DD's Toxic friendship woes

[mostunapproachable]

Hi
Looking for some advise on how to help my 15 yr old DD completely leave a friendship. Sorry if this is going to be long, I'm trying not to drip feed.

Background - she has been friends with this girl since reception. I was also friends with the girls mother however we have drifted - in part due to my DD's friend having several issues and in part to me feeling quite uncomfortable with this other girls relationship with her mother. They have a severe co dependency.

Examples of their relationship - they share a bed and have done so almost all of her childhood. Play dates had to always be at her house from primary up to teenagehood, she wanted to be the mum that took her DD and friends on any outings every single time - if another mum offered to take them swimming for example she would counter offer or insist she had to go too. Sleepovers had to be at theirs and one time I found out that my DD was taken into the bed with friend and her DM (age 11/12). I wasn't comfortable with this. DD would report that play dates would consist of the mother hanging around them constantly. Her mother also reads all her texts. She has to be in on all the action and involved fully. If the girls were going out she wanted to drive them or pick them up or go with them (if they were shopping for example)

The ongoing complications now is this girl has mental health issues - severe anxiety predominantly. I also have concerns of her personality - she is very moody, texts really unkind things (if a social activity isn't to her liking for example) changes plans constantly and puts my DD down frequently. I have strong suspicions that her DM instigates her to do so also. This had been a constant upset for the first 2/3 years of high school for my DD, we had weekly tears and many fraught texts/phonecalls whilst she was at school. Guidance were involved and spoke with DD and myself.

I attempted to mediate with the friends DM but was met with brick wall. We were told her DD has to be put first due to her anxiety (she is seeing cahms).

She's now been off school for a few months with severe anxiety and so my DD has made quite a lot of new friends and hasn't seen her. Life has actually been less complicated and my DD has grown in confidence and is out and about independently with friends all the time. Life has been good without her and my DD does not miss her - in fact dreads if she were to come back to school. And this is now looking likely as she is likely coming back for exams etc. She's been texting my DD again, who replies politely. She does not want to be her friend again though basically however is terrified she'll be seen as uncaring given she has mental health issues.

Any advice??

[Jackyjill6]

Can you talk to school for advice about this? They should be supporting the other girl with regard to returning to school.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

however is terrified she'll be seen as uncaring given she has mental health issues. It's perfectly ok for your DD to say that she's moved on. It does happen at all ages of life and your DD should not be worried about this.

[mostunapproachable]

Thanks - yes I think I will speak to the school.

I don't want her going back to the friendship anymore than DD does, it's just awkward that this girl is trying quite hard to do so and I think there are elements of guilt from DD.

[Jackyjill6]

Even more important to speak to school so they are not under the impression that your DD is part of the other girl's support network

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Oh dear, this is a horrible situation.

My dd had a friend with similar mh issues. I hate to admit it but I was relieved when she managed to extricate herself from that friendship (without cruelty) - a change of school helped. Your dd's ex friend needs to learn how to manage her mental health to the extent that she can retain friends and function well in society. Perhaps losing your dd's friendship will make something click in her brain?

Your dd is entitled to have nothing to do with this person after the unpleasant texts! Quite apart from any of the other issues.

[JustDanceAddict]

Friends drift naturally at this age anyway so your DD shouldn’t feel bad.

[Lara53]

It sounds like the mother’s also got huge issues with anxiety/ depression.

[mostunapproachable]

Yes, I think she may well do. She's a single parent and I never worked out who depended on who the most.