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My teenage sons are depressed because of me

(12 Posts)
Roqueen Sun 16-Dec-18 14:08:35

My 18 yr old twin sons gang up on me and tell me I ruined their childhood by moving out of London when they were 9. Then I ruined it again when they were 12 by moving out in the sticks to a bigger house. They say they will never be able to be happy, I took away all the fun from.their teenage years by keeping them away from.their peers and I have given them social anxiety. They shout and hurt me with vicious cruel words. I know it's a lot to do with their dad dying 2 and quarter years ago, but I have to live with it. I feel worthless and suicidal, my 15 year old daughter is what keeps me going. The boys hate me so much and I cannot win against them. I'm so depressed and feel such a failure. I wasn't with their dad, but they saw him a lot. Money is such and issue now and I'm lonely, plus my job is stressful. I'm at my wits end

Snowwontbelong Sun 16-Dec-18 14:17:09

Time to send them on their way imo. ...
Ungrateful sods.

pinkyredrose Sun 16-Dec-18 14:19:16

Tell them to fuck off and get thier own place if they're so unhappy. Or look into counselling for them.

JustDanceAddict Sun 16-Dec-18 14:54:10

Moving is a massive thing for teens, coupled with the loss of their dad it’s not surprising they’re struggling tbh. Obviously they are trying to make you feel guilty, which they shouldn’t, but their feelings are valid.
Did you really take them away from their friends, or is that their perception? Did they not bond with their peers in the new schools?
We moved when my two DC were in the tail end of primary/going into secondary and it def affected them emotionally. We only moved a mile down the road, they stayed at their schools and moved nearer some of their friends but still took a long time to adjust.

BigGreenOlives Sun 16-Dec-18 15:00:15

Not sure if this will help but my son (18) pretty much hates me & nothing has happened to him apart from being in the same house & going to school. I assume it’s developmental & he’ll either grow out of it or leave.

PickAChew Sun 16-Dec-18 15:17:48

Tell them they're welcome to save up and move back, themselves, but in the meantime they need to treat you with more respect and make the best of what they have.

corythatwas Mon 17-Dec-18 11:26:26

I would make the kind assumption that they are struggling with their father's death and genuinely anxious.

So make it clear that you understand they have had a rough time and that they are not happy where they live, but point out that this is not forever: that it is soon time for them to make their own life in a place where they want to be and that they absolutely do not need to remain who they are now.

I grew up in the back of beyond and tbh I thought it was a bit shit, but I moved away when I was 18, and after that have never lived in a place I didn't love.

Encourage them to think about the kind of life that would make them happy and start planning for that.

There are more ways than one to skin a cat: "never darken my doors again" is not the only way to show them that adults make their own happiness.

Aroundtheworldandback Mon 24-Dec-18 00:28:20

My 18yo ds also hates me; says he made his life a misery in year 11 because I tried to stop him gaming 24/7 when the school emailed me to say he wasn’t handing in work. When I asked him what he would have done in my position, he didn’t have an answer...

Aroundtheworldandback Mon 24-Dec-18 00:29:06

*should read I made his life a misery

TigerQuoll Thu 27-Dec-18 09:47:05

Give them 2 months notice to find jobs and move out - why should you be abused in your own home?

Find a counsellor or psychologist so you can heal and encourage them to as well - but they are adults and they'll have to decide this for themselves

diamondofdoom Thu 27-Dec-18 09:54:31

They're 18, they're adults and if you're so terrible, then tell them to get out. You don't need to accept that level of abuse and bad behaviour just because they're older. They can support themselves now. Ungrateful fuckers.

I understand losing a parent is horrible, but if they are still grieving and angry, they are taking it out on the wrong person. They're also old enough to seek out their own counselling if they are struggling with anxiety. It's not up to you to fix their lives when they're acting like that. You can support them without doing everything for them. They and they alone are the only ones that can make themselves feel better if they think you're the reason they are like this.

Oblomov18 Fri 28-Dec-18 14:26:11

This is not ok. Their lack of respect.

I grew up in a tiny village in Devon (as a pp said, it is pretty shit) and worked 3 jobs at 15 to save for a car. Passed my test ASAP at 17 and was OFF. Literally. Nightclubbing in Plymouth!! grin

They could have done the same. If they weren't so busy blaming you.

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