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Typical or not so typical break up

(9 Posts)
villarenter30 Sat 02-Feb-19 18:24:06

Try to keep it short - 17yr old daughter with 19 yr old boyfriend been together off & on 8 months he had done some cheating but always in the off stage - went on a lads holiday finished it with her - literally cut my daughter got with another girl immediately - 8 weeks later came back crying he'dmade a mistake they got back - will admit he didn't go out as much since they got back - my daughter doesnt like his friends as they do drugs etc- but has encouraged him to go out with other friends - when they got back a second time he had several female friends - one of which had a boyfriend - my dd sees messages on his phone from this girl tellling him not to get back with my dd & sending fbook memes such as 'would u sleep with your best male friend' and commenting 'is this me ?' this obviously upset my daughter - as she also found that this girl had been warning other boys off my dd - my dd has no relationship with this girl other than the boyfriend as the common denominator. He stopped speaking to this friend and was making a big effort with my dd 2nd time around and they have been together a further 8 months- however he has trust issues with her - she is very attractive and he constantly thinks if she goes out other boys will look at her & make a move - he has said he feels this because of what hes done in the past & feels she may get revenge on him by doing the same back !!!! as thats what lots of people within his friends do - he started uni in september hates it & commutes instead of living there. in comes 2nd female friend who was friends with my dd as in r u going out ..meet u there kind of thing - when dd & boyf got back she continued messaging my dd for a while then just stopped but continued messaging him - at a recent party which my daughter couldnt go to boyf was there with 2nd female friend - female friend takes a pic puts on instagram of her and him but blocks my dd from seeing it - anyway different people sent it to dd - dd had gone to pick him up from party and row ensued outside his parents house - parents got involved & said theyhad noticed female friend only had eyes for him and during his & dd break up he had told father that she wanted more and he didnt want it and wanted to be back with dd - dd & him appeared fine - and parents had told him female friend would cause issues & he had supposidly broken off contact - they assured dd he thought the world of her.
he then tells my oldest daughter that his friends think dd is a psycho girlfriend - they are in at same uni & hes more fun single and should try messaging this girl or that girl - shes asks why they think shes psycho & he says its as they only see when they argue - he has now ended it with dd saying dd is an awful person & horrible & told parents that he cant cope with the jealousy etc - then next day tells dd she isnt happy so cant make him happy - and again blocks her on everything so no contact - one of dd's friends of a friend of his male friends has told dd that he has maintianed contact with 2nd female friend and that his friends see my dd as a joke.
Dd is telling me this is a huge turnaround - he spoke to her all day every day and as far as she was aware they bickered but were fine - she has spoke to his parents who are saying they are as shocked as she is - and cant believe the turnaround - he always told them how much he cared about her - but that they feel he is immature, and will again be sorry - she is bereft looking for an answer for his behaviour and blaming herself - He has told her he will never get back with her but he told her that last time - she says he cares about his image and would feel coming back to her would wreck his image with his friends !!!! She just tells me how much she loves him urghhh - both female friends are older than my daughter - and his friend group are 19/20 and I guess as I am invloved I am looking for other peoples views as I cant give her an answer - can anyone help please with their thoughts ...anythin

OP’s posts: |
lljkk Sat 02-Feb-19 18:30:00

she is bereft looking for an answer for his behaviour and blaming herself

He behaves like that because he wants to, not her fault. She can do better. She owes it to herself to do better. Lots of relationships (even among teens) are stable or just plain boring. Lots of fellows want to be a devoted boyfriend who doesn't mess you about. Look for a nice guy.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 02-Feb-19 20:09:48

This sounds like a Jeremy Kyle episode and the relationship is littered with so many red flags.

Could you persuade your DD to bloke him on Social Media and block this girl too?

spacehopperchopper Sat 02-Feb-19 20:14:35

My DD is younger than yours but the scenario sounds very similar. In this case, mutual, ‘female friend’ is engaging in behaviour which seems intended to turn the BF on to her or away from DD. It’s interesting behaviour.. my DD is straight up and not conniving in any way. The BF is flattered by the attention? Unsure of his own feelings? Easily led or persuaded by other girls who give him attention? Who knows, they are all still learning and making mistakes but in my case my advice to my DD is that relationships should be considerate, respectful and honest. If your DD’s BF has been turned by the female friend then he must learn how to be honest with himself and stand up for what he wants and do the right thing. If he continues to be manipulated by the female friend then it doesn’t sound like he has the qualities to continue a meaningful relationship with your DD who sounds like she’s been messed around enough. She should finish it if he can’t be true to himself.

villarenter30 Sat 02-Feb-19 21:49:02

Thank you for replies so far - everything is much appreciated - I agree he's immature and easily led and so are his friends - my daughter struggles with why hes done it as its such a huge turnaround - which yes hes perfectly entitled to have but she is adamant it just doesnt fit right with his behaviour up to the break up and if he can say to his parents how much he cares for her and couldn't see her with anyone else - in my daughters eyes how can he risk losing her

OP’s posts: |
Mixedbags Sat 02-Feb-19 22:16:19

Your poor daughter, it’s awful for her being messed around. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. I would encourage hobbies and other friendships. Sometimes they will not listen and the boyfriend relationship has to get to a stage where it actually dawns on her that he is treating her badly. Hopefully she will have a realisation that she is worth more. It won’t hurt for you to subtly mention friends or friends of friends daughters/celebrities who have had similar issues and how they dealt with it. Just to make her think.

titchy Sat 02-Feb-19 22:28:53

Christ this 'relationships' has red flags galore. Help your dd see them and build up her self esteem and realise she is worth so much more.

spacehopperchopper Sat 02-Feb-19 22:38:45

Yes, I agree with titchy that you should now concentrate on building your DD’s self esteem. It sounds possible that the day will come when he wants her back again and she needs to be strong and in a state of mind where she can tell him no.

mcmen71 Sun 03-Feb-19 20:36:07

My daughter had same situation bf was posting photos of other girls as his profile said he wasnt taking them down as he didnt want to upset them but didnt mind upsetting my dd Another girl flirted non stop and told him she fancied him so off course he was excited but thought ill keep the 2 or maybe 3
My dd msg him said iv had enough and he said ok im so sorry
He goes around school now with the other girl at lunch total disrepect to my dd but asked her twice last week to walk her home what a total prick thankfully she said no They do alot of same activities my dd the boy and his new girl The one they had today was just him and my dd with other friends he came over I was out last nite with a friend (new girl) and we done this as if my dd gave a damn she just walked off and done her dancing he keeps msg her on snapchat she tries not to msg him back but doesnt want to fall out
He should have just finished with her before he posted the photos he has complete new set of friends as old ones dont like the new girl as they where all friends with my dd Thankgod she has so many good friends
The best thing for your dd is to go out with someone else and forget him shes only young enjoy her life without jealous and crap

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