing.

OP’s posts: |
millythepink Tue 05-Mar-19 08:38:40

Our DD is just 16 and this wouldn't be allowed in our house.

Ohyesiam Tue 05-Mar-19 08:45:52

You’re right from your daughter’s safety point of view, and from strangers in your house point of view.

ConfCall Tue 05-Mar-19 17:49:25

If it were a boy from school it wouldn't bother me. But an internet person she's barely met before? No way. He's a stranger - I wouldn't want him in my house with no one else present. I'd say no to that if she were older too. I think that if you don't say no to this, your DH needs to stay in or to come home early.

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