Daughter

[Lolka]

Hi everyone,
I need help from mums here.
I have problem with my daughter (17).
She left home a year ago and dropped college and now she has no friends and doesn't want to come home. We had so much problems in the past with social services but they found out that my DD was a liar and wanted freedom. Now she regrets it but still doesn't want to come back as she is saying she isnt a perfect daughter for us.
There is no sec I don't think of her.
We tried our best to bring her home, but she didn't want to.
We are a very strong, well educated family.
I have a son (13), Lovely boy, but my heart hurts as his sister left him even though she is saying she loves him.
I dont know what to do.
Please help x

[ReaganSomerset]

Didn't want to read and run. If all is as you say, it sounds to me like some form of mental health issue- depression perhaps? What does she mean by she's not the perfect daughter for you? Does she feel like she is a disappointment to you? Has something happened to her or has she done something that she thinks makes her somehow less than?

If you can afford it, I'd be renting her a small place to live and making sure she is OK if she won't come back. Keep her off the street at least. Go to see her and just keep reassuring her that you love her no matter what she has done and just want her safe and happy.

[Lolka]

Thank you so much for replying.
Yeah she feels that she let us down. She was a gd girl until she meet a friend of hers in year 11 and things started to go down hill. We had high expectations for her and she had potential to do really well. She went 6 form, apprenticeship, college (for the 2 year period) and she dropped all of these. Started stealing in shops even tho she had sufficient money with her. Brought lots of friends in my house without permission and made a mess, Drunk alcohol, smoked weed (she still is doing it). It came to a point that we as parents had enough of all these. We told her off and grounded her. That night she called police claiming that we hit her. Took my hubby in police station (after having a long day at work) he spent the night in there. She has told lots of lies, especially about her dad. Police found out that all these weren't true. But social workers believed her and "supported" her until they started to believe us as my DD done all these to have extreme freedom. My son was telling them that she is telling lies. It took ages for them to listen to my son. My husband is really hurt and can't trust his daughter anymore. I feel for him, but same time I don't want to push my daughter away. Am torn apart :(

[ReaganSomerset]

I see what you mean, it's quite horrific of her to lie like that. Where is she living at the moment?

[Lolka]

Social services have provided her with accommodation until she turns 18 in april,
THey are aware that she isn't working or going to college so just letting her doing nothing

[Firefliess]

Can you let her stay where she is but meet up with her regularly to rebuild a relationship? She and your DH may need a bit longer before they're comfortable being in the same house, but her living away needn't mean no relationship with you. Does she want to return to study? If not, can you help her look for jobs she might like?

You say you're an educated family so it might help her if you can talk about other family members or friends who have got jobs without going to uni and done ok for themselves. She needs to know there isn't just one unachievable path in life that you'd find acceptable for her.

[ReaganSomerset]

Yes, I second what @Firefliess aid.

[Blessthekids]

Have no real advice but just wanted to offer my support. I think there is no quick fix unfortunately. I agree with the ideas given by @Firefliess, just be prepared to be very patient. Can social services help her access some sort of counselling? When your dh is ready, would he be willing to try joint counselling with her to discuss the past and how to move on from there.

Good luck OP

[Lolka]

Thank you all for replying and I appreciate it.
The thing is that as much as i want to help her, i cant. We come from a different country and live here about 20 years. The reason is that my DD has accused her father (my DH) saying "he did killed someone long time ago in our country and thats why am scared to go home".Bare that in mind that we have going back in our country often for holidays, we have bought house here, work and pay taxes here. How can someone get away so easy if you committed a crime like this? Plus she was 16 at that time when she said it, and she is claiming that this story has happened long time ago? How come you can believe a child that she wasn't even born then?
Anyway the police (both contries) made a check on my DH (hard working man) and found nothing, and they never will as this is a big lie just so my daughter can have a free accommodation and freedom. Dispite all these accusations against my hubby, he still tried to bring his daughter back home, willing to forgive her, but she didn't want to come back yet. So thats why my DH dont want to deal with her anymore. Honestly my dh and dd had a better relationship between them than she had with me, i mean we argued sometimes as mother-daughter do, but not with her dad.
Social workers gave so much power in her hand (16 years old) and she took advantages of it.
Anyway social services have offered her counselling but she refused. They haven't worked hard anough with her. I cant betray my DH but as a mother I feel the need to sort this situation but both my DH and my DD cant sort it out.
I don't know what to do?
I have given my dd lots of advices for everything but she wont take them on board. We always went holidays as family often, she was attending some parties, going cinemas, shopping, all these with her friends. And now for her to do this, was cruel.
There is no morning and evening that I don't cry.
Thank you x

[Bekabeech]

I suggest you seek some help for yourself.

It's an awful situation but no one can make her come home, and actually until she sorts herself out it's probably better that she doesn't.
You can offer her a chance to come home anytime (if her father and brother agree with that). You can offer her support. And crucially you can advocate for her so SS do not just wash their hands of her when she is 18.

I would suggest Family Counselling either involving or not involving her.
Either there has been a trauma (that you may not know about) in her past or she has a mental health issue, and whatever it is it needs to be dealt with. But she needs to seek help.
Don't give her advice but listen and at the most guide her to professionals.