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AIBU to ground 14 nearly 15yr old ds

(32 Posts)
bliey Sat 26-Jan-19 11:05:23

Just after some advice.
Apparently I'm treating him like a baby!
Ds 14, 15 in may told me he was going out with friends, fine he was only 15-20 mins away.
I found out he'd lied and actually gone to a shopping centre that's about an hour away, 2 tram rides and he would have to change trams in town centre at which on a Friday night will be full of drunken people!
I've told him before he's not to go to this shopping centre so late (6.30) spend a few hours there and get back at 10.40pm when he knows he as to be in at 10pm when he as no school.
Am I being unreasonable for grounding him due to lying and going to the shopping centre at night and coming home at 10.40?

OP’s posts: |
NC4Now Sat 26-Jan-19 11:07:09

Due to the lying yes, but I’m not sure about the shopping centre. It would depend who he was going with etc. Do you let him go in the day?

merrybloominchristmas Sat 26-Jan-19 11:07:43

not unreasonaable AT ALL.
he's 14 not 18.

once he's an adult he can make his own decisions about where ho goes and what he does, until then it's your job to keep him safe.

he lied too which would mean extra grounding time from me.

TulipsInbloom1 Sat 26-Jan-19 11:08:43

Grounding for lying - fine.

But maybe you ought to look at why he was lying. Possibly he ought to be given fewer restrictions as he grows?

bliey Sat 26-Jan-19 11:13:40

He goes with 2-3 other friends who apparently don't have to be in till 11pm.
Yes I let him go in the day, when it's light. It's just the thought of being in the city centre at night that worries me. Maybe I'm being a little over protective!
The reason he lied is cos he knows I wouldn't have let him go other wise!

OP’s posts: |
bliey Sat 26-Jan-19 11:15:14

Also when he does go to the shopping centre he's never home for 10 like I ask him to. It's always 10.30-10.45.

OP’s posts: |
BrokenLink Sat 26-Jan-19 11:20:08

Maybe your son lied because he really wanted to go to that shopping centre and he knew you would not let him. Personally I would get into the habit of exploring with your son any risks involved in the activities he wants to do, and brainstorming how they could be made safer. I would be setting a boundary about what time he leaves the shopping centre and offering him and his friends a lift home, to make it easier to stick to the boundary.

merrybloominchristmas Sat 26-Jan-19 11:20:44

you are NOT being unreasonable!
14 year olds should not be in a city centre alone at night! and as for out at 11pm, unattended on a school night?????

And before anyone asks-yes i do have teenagers, 15 and 18 and for me this would be a huge no

ragged Sat 26-Jan-19 11:22:05

How long are you grounding him for?
What doe they do at the shopping centre that makes it so attractive to be there?

merrybloominchristmas Sat 26-Jan-19 11:22:50

is it the trafford centre? i ask because you mention trams....

housewifeoflittleitaly Sat 26-Jan-19 11:25:05

Totally agree with you, as parents we need to stop bending to everyone else’s ideas of what’s ok & do what’s right for our own kids. I wouldn’t allow my child to do this either, she’s also 14.

bliey Sat 26-Jan-19 11:30:07

No it's meadowhall.
They sometimes go to the cinema, for food or just to "hangout" meets girls I think.

I wouldn't mind if it was summertime and light nights and he was in the house for 10pm when he doesn't have school.

BUT the dark nights and all the stories you hear of muggings and stabbings in town centres really worried me!

OP’s posts: |
merrybloominchristmas Sat 26-Jan-19 11:33:18

you're right
and apart from anything else, he should be in bed on a school night at 11pm

the thing is , if we let them do whatever they want at 14-what's to come as they get older?
Growing up is meant to come in increments -there should be something to look forward to about getting a bit older

bliey Sat 26-Jan-19 11:36:16

On a school night he's always in around 9pm and in bed for 10pm. This is on a Friday/Saturday he does this.

I wouldn't mind if he went straight from school on a Friday and was back home for 9-10pm or even in the day time on a Saturday/Sunday.

OP’s posts: |
MilkItTilITurnItIntoCheese Sat 26-Jan-19 12:11:33

I have a 14 year old. No way they'd be allowed out at that time of night no matter where. Absolutely ground him. Then talk to him about why you feel its not safe.

NC4Now Sat 26-Jan-19 12:58:22

It’s just tricky if his friends are allowed out later. I agree with your timings, and I know Sheffield fairly well. But I would rather he came home with friends than came home alone.
If he gets in at 10.40 has he come back with friends? I’m guessing picking him up at 10 isn’t an option?

marns Sat 26-Jan-19 13:05:05

I think that you should relax about it a bit if he came home at 10.40 instead of 10 its not that long. 14/15 is that tricky age where you want more independence but your parents don't want it/trust you. I think you should allow him to be more independent like go to the town an hour away as long as he is sensible which it sounds like he was.

bliey Sat 26-Jan-19 13:17:28

He does come home with friends when he comes back at that time. He left earlier to be back for 10 it would mean him leaving alone, which I don't like the thought of either.
To be far when I've allowed him to go he does usually ring/text me to let him know he's in the tram and where he is then I usually pick him up from the tramstop which is around 10-15 mins away from our house.

I could pick him up at 10 but I'm 8 months pregnant and always in my pjs ready for bed at that time.
I suppose once or twice a week at weekends wouldn't hurt.

Thanks everyone for your advice

OP’s posts: |
ragged Sat 26-Jan-19 15:00:18

Since you're worried about muggers & dark nights, you don't want him leaving the mall alone. Sounds like you've found a good compromise.

Sproutingcorm Sat 26-Jan-19 15:14:50

I'd have a serious discussion with him about this, getting the message through that liberty depends on trust and he's dented that! I personally think YANBU and would impose a "consequence". It's good that he usually keeps in touch though, and you need to keep the communication going,
you do need to know where he is. Explain that you don't want to stop him having fun with his friends but that you are anxious about his safety and you need to be able to trust him. Lying isn't on.

I'd also be worried about what he's doing in the shopping centre once the shops are closed and presumably they're too young for pubs...idle hands and all of that!

bliey Sat 26-Jan-19 16:48:43

I think the obsession with the shopping centre is that it has an arcade, cinema and food outlet. Think it's just some where for them to hang around out of the cold and dark.

OP’s posts: |
Sproutingcorm Sat 26-Jan-19 16:54:03

Ah that doesn't sound too bad then Bliey ! smile.

Hope it all works out for the best and good luck with new baby too! Underneath all the tests, I think 15 yr olds do actually appreciate us keeping tabs on them, even though that's not always evident!

LakeIsle48 Sat 26-Jan-19 16:58:45

I'm not sure about grounding him. Maybe agree a reasonable time for him to come home. Would 11pm work on the weekends and earlier during school.

Keeping communication lines open with teenagers is crucial. You don't want to start off a war that you can't come back from.

It's not easy so go easy on yourself.

TheyBuiltThePyramids Sat 26-Jan-19 17:02:38

I have a 14 nearly 15yo dd and I wouldn't let her out anywhere to "hang out" at that time of night and make her own way home. Maybe I am far too over protective! She is allowed to go to local shopping centre (20 mins away) during the day/after school on her own. She's allowed into city centre for bowling or shopping (again during the day) but only if she's with friends. If she goes to cinema in the evening, I would either pick her up or ask her to be dropped home.

Mabelface Sat 26-Jan-19 17:06:05

I'd talk along the lines of if he proves you can trust him and comes home on time regularly for a specified amount of time, say a month, and is honest with you, you'll be more willing to look to compromise with him.

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