Unrealistic teen girl

[Verbena37]

Hi,
Dd (almost17), has always been treated with respect from us, taught right from wrong, given our love and attention, yet she thinks she can regularly ask for things and if we decline, she goes into a hissy fit.

She doesn’t seem to understand that you don’t have to have a large birthday celebration for every single birthday. She simply says she will be having a large group of friends to do some kind of celebrating every year. We paid for her and a friend to have a spa day last year and I guess she will be wanting to do something for her 18th next year. I just don’t understand where all of this want comes from.

We are ok financially but never spoilt her, just because. She doesn’t have a job any more and won’t give up her dancing on Saturday mornings...meaning there are very few Saturday jobs she can do.

She suffers with quite serious social anxiety so we have said ok to no job at the moment with her focussing on her A Levels, as long as she doesn’t take the pee asking for stuff.

I tried to chat to her about degree courses today and she seems to think she can do a 3 or 4 Yr degree, followed by another 2 Yr course at college to get further quals! She just seems out of touch with reality but when I try to talk to her about it all, she gets really snippy and yells at me.

In addition, I mentioned her having more responsibility at home as she does very little to help me. She replied that because I don’t currently work, everything in the house is my job!
She doesn’t bring her washing down, doesn’t ever off to hoover, dust, clean her own en suite etc. She will bring her cups down if I ask her....but only when she is next coming down.

At her age, I helped bring in shopping for my mum, did ironing if the basket was full, made my bed,fed the pets, hoovered, dusted if asked etc.
She just seem to want to live in the real world.

Any advice on how I can get her to talk calmly about it all. Can anyone recommend any good books either she or I could read? I want her to be helpful and kind, not a lazy little monkey who thinks she is immune to normality."

[moomoogalicious]

We paid for her and a friend to have a spa day last year and I guess she will be wanting to do something for her 18th next year. I just don’t understand where all of this want comes from

There's your answer

[Verbena37]

doesn’t seem to want to live in the real world

[Verbena37]

moom...how do you mean? We did a spa day with her a one friend. I went with my sister and friend too.
Celebrating your 16th is the norm is it not?

[Livedandlearned]

I found Get out of my life, but first can you take me and Alex into town a useful book. Also someone on here recommended Divas and loudspeakers to me.

[Holidayshopping]

Say no.

[Finfintytint]

I'd stop paying for the dancing and let her work out what give and take means.

[ShalomJackie]

Stop doing her washing, room, cleaning her en suite etc . Hold fast - do not give in.

As she does not have a job make any allowance dependent upon chores! Evenif no formal allowance but you hand over cash for going out make that dependent on doing the dishwasher etc!
I don't understand the point about degree and post grad qualifications though. There is student finance available and depending on what post grad finance or sponsorship. Encourage her to fulfill whatever education she wants to pursue or she will feel you are being unsupportive. Support her aspirations and she may feel noreninclined to pull her weight.

[ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn]

I’d stop funding wants, until she screws the nut and realises that you deserve to be treated with respect!

She replied that because I don’t currently work, everything in the house is my job!

I wouldn’t have dared said that to my mother, she’d have dropped me where I stood for such sneering contemptuous disrespect.

Not that I’m advocating that of course, but I sure as shite wouldn’t be picking up after her, doing laundry, cooking or facilitating and certainly wouldn’t be putting my hand in my pocket until she pulled her socks up!

[Verbena37]

livedandlearned I will look at getting that book.

It’s tricky. Her anxiety is so bad she is having counselling so that isn’t made up.
Her dancing only costs £6 an hour so that’s not expensive. I can’t simply stop taking her as it involved me and another mum sharing lifts.

DH does spoil her and doesn’t say no as much as he should. Perhaps it’s him I need to work on

[moomoogalicious]

Not always. You can always say no. My dd also has social anxiety (and asc) and realises if she wants more stuff she has to get a saturday job. What do you do when she doesnt bring her washing down? In this house it means you don't have clean clothes! From your op it sounds like you're facilitating her - i get that teens are awkward, i have 3, but you need to show them that not everything is handed to them on a plate

[moomoogalicious]

Her dancing only costs £6 an hour so that’s not expensive. I can’t simply stop taking her as it involved me and another mum sharing lifts

Yes you can if she's being rude to you!

[Clutterbugsmum]

Start putting your foot down, you are going have to teach her natural consequences of her actions. She does bring her dirty clothes down they don't get washed. When she runs out she have to wash them it's the only way she will learn.

She has a hissy fit because you won't do a big birthday this year, tell her she won't be getting one next year if she continues behaving like a 2 year old.

She suffers with quite serious social anxiety so we have said ok to no job at the moment with her focusing on her A Levels, as long as she doesn’t take the pee asking for stuff. But she can still do her dancing and have a large friends to things with. But you are frighten to upset incase her social anxiety get worse.

Spell it out to her you can afford to pay for her to go university for up to 6 years. So while you will help she is going have to get a job to pay towards the costs.

[Verbena37]

shalomjackie sorry, I didn’t word the uni courses thing very well.
I just meant that she hasn’t thought about university loans/debts, and is unwilling to talk calmly about her options. We do support her education totally and she knows that. She just seems quite immature and living in a fantasy world about how life as a grown up works and has a hissy fit if we try chatting to her about it.

[TherightsideofHERstory]

Another vote for Get out of my life, but first can you take me and Alex into town here. Found it very useful, DS was similar, he is a totally different lad now at 24

[ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn]

She just seems quite immature and living in a fantasy world about how life as a grown up works and has a hissy fit if we try chatting to her about it.

Better she gets a dose of reality at home, supported by her parents, with time to learn the lessons, than when she’s left home and doesn’t have that immediately available support.

[ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn]

By that I mean in the same house, not that you wouldn’t support her after she’d left home! Sorry I wrote that badly.

[Verbena37]

All really good ideas.
Thanks everyone.
I will start by refusing to do her washing/giving her spending money etc unless she helps more.

[Finfintytint]

And make sure you and DH put up a united front.

[Verbena37]

Just to check....is that book for parents only do you think it would have the desired if I gave it to her to read after?
I’ve bought it.

[tinesltitties]

I'm not sure what's wrong with a teenager wanting to do something to celebrate their 18th birthday.

Fair enough she needs to do a bit more at home, but apart from that? Any see much wrong tbh.

[Yearofthemum]

DS has been known to say that something WILL happen, after I've said no for good reason. He knows really that no means no: he's just saving face. Provide your explanation and stick to your guns.

Also, even at this age , consequences work. In our house the internet has been switched off before now if helping out proves too challenging for some, not that it happens much any more.

I think you should think about how you can support her with the social anxiety though. Could she have a few friends/small crowd round for a pizza and a film? Mine do that sometimes, and it's a good compromise and pretty cheap with Aldii pizza.

[Livedandlearned]

The book has loads of tips on how the teenage brain is developing and so explains patterns of behaviour and coping mechanisms. I think if you want to share a book with dd then have a Google but keep this one for yourself. She might read ahead and try to deflect your attempts at regaining control of the reins so to speak.

[Adviceandguidanceneeded]

My DD is exactly the same to the point I dread her talking to me as every conversation becomes grabby and "poor me everyone else has x y z" and escalates into crying and hysteria!

I have no idea why as I'm not well off at all and stick to my guns so it's never actually worked for her but she is relentless.

I think Instagram has a lot to answer for and she idolises all those Barbie looking insta stars.

Some of her friends got the most over indulgent 18th presents I've ever heard of , brand new very expensive cars, LV bags, louboution shoes etc so whatever she gets from me will be a bitter disappointment .

[Verbena37]

Good point lvedand learned. She would defo try and deflect my control attempts.
adviceandguidance yes they sound similar. For my dd though, it’s not all about things. She seems to know that they won’t make her happy. It’s more like she will say “I hate living in this old people town” or “there is nothing exciting going on in my life” or why would I want to go to a boring holiday house in the U.K.? You can’t go on holiday in the U.K.! That’s not a holiday”. Nothing makes her happy...except her pets.
She sounds depressed I think.

The thing is, if we took her on an amazing holiday to America or the Bahamas etc, she would love it whilst there and then be utterly depressed once back in the U.K.
Her father and I are not exciting people and she tells us that all the time. I really don’t know how we have produced this type of child who is in constant need of spreading her wings....well before she is an adult!

[W0rriedMum]

She's still so young, plenty of time to sort this out!
You and your DH must be much less accommodating and willing to tip toe around her. Start making plans for Saturday mornings so she has to pack and get herself to dance class, don't do her laundry to any decent timetable but show her the washing machine. When she mentions the post grad qualifications, just say "Sounds good. Check you can get the loans to cover".
Equally do some good stuff with her - join a cheap gym together, e.g. Pure gym (£20/month) or start water aerobics together - something fun where you don't end up talking!!

I'm not surprised she's a bit depressed. She needs to grow up a bit and needs space to do it. You sound like fab parents but start treating her like a grown-up.