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DD’s friend (12) says she is having regular sex

(76 Posts)
Funsize Wed 12-Dec-18 14:47:32

I have NC for this. Sorry this will be long.

DD (who is almost 13 and in Yr 8) has a friend at school who is pretty screwed up at the moment. She has been in quite a bit of trouble at school lately. She has got in a fight with another girl, has had the school confiscate her phone twice for using it in lessons and she has had some pretty big bust-ups with her parents of late (I have had her Mum have to come and pick her up from our house after school because she came without telling them when she was grounded). I don’t know her parents particularly well.

DD confided in me last week that she is really worried about her friend and she thinks she is completely out of control and acting dangerously. Apparently she says that she is having regular sex and that she lost her virginity Xmas last year, when she was 11. DD says that she is very graphic with the details. The friend doesn’t have a boyfriend and when DD asked who she is having sex with she says that it is with boys she meets at parties. Apparently she goes out to parties a lot (with another group of friends that DD doesn’t know and didn’t even know existed) and gets drunk. She says that she also goes up to London on the train and meets an older boy that she has sex with. There are a few other friends that also know and whenever they try and quiz her on details she is quite vague but is then very graphic when describing the sex. I am inclined to think that she lying but even that in itself is very worrying!

The friend is very volatile, manic one minute and then depressed and in tears the next. There have been quite a few parties in their year group of late and all the girls take it in turns to get ready round someone’s house. This girl always dresses highly provocatively and is wearing thongs and push-up bras, which I think is highly inappropriate at 12 years old. She is totally boy-crazy and obsesses about one boy after the other at school. Nobody knows who the boys are that she says she is having sex with. They don’t go to the same school, in fact DD doesn’t even know how old they are supposed to be. Friend has days when when she is texting DD on insta saying that she hates herself and that even her parents don’t love her and that she’d be better off dead. But then she’s manic and completely hyper the next 2 days. Friend says that she hates her parents and wishes that she didn’t have to leave with them.

I don’t know what to do. DD is so worried about her, enough to tell me about it. I am now obviously worried and don’t know if I should speak to the Mum about it? DD is petrified and begging me not to as her friend will hate her. But I’m so worried in case it’s all true and something happens to her friend. Really don’t know what to do for the best!!!

Funsize Wed 12-Dec-18 14:51:32

Forgot to say that as I understand it the parents don’t get on and might be getting divorced. Dad is away a lot with work but is very easy going and let’s her do whatever she wants and Mum is much more strict. They argue about how to deal with her behaviour a lot so there is lots of inconsistency between the patents, Dad says yes and Mum says no type thing.

BackWhenIWas4 Wed 12-Dec-18 14:51:48

What is the pastoral care like at the school? I think they are probably the people to tell. This girl needs some help, and her need outweighs your daughters fear that this could cause a falling out.

Bobbiepin Wed 12-Dec-18 14:53:41

Safeguarding at school, today. You can ask for your name to be kept out of it if you want but you must inform the school. Speak only to the safeguarding team.

MadameJosephine Wed 12-Dec-18 14:54:40

I’d give the nspcc a call for advice

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-exploitation/

MrsBartlettforthewin Wed 12-Dec-18 14:54:44

Raise it with school. Explain to your DD that you have to as her friend is putting herself in danger and you are worried about her.

Snowwontbelong Wed 12-Dec-18 15:00:57

When my dd confided in me her friend was being physically abused by her dps I rang the school. They took the matter out of my hands. They did say I may be asked to write a statement - I didn't have to in the end. Ss did visit the house. Her and dd drifted apart very quickly as per the friend's choice. Dd accepted I had no choice in my actions.
A girl is being abused op. You also need to make a phone call.

Funsize Wed 12-Dec-18 15:01:23

You think I should speak to the school rather than the Mum?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone Wed 12-Dec-18 15:07:52

Of course you need to contact professionals, be that the school or someone else.

Think really clearly, what is discussing this with her mum going to achieve? She probably already knows he daughter gets drunk, goes to parties and travels to London they are all pretty difficult things to hide over a prolonged period of time.

Please talk to someone in the position to help today, you've already known about this for a week please don't wait any longer.

AndThereSaw Wed 12-Dec-18 15:13:12

Yes OP. Speak to the School, not the Mum.

MartaHallard Wed 12-Dec-18 15:14:32

Most definitely the school and not the mum. You say the parents are already struggling. The school will take action and will know the proper people to refer to. don't just go to the form teacher or HoY. Say you need to speak to someone urgently about a safeguarding issue.

Has your dd had talks about good secrets and bad secrets? You could point out to her that this is an example of a bad secret which it's wrong to keep.

Funsize Wed 12-Dec-18 17:42:08

DD has now just told me that friend is now saying that her parents are going to Ibiza for Christmas and leaving her and her brother (14) on their own for 2 weeks. This sounds like total bullshit to me and makes me think the other stuff is too. But it’s not down to me to decide so I will be speaking to the school tomorrow.

JustDanceAddict Wed 12-Dec-18 18:55:22

Agree with others, raise it as safeguarding with school. They can refer on as necessary as whatever is going on it’s not good.,

NotANotMan Wed 12-Dec-18 19:00:08

Report it all to the school who will discuss it with social services

cdtaylornats Wed 12-Dec-18 22:01:47

It's a crime.

Phone the local police and tell them, as your DD is young ask if they can send a female PC in the evening to talk to you and your DD.

Russell19 Wed 12-Dec-18 22:06:21

May not all be true but seems odd. Can't your DD get the friend to talk to a trusted teacher about the situation as this may ruin their friendship. sad

MaisyPops Wed 12-Dec-18 22:07:16

I would speak to the safeguarding lead at school. They won't be able to tell you anything but they'll probably already have concerns flagged internally (possibly externally) as children who engage in risk taking behaviour usually give it away at school too.

Don't talk to mum at all about it. Put it this way (not to be extreme) but what if the child is experiencing harm at home, if home hear of other things then it could put the child at further risk.

marta raises a good point about good secrets and bad secrets. It's important for children to know that safety comes before secrecy.

Hezz Wed 12-Dec-18 22:09:46

Poor kid sounds v mixed up.

Ask for DSL at school and ask for it to be reported anonymously.

RangeRider Wed 12-Dec-18 22:09:49

Very unlikely to be true but tell the school as she obviously has issues that she needs help with. Kudos to your daughter for confiding in you - you've obviously done well there.

Littlebird88 Wed 12-Dec-18 22:12:25

I think it's unlikely to be complelty true but agree with others and speak to school.
Hope your daughter is ok after having to deal.with this

Cauliflowersqueeze Wed 12-Dec-18 22:13:30

Ask to speak to the school’s safeguarding officer. Leave it to him/her to unpick what is true and what is not. Even if it is all a pack of lies, it does need looking into - it’s not really normal for a child of that age to talk in such detail about things like this unless they have had some kind of exposure.

ASauvignonADay Wed 12-Dec-18 22:14:29

Ring the school tomorrow and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead. They will probably know a lot of this, but possibly not all!

ASauvignonADay Wed 12-Dec-18 22:17:44

* I think it's unlikely to be complelty true but agree with others and speak to school.*
We have a girl the same age at the moment who this account could be about. Absolutely likely to be true. Maybe some exaggeration or changed detail through Chinese whispers, but the level of risk taking is (sadly) not unheard of. Poor child

ASauvignonADay Wed 12-Dec-18 22:17:45

* I think it's unlikely to be complelty true but agree with others and speak to school.*
We have a girl the same age at the moment who this account could be about. Absolutely likely to be true. Maybe some exaggeration or changed detail through Chinese whispers, but the level of risk taking is (sadly) not unheard of. Poor child

MaisyPops Wed 12-Dec-18 22:19:38

ASauvignonADay
I agree. I can think of multiple students each year we are concerned about stories like this.
Some of what these children go through seems so far fetched to us with healthy, happy relationships.

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