DD (18) met online stranger “boyfriend” without telling me...advice please

[CluelessOfThree]

Sorry for long post.

DD (18) is @Uni FT, living @home with PT job (1eve washing dishes). She’s v quiet, & reserved, loves reading, & not v good socially or streetwise. Since starting Uni she’s made a few friends, & kept in contact with school friends (4 - all at different Unis). Not joined any clubs, or into drinking, smoking or drugs. What most ppl wld class as a “good girl”: hard working, studious, helps around the house, looks after her younger siblings (15 & 11) while I’m @ work (FT eves since before Christmas). Basically, she’s still behaving like she was @school ie rarely going out with friends unless I nag her to make the effort to contact & arrange things! The only real change is she’s on the Internet a lot more although she will have breaks & put away her phone during dinner & family time.

I have her phone password & have access to it, but rarely check (she’s not doing anything “suspicious”, we talk about internet safety & what she’s doing/ seeing/ playing online etc). She has her dad’s old laptop for Uni & he bought her an iPad Pro (again for Uni). I have been on the laptop (she logs in to show me Uni stuff & access her emails), but not her iPad, which she primarily uses for drawing. Her younger siblings occasionally go on her devices.

She is really a reserved person & not keen on taking public transport (I drop her off @ bus stop during the day & this term she makes her own way home). When we go out to eat, she hates ordering. She hates shopping & is not into fashion or makeup. I tried to get her to work waiting tables or serving in a shop to help her out of her shell, but she refused (left after an hour!)

Two weeks ago she said she’d meet with her school friends so we discussed where they were going & how she was going to get there/ home. In the end, I dropped her off in the city as DS had an event on & little DD & I went to watch him. She later texted to ask if we could meet her as one of the girls had given her a big soft toy which she didn’t want to carry round with her. Knowing where they were, I turned up @the restaurant. The girls were there with a guy, which I hadn’t expected, but assumed he was someone’s Uni friend, although they (including DD) were a little “cagey”. I was told his name & I asked which of the girls he was studying with, to which he said he wasn’t; he’s from England.

Anyway, after a brief conversation (mostly me asking the girls how Uni is) I left with younger DD to collect my son. I bumped into my younger sister & her son who said they were v surprised to see my DD with her boyfriend earlier “holding hands”.

To say I was surprised is an understatement. To learn that he’s someone she’s met online through one of the games she plays, & has gone and made plans to physically meet him is shocking. Frankly I’m disappointed with her behaviour: we’re very close & she tells me most things. Thankfully she’s taken precautions by asking her friends along & meeting him in a public place, and when I questioned her after work she said it was their first meeting & they’ve spoken on the phone & WhatsApp calls for the last fortnight. She admitted her friends left them after lunch, & I know she didn’t get home until nearly 8pm. She even made dinner for herself when she got in!

This is her first “boyfriend”, whom she’s been chatting online since Oct. I have heard her mention his name before (she refers to him as the “cat person”) & she’s shown me photos of his cats & kittens. She’s previously said he was from London & rich (he apparently took plane up & stayed in another city for two days with his brothers).

i haven’t had the chance to talk to her properly today as she was @ Uni all day & afterwards we were at a family gathering & got back late. I’m not sure what to say to her either. DH doesn’t know: he will be furious, esp as he’s from a different culture & we are v “traditional”. Plus, the guy is from England, so there’s that distance thing (which I’m not keen on at all: it’s not as if we can just “pop round” to meet him/ his family.) I’ve met all her school friends & family, & most of her Uni friends (not their family as most are from abroad). Anyway, I said to DD to treat this as a friendship rather than a relationship partly due to the distance. She told me they’d take turns travelling (for a girl who hates going anywhere & needs someone to go on a journey with her at least once!)

Yes, I realise she’s no longer a little girl, but really she’s not at all independent. She’s quite immature for her age & looks much younger than her more streetwise, but younger cousin. I really don’t know what to say, without sounding overbearing(?) & pushing her away. Any advice/ thoughts please.

[spreadingchestnuttree]

In the nicest possible way, I think you're over-reacting. Your DD is 18, so legally an adult, and took sensible precautions meeting him in a public place, with friends. Arguably more sensible than a one night stand with someone she'd met in a club (which some uni students do).

Also why do you feel you have any right to "check" her phone anymore? What age will you continue doing that until?!

I think it would be fine to have a chat to her about staying safe but you need to back off a bit.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Leave her to live her life a little. She’s 18. You’re suffocating her. Keep the lines of communication open, and encourage her to talk to you.

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

'Without sounding overbearing'?!

You sound massively overbearing and need to re think your parameters - snooping in her phone is TOTALLY out of order.

She's an 18 year old adult meeting a guy, what is wrong with that?! If that helps her grow and get a bus alone for example isn't that a good thing?

[Monty27]

That was long, I skipped over much of it. You have an 18yo DD living at home and she's bagged a bf.
Better under your roof, get to know him and chill. until he goes wrong
It's kind of cute she's not doing anything behind your back.

[Coyoacan]

My daughter sounds like a lovely sensible girl, but you are treating her more like a fifteen year old than an eighteen year old and risk driving her away at this stage.

[Coyoacan]

Duh, your daughter, of course.

[bastardkitty]

Your poor daughter! You have boundary issues. You treat her like a child. Where is your husband while you're at work and your daughter is babysitting for her siblings?

[mrbob]

She is an ADULT. Why the fuck are you looking at her phone/laptop?! You need to back off

[Oddsocksandmeatballs]

She's 18, it's time to loosen those apron strings and stop micromanaging her.

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

OP my mother could absolutely have written your post even down to the twee " treat it as a friendship not a relationship " quote which she said to me as a late teen early twenty

I am so low contact with my mother it's incredibly rare I speak to her and if I'm honest her controlling is a joke in our house...she is a joke in our house

She tried to control every aspect even the same as you convincing me that I wasn't really up to doing things like travelling...i just wasn't that sort of girl

I absolutely bloody was .....if you don't figure out really fast that you are infantilising her you will lose her

None of which you are going to hear because you absolutely believe you are right

Leave the girl be and don't get involved beyond basic (very basic ) safety support

Step back hugely

[gerispringer]

She’s 18 and got a boyfriend shock horror! Plenty of people meet their bf / gf online these days. She’s growing up. Get over it and stop babying her. If she was away at uni you wouldn’t have a clue where she’s was going, what she was doing in the evenings. She is talking to you, she’s got friends, including a male one, nothing wrong with that. Cut the apron strings a bit.

[FlagFish]

Sorry OP, I know this must be a massive shock for you as it seems so out of character for your DD. But she really hasn’t done anything wrong.

She met a boy online (normal). She arranged to meet him and asked her friends along just in case (normal and sensible for an 18yo - obviously it would be different if she was 13). She was spotted holding hands with him and didn’t get home till nearly 8pm shock horror!!!! You say you’re traditional, but is this really unacceptable to you? Most 18 year old girls at uni are having sex with their boyfriend and staying out until midnight! She likes him and wants to stay in touch, and is prepared to make the effort to go outside her comfort zone to do so. That’s good, right?

Honestly OP, your DD hasn’t done anything wrong.

[Fightthebear]

I assume from what you say you are not white British op and not in the UK.

From my white British cultural perspective you sound smothering (sorry!). Your daughter has met a young man online and sensibly met up with him in a group. They were holding hands.

For the UK your daughter sounds pretty conservative but I appreciate things may be different where you are. I’m not sure you’ll get much help on this thread to be honest as for most UK people you will sound overbearing and there will be too big a culture clash.

Your daughter sounds great, time to trust her more.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

I'm more concerned that your 18 daughter is not keen on taking public transport and needs her mum to fetch and collect her.
Agree that she shouldn't be doing childcare for her siblings when there are 2 adults in the household.
She sounds like she took sensible precautions meeting this man (I don't think you mentioned his age), in public with her friends.
If her dad "would be furious" it explains why she didn't tell you.

[theworldistoosmall]

You check your adult dd's phone and have her password. Give the woman her privacy.
Big deal she has a boyfriend.
She's no longer a child, stop being such a control freak.

[katykins85]

Christ, you need to bsck right off! You have no right checking hef phone or other devices anynore, she is an ADULT ffs!

And stop using her for childcare and let her have a life!!

[sashh]

Everything Shinyletsbebadguys said.

You are a control freak, you are trying to keep her as your 'little girl' she is an adult.

[SuchAToDo]

Op no offence, but your daughter is 18 years old...she is legally an adult and if she wants to meet up with a guy online and meet him in a safe public place with friends, then that's her business...

You have no right to be looking through her devices, or snooping in her social life, her friendships or her potential love life...

You need to take a huge step back, and not loosen the reins, let go of the reins completely...because you sound controlling and overbearing

[blackcat86]

Do you think that this may be why she didn't tell you about the boyf? You think you have a good relationship with her but she sounds suffocated and knows it. Checking her phone? Is that a joke, she's an adult at uni. Does she check your phone then?

Stop using her for childcare. An 11 and 15 year old are more than capable of being left alone together before you get home for work. You seem happy to give DD adult responsibility without the freedom, privacy and respect that comes with it. You will drive her away and show her that it's ok for people to control her and disrespect her.

[SD1978]

I'm not really suprised she didn't tell you. She's 18, at uni, and you still access her phone and personal messages. You are overbearing. She met him in a public place, with others around she trusts. The only thing you should be is pleased she's taken her safety seriously- and tell her to change her passwords so you can't acess her private information.

[Gina2012]

You won't be capable of hearing this @CluelessOfThree but you are controlling and disrespecting your daughter who is an adult young woman and should be allowed to live her life without you snooping and judging

[SD1978]

Ooh- and decided not to get into the casual racism aspect of your original post.

[CurlyWurlyTwirly]

Your poor daughter op.
Cut her some slack, otherwise as soon as she is able she will be moving out. ( and I wouldn’t blame her)

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

No wonder she’s not at all independent. You still treat her like she is so much younger. Stop checking her phone and laptop, she is 18!! If you want her to get along well in life, you need to back right off. She is entitled to her privacy and not to tell you things.

[alwayscrashinginthesamecar1]

Wow! You really need to back off lady! And your daughter really needs to work on her self confidence, avoiding public transport/not liking to order food is ridiculous.