DS being teased at school

[bamboowarrior]

DS is being teased constantly at school, by groups of kids , who mutter to him about a girl they say he likes... ( he doesn't!)

he has just told us about it and says that it is non stop, in different classes, large numbers of kids.. that he has had enough but doesn't want to speak to teachers etc...

Any advice?? could he just say " aren't you bored of this yet?" or is it better to keep ignoring and eventually they will shut up??

no previous experience of this so please help!!!

[Doglover3488]

This is a really tough one.

I am a teacher (Secondary age) and see this stuff a lot. Not "bullying" as such, but just the type of teasing you mention above.

It's a really tough one. As a teacher I wouldn't always bring it up as speaking to the offenders can certainly make it worse...going down the "oh you're a snitch/cry baby route".

HOWEVER - this certainly sounds like this is affecting him in a big way, the fact that he has even spoken to you about this speaks volumes.

I've been a teacher for 10 years and I still don't know the answer to this. It's something I worry about in the future for my own children. Children in school environments can be like animals. They will gang up on weak targets with zero acknowledgement of a person's feelings. I don't know if it's a society thing, a millennial thing, or if this is just an innate human response to how children behave when in group situations.

I'm really sorry your son is going through this. My advice would be to explain to him that this definitely is only temporary, and that sometimes people can be horrible and that it's not OK and he SHOULDN'T have to just accept it - however, at this time there's not much else he can do other than ignore it? That sounds awful and I can't even believe I am writing it...but I'm yet to find a school that has an effective way of dealing with bullies.

Keep a super close eye on him for any further behavioural changes and really encourage him to keep speaking to you. If you feel like it's getting worse then certainly approach the school and fingers crossed they have a decent way of dealing with it.

Sorry I couldn't be more help!! Good luck.

[bamboowarrior]

thanks both for your replies, really appreciated as feeling so upset and worried - he's 13 - his behaviour has changed alot this halfterm, been alot angrier/ sadder at home, we thought it was regular teenage hormones - I guess this is why.

yes somehow ignoring seems only plan currently so as not to feed the story , but he says he can't take it anymore, but doesn't want us/ him to talk to anyone - feeling helpless 😟😟😟

[Pigflewpast]

Doglover that’s a really helpful post, thank you. Going through very similar with ds at the moment. I’m wondering if it’s worth speaking to the year manager so that they’re aware it’s happening and upsetting him, but asking them to just keep an eye without speaking to the boys unless it escalates?

[bamboowarrior]

thanks so much, great responses from you guys - yes I think building resilience would be good, for him to just brush it off, with a smile or a wink or say yeah yeah Yadda Yadda - he has mates at school which is great, and plays sports but isn't so much part of a gang / one of the lads - wanting to help him find a way shake it off

always good as anxious mum to be reminded it's only temporary 😏

[Doglover3488]

Pigflewpast you're welcome.

Yes definitely would be worth mentioning to the Head of Year to ask his teachers to just keep out an ear for such "teasing" and ask them not to address it, but to simply make a log - what they heard, when/where, and by who?

That way you can accumulate the "data" and after a couple of weeks be able to piece incidents together to see a bigger picture. Sounds easy right? Actually getting teachers in a school to do that consistently is a nightmare. It's not that teachers don't care - they are just totally run off their feet with marking/meeting deadlines/jumping though endless hoops of bullshit. The stat for teachers leaving the career in the first 3 years is crazy high. The UK education system is just one big mess unfortunately.

Having said that - it's definitely worth a try! Approach it optimistically and if the school is no help, be sure not to communicate that with your son. Letting him know that the school are failing to address the issues will not help his attitude towards going to school! So be careful there - basically don't slag off the school to him.

Some people are talking about building resilience, which is great. BUT - we need to be careful here. We don't want to create a culture of "there's bad people in the world and we just have to take it and brush it off"...

The bottom line is he shouldn't have to take it, and this shouldn't be happening - so when building resilience make sure that point is stressed.

I really sympathise - but hopefully if it's tackled in the right way he'll learn some valuable life skills from this, and when he goes on to bring up his own children he will do so in a way so as not to create any more bullies.

[Doglover3488]

Wearywithteens - oh yeah I knew you weren't suggesting they should just "take it" :)

[bamboowarrior]

it's so difficult - he's asked me not to do anything - so if I go to his tutor or head of year, I am betraying him - even if I ask them not to speak to anyone, but just keep an eye on things....

while we decide whether to contact school secretly, should we suggest he react with a smile/ shrug/ "whatever" - sounds like he's ignored it for ages and has finally had enough.

[cauliflowersqueeze]

Even though he has asked you not to say anything, I think by your posts it’s clear that he could do with it stopping.
Could you speak to his head of Year and explain that he was keen for you not to speak to him/her but to speak to his friends and ask them if everything’s ok with minibamboo - sometimes it just takes for a little word for it all to stop.

I’ve had dozens of parents ring me and tell me that their sons have asked them not to - I don’t betray their confidence ever - the aim is to help.

I think part of the problem is that they see these comedians on telly taking the piss out of each other and enjoying the “banter” but at that age they are not able to take it very well.