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DD17 is pregnant-anyone else been through this?

(18 Posts)
bearfood Fri 14-Dec-18 22:43:25

My DD has recently found out she is pregnant. She is only just 17, just started an apprenticeship and driving lessons and I just feel it's all up in the air now. She wants to keep the baby and I've assured her I'm by her side whatever, bought her vitamins and worked out where the cot will go in her room but is it ok to feel a bit disappointed? She is my youngest dd, the older two are at uni/finished uni and working. I just wanted her to have some fun around her 18th birthday, not be looking after a baby.

ihatehoney Fri 14-Dec-18 22:52:08

Not been through it, sorry, but I'm 19 and she really needs to think about whether she can afford a child now and the years to come, if she will commit to feeds through the night, sacrifice a social life and always put her child first.

All my friends I knew that had babies younger (between ages 15-18) have never been able to do any of those things.

It's a huge change and I'd really encourage her to think about the whole thing- not just right now. Let her know she always has an out option and doesn't have to go through with this if she doesn't feel able.

Whatever happens I wish her the best and hope she does well whatever happens. 💐💐

Also get her on BC ASAP afterwards.

OnionsAreNotTheOnlyVeg Fri 14-Dec-18 22:54:58

It’s great that she knows you support her but goodness me of COURSE you can feel disappointed. I would be desperately disappointed for my dd if that happened (though I would do the same as you).

Solasum Fri 14-Dec-18 22:59:29

Poor you. And poor DD. A baby is a blessing, but she is so very young.

Is the dad likely to be involved at all?

BoebePhuffay Fri 14-Dec-18 23:00:57

I was a teen mum.

Of course it’s ok to feel disappointed. It’s natural. If I’m honest I was disappointed in myself when I got pregnant. I knew I was giving up so much. No idea quite how much but I knew it was a lot.

It’s great you’re supporting her, that stands her the best chance of making the best out of a bad situation. Family support is the difference between her being a capable and successful person as well as a teen mum and her floundering and never getting beyond the struggling teen (single?) mum stage. Your support is key here. She needs to know she can still achieve well in life and you will help her do that.

Justalittlebitfurther Fri 14-Dec-18 23:03:51

I got pregnant young and my eldest DD is about to be 18. It was tough, but also the best decision of my life and the making of me. I went to uni after I had her and have had a successful career. My DD and I grew up together. That said there was lots I missed out on and she needs to think it through carefully.

And yes you have every right to be disappointed. I would be devastated for them if it happened to my children as I know how difficult it would be. Just try not to put that on her. My Mum told me I’d ruined her life and that is difficult to forget. To reassure you though I might have missed out on the 18 year old fun but I more than make up for it now!

italiancortado Fri 14-Dec-18 23:07:06

I would gutted for mine. I would also be supportive like you OP.

It's not the end of the world; her life isn't going to go the way she or you anticipated, but she has many years ahead to achieve.

bakingcupcakes Fri 14-Dec-18 23:10:51

My best friend had her daughter at 18 where as I partied a lot and did a degree. When I had my son at 30, she was starting her degree. We've done it the opposite way round but I wouldn't say her way was the crap way of doing it in the long run. She got a mortgage before me as I drank all my money. Her daughter is nearly grown up now where as my son has just started primary school. I think it's swings and roundabouts whichever way you do it.

bearfood Fri 14-Dec-18 23:18:23

Thanks for all replies. Yes the dad is involved, they are in a very happy relationship and have always said they want kids together in a few years (he's 19). I've suggested they don't think about living together but he's welcome to stay here as much or as little as they want. Luckily he's lovely so at least I don't have to worry about my grandchild's (eek!) father being a twat.

I did go through their options with both of them and dd was of the opinion that if it came to a choice between their relationship or the baby she would choose the relationship. The bf said he was worried about his job being low paid and not having enough money. I then said take that out of the equation, do you want the baby? His answer was yes he does so that was that really. So as not to drip feed, dd's job is in childcare, she's amazing with kids. The only thing I feel a pang for is how much she wanted to be 18 and go out on the town...that life is no longer as easy as it should have been.

I will make sure she and this baby are happy and healthy.

BoebePhuffay Fri 14-Dec-18 23:23:40

So is there a chance she will be able to return to work and have her baby with her? Is it a nursery? That would be great.

MaderiaCycle Fri 14-Dec-18 23:30:21

It's not the end of the world, she should still learn to drive and do her apprenticeship - they will have to take into account her pregnancy - but it should still be okay. DD's bf sounds lovely and you sound like a great mum - and Granny to be! Good luck OP

dalmatianmad Fri 14-Dec-18 23:33:28

My dd was 17 when she found out she was pregnant (earlier on this year). I felt so sad about it all but she knew I would support her and help her in any way.
Took me about 9 weeks to get my head around it all then she had a miscarriage. I was so gutted and felt low in mood for ages. Just starting to feel ok again.

Your dd will be ok, she's probably scared and will need lots of support flowers

Procne Fri 14-Dec-18 23:36:14

Get her to think through all options, including termination, especially if your daughter sounds as if she is only considering the baby in the context of her relationship, which is unlikely to last, given their ages.

There’s a very eloquent 16 year old mother posting on the Ask Me Anything board, about a life she acknowledges is very difficult — get your daughter to read the thread.

SantaClauseMightWork Fri 14-Dec-18 23:42:21

Why can’t she learn to drive and do apprenticeships until baby isn’t here? She can then take a break. Sjeccan then take the break and get back to all of this. Like others have said, this is the making or breaking of her. You support can make that difference

HollySwift Fri 14-Dec-18 23:48:51

I was pregnant at 17, and had DS1 at 18. By 25 I had DS2 & 3 and DD. I’m married to their daddy, we have a lovely home, he has a good job and they have a lovely life.

However it was not brilliant when the older two were tiny. It was horrendous. We had no support, no money and a cold, mouldy house. It was grim.

I don’t recommend it, but I also wouldn’t change it for the world. We grew up quickly and learned a hell of a lot.

bearfood Fri 14-Dec-18 23:50:51

Sorry if I didn't make it clear...she will have finished the apprenticeship by the time baby comes and she is fully intending to pass her driving test beforehand too. It's not a nursery, she is a childminder's apprentice. She has lots of time to sort things out before baby arrives. I know their ages are against them in terms of longevity of the relationship but at this point they are so happy together I think the idea of that not being the case terrified her and she would have done whatever he wanted her to do. He was very clear at all times that it was dd's decision as he was not the one pregnant, which I admired him for tbh.

iLoveFoood Fri 14-Dec-18 23:53:36

There's time yet OP.

I got pregnant at 18 and straight away was excited and wanted to keep it.
Talk to her, ask does she not want to live her young years freely and go where she wants at the drop of a hat?

I had a termination after taking lots into account, and I'm delighted I did. My DP was very supportive and we both made the decision and are so happy to be able to be young, go wherever we want whenever we want and we look forward to meeting the baby in years to come when we are more financially emotionally ready!

The idea of the cute baby, nice pram etc is easy to jump to when you find out, but I think you should have a long chat with your daughter about her youth and all the possibilities that may not be so easy to her if a baby comes along.

irnbruforlife Sat 15-Dec-18 00:01:24

The ops dd has said she want to keep the baby. Its really disrespectful for posters to suggest the op should try and get her dd to reconsider and change her mind. Try to keep your disappointment to yourself and be happy and supportive to your dd.

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