15 year old daughter(9 Posts)
My 25 year old is so rude to me it’s shocking. However I have betrayed her trust and she is devastated. A boy at school has distanced himself from her, they were previously very close. I text him to ask him why. She was very upset, she said I have ruined everything and that she was managing to get over this LISA of friendship by herself and now she is back to square one. She was bullied in middle school and I confronted the bully, she also mentioned this as a bad thing that has affected her life. I really don’t know what to do
Is she 15 or 25? If she is 15 then I think you need to stop interfering in her life (I’m not surprised she is devastated) and if she is 25 then you definitely need to back off altogether.
I think all you can do is apologise, promise that you won’t repeat or take any action against anything she tells you in future (unless she asks you to) and stick to it.
I am currently struggling a bit with my 13 year old son's attitude, but I vividly remember being 15 and I was involved with a rather unsavoury young man who my mother would have no doubt loved to text but she never did. I would have been mortified if she had done. I think you need to be there for her when things go pear shaped but certainly not get involved by texting them. 🤷🏼♀️
You need to sit down and talk, that's what you need to do.
Explain that you now understand that you made a bad mistake, you were still thinking of her as a little girl, and you now understand that this has made her life more difficult than it need have been.
For your own reference, this is as if you had had a misunderstanding at work and your mum, or your husband phoned in to lay into them: it would take a while to live that down with your colleagues- and pointing this out to your parent/spouse would not be a case of "attitude".
(15yos have a lot of attitude, but they need to learn the difference between attitude and legitimate grievances, and that won't be helped if we as parents treat everything we don't like as "attitude")
tell her that you want to avoid making that mistake again
tell her that while all the usual rules of behaviour still apply, you understand that you need to start communicating more as adults
tell her that from now on, you will not take steps behind her back unless you actually believe her life is in danger or she is putting somebody else in danger (and make it very clear that you do not anticipate either of those contingencies)
tell her that you will discuss it with her before you do anything in the future and that it is time you started working together
tell her that you may ask her what she wants you to do and that you will expect her to answer in a rational way but that you will listen
tell her that from now on she can tell you things in confidence and unless specifically instructed, you will assume that she is just blowing off steam
and then point out that though you are aware you made a mistake, her part of the being-treated-as-an-adult deal is to still treat you as an adult would if somebody lets them down: not by name-calling or door-slamming or any of the things that she has never seen you do (I hope) when an adult has let you down
Don't interfere with her relationships just be there when she needs you, my dd would not be very pleased if I meddled either so nose out is best
I can't believe you thought it was appropriate to do that !!!! You need to sit down and apologise to her, acknowledge that it wasn't your place to do that, and that you will think of her feelings and her privacy in future.
tbh looking back (18yo and 22yo) I am aware of so many situations where I am grateful that I just provided a listening ear at that age- because they knew so much more about the specific social rules/minefields/seriousness of the situation
and because they needed to learn from their own handling of a situation
Follow corythatwas brilliant advice is my opinion for what it’s worth.
Thanks I agree with all that’s been said. I have apologised and said it won’t ever happen again. I guess I can’t bkske her. I was concerned because she is very out there sexually looking very hot if you k ow what I mean and attracts a lot of attention.
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