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Assaulted and intimidated by teen

(24 Posts)
cacoa Mon 10-Dec-18 21:23:34

My teen (son 17yrs) just assaulted and intimidated me. I am single parent full time carer to him. I tried to tell him daily leaving stuff he just leaves expecting others to do. he refused to listen to me, swore and shouted walked off to his room on xbox. I went into his room told him off for walking away and being so rude. I took his phone off him for a few minutes and switched wifi off - so he knows who is paying what. He then started shouting at me followed me into kitchen, his elbow hit me in the face with elbow and pushed me to the floor. He is bigger and taller than. He swore at me lots then said if I do anything to him he will make sure he does ten times as bad back to me. I told him to move back to his other parent or somewhere else if he hates me so much (we have had issues for years since he was 13) and I would pay all expenses. he again came on me to try at me, thinking I would get him first, I back off to the other side and told him wifi would go on and leave the room. He then said he would call police on me and tell them I hit him first and he was acting in self defense. This is untrue. he has made a prisoner in my own house. I cannot trust him as he does not lock all doors/windows and no respect for anything.

Been via CAMS service a few years ago, no luck, as son refused to see counselor after a few times and never went to appointments. Any help advice appreciated. Do I need legal help?

cacoa Mon 10-Dec-18 21:25:26

apologies for poor spelling or grammar, still in a state of shock. tried to ring a local helpline for advice and they could not help me. I have no family or friend I can call for help.

Sarahjconnor Mon 10-Dec-18 21:28:49

Can his other parent come and get him?
Does he have special needs/MH issues?

Squeegle Mon 10-Dec-18 21:36:02

This is so awful. My DS is like this now, but he’s younger and I think the adhd medications are making him worse. Try the family lives website- it has got advice on violence and aggression. Boys are so awful if they have single mums.

cacoa Mon 10-Dec-18 21:37:56

He had had anger management help a few years ago, but did not follow through with the lessons, blaming the counselor for not "fixing" him. His other parent lives far away, several hours away and I have no means to contact them. But last year he started applying for schools in the area of his other parent, as he had made up some contact again after being rejected by them for years. But for some he reason he never moved near them despite being so serious with the school change which he initiated and managed himself.

BrokenLink Mon 10-Dec-18 21:38:20

I think.i would call 101 and ask for their advice. This is classed as domestic abuse and you need support. Look on the Women's Aid website for more information on domestic abuse if you are worried about involving the police.

cacoa Mon 10-Dec-18 21:39:38

Im a single dad, been his main carer for over 10 years. Just shows no matter if you are mother or father, problems exist.

ASauvignonADay Mon 10-Dec-18 21:40:32

I would also call 101

cacoa Mon 10-Dec-18 21:45:43

I rang the cams helpline, although they said they cannot help they said I should social care tomorrow who can offer help on self referral basis. Not worth doing any joint or single counselling - done this 2 years ago and son refused to talk with them when given his opportunity.

As he is 17 can I get him to move out? I am prepared to pay all his expenses for a bedsit etc.... He is just too much for me to live with and a liability. Even the family I have know this but don't know what to do either and surprised he did not move back to his mum's (last summer he spent a month with her and seemed happy).

I really don't want police involved, I heard they can over estimate a situation and son has already threatened if I do anything he will get back at me much more. I think he means what he says.

Squeegle Mon 10-Dec-18 21:48:53

You’re right it does just show. I always feel my DS is worse to me cos I’m a woman and he is physically bigger than me. I’m so sorry you are going through this. But it’s not uncommon, so get some support for yourself. If he is happier with his mum then get him there. My DS is turning me into someone I don’t want to be- I get where you are.

Squeegle Mon 10-Dec-18 21:49:28

I have asked for help from families first. They may help you

mineofuselessinformation Mon 10-Dec-18 21:51:57

Yes, call the police and let them come round and have a chat to him.
And tell him you'll do the same each and every time he offers violence to you. (He also needs to be made aware that repeated occurrences could result in a caution or conviction which would remain on his record for the rest of his life.)
Also make sure your boundaries are firm with him. So if you don't like him swearing at you (I wouldn't!) turn off the WiFi until the next day.
For a very difficult teen, I had a three stage system, for me it was rudeness at stage one - ask for an apology. If not received, move on to stage two.
Then swearing or refusal to do something when asked, removal of something valuable for 24 hrs, but still apology needed. (Again move to stage three if not compliant.)
Violence or any other unacceptable behaviour (mine was repeated door-slamming) meant removal of said item for a week.
You will probably need to think of your own three levels, and their consequences. (But try very hard to ignore the small stuff or you can just end up moaning all of the time which is not helpful at this point.)
I let my teen earn things back by being helpful, so they were rewarded for good behaviour (e.g. knock a day off punishment).
He needs to know about it in advance, and you need to stick to your guns, but he will get it in the end.
I did have a very difficult teen, btw, who is now a very loving and caring youngish adult.

pickingdaisies Mon 10-Dec-18 21:53:02

Just found this, some starting points for you at least.

BrokenLink Mon 10-Dec-18 22:13:59

It is still domestic abuse even if you are father and son. You are clearly afraid of him and this dynamic is harmful to you both. I think you may be surprised how helpful the police can be. But if you are afraid of repercussions, please look up services for male victims of domestic abuse. You deserve help and support and need professional advice on preventing the situation escalating.

cacoa Mon 10-Dec-18 22:17:19

phoning 101 for advice. thanks

pickingdaisies Tue 11-Dec-18 11:00:37

Wishing you the strength for today cacoa. It sounds like he needs to move out for both your sakes.

cacoa Tue 11-Dec-18 20:22:50

I have been referred to a charity who can help our situation and if need rehome my son in a hostel for few months, should he wish to do so. I am meeting them next week to discuss the situation.

DaedricLordSlayer Tue 11-Dec-18 20:30:58

cacoa flowers

sorry I have nothing more to add.
take care of yourself.

cacoa Wed 12-Dec-18 21:38:54

would others still give their teen a xmas present under situation? if don't give him anything he will fueled up with more anger, if I give him even a planned £100 gift is not enough for him these days.

BarbarianMum Wed 12-Dec-18 21:55:38

So they'll rehome if "he" wishes? What do you want to happen? I thonk you have 2 choices tbh. One is that you start involving the police and the other is that he moves out.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 12-Dec-18 22:00:35

He's still your son, and it sounds like you love him, so give him a present you can afford.
If he kicks off, call the police as previously advised.

cacoa Wed 12-Dec-18 22:08:23

He moved out in Sept for a month to his grandparents (I was a away on business for a week) it was good for us both. He clearly does not like me as he does not talk a word, made it clear he does not want me involved in his schooling (he did not want me to attend his parents evening). Blames anyone but himself is his attitude, takes no action himself except for playing xbox 247.
His grandparents tell me he has asked if he can move back with hem. As soon as he moves back I will change my house locks. He has refused to meet the family mediation/counsellor service (not social services) to talk about what he wants or his issues. They are going to preserve asking him a few more times.

Yes he is my son, I still do miss him and wish we could talk as mature friends. But that is unlikely to happen in the short term again, he is preoccupied with gaming/xbox as his life, and refuses to talk to me about anything, does nothing to help at home.

I am so busy with my own work and personal commitments and deadlines I really cannot afford mentally to be bogged down by such issues.

TigerQuoll Thu 13-Dec-18 03:56:18

If it were me, I would let him move to grandparents full-time and either explain to him, or write a letter, saying that when he's matured and ready to relate to you on an adult level, you'd love to have him back in your life. And that you still love him, but his behaviour means he can't be in your life right now. And ask your parents to give you some updates from time to time. Then try to remember how to enjoy your life!

tissuesosoft Thu 13-Dec-18 07:56:12

The thing with your son going to your parents- what will happen when they lay down the rules? Try to speak to him when he acts how he acts with you? Turns on them verbally and physically?

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