DD's friend has killed himself - how to help DD

[FreckledLeopard]

This has been a hideous year for DD. She's 17, in her last year of sixth form and has had so much upset over the last 12 months.

She got glandular fever in January and was bed bound for seven weeks, missing all school in that time. She then had a huge falling out with her friendship group over the summer, which, combined with slightly fragile mental health tipper her over the edge into depression and self harm. Her moods are still all over the place and then this evening she found out that a friend of hers, a boy who'd been at school in the year above and who she'd fallen for and briefly dated and spent many months chatting to has killed himself today.

DD is distraught. She'd messaged him last week saying she was worried about him after he posted a long, depressing post on Instagram. She's in her room sobbing.

I have no idea what to do to help. I didn't know him. All I can think about is the horror his parents are now going through. And I just don't want DD tor get worse than she is or think suicide is a viable option.

It's just blow after blow at the moment. I want to help her but don't know what to do. She's already seeing a private therapist weekly. Her tutor at school (head of year) is very good and looks out for her. I just wish I had a magic wand.

It's so, so sad.

[incallthebloodytime]

Oh I'm so sorry 💐 I think a big hug, allowing room to grieve and talk... perhaps helping find a card for the parents or a way to remember him privately if that's not appropriate yet... buy a plant in memory or donate to a charity in memory

Maybe offer her support if she wants to help with the funeral to find a way she can do that

I think talking lots is key... it's not her fault, she couldn't prevent it, talking about the impact (in time) it leaves on his family and friends etc

[FadedRed]

Make her a cup of tea or whatever she drinks and go gently in to give her a hug.
Ask her to tell you all about her friend, things they did, people they knew, place they went. Get her talking about him.
Tell her how sad you are for him, for his parents, and how sad you are for her to have this to deal with.
Tell her how much you love her, how there is nothing that could happen to her, nothing she could do or not do, that would change how much you love her. Nothing that couldn’t be sorted out or helped. That she never should feel so alone and sad that she couldn’t come to tell you and get your help and support. Nothing. Even if it were something that would make you feel angry or disappointed, you would still love her and help her.
You will find that her friends, and the school, will also help her through this time, at least that is what happened when a similar situation happened to my DC.
it’s awful for this to happen when they are so young and vulnerable, and so scary for you as parents. The only ‘good’ that can come from this is the opportunity to talk about the subject of suicide, which is usually taboo.

[FreckledLeopard]

I've dropped her at school - she's still crying. The Head of Year is great and has emailed and there's a counsellor at school today on hand.

I just worry so much as to how much resilience she has left in her. She's already depressed and it feels like another massive blow.

It's just horrifying seeing young people so depressed and suicidal and bleak.

[hilzilla]

I'd talk to your GP surgery urgently and get info on local support groups as quickly as possible, your daughter may need professional help to get through the awful traumas she's experienced. Don't underestimate how badly she may have been affected by all this, particularly suicide of a friend.

[FadedRed]

Yes, it’s heartbreaking, isn’t it?
Good that the school has got the support in place. You might find that her being in school with her friends helpful, group solidarity helps her not to feel so alone in her shock and grief.
Perhaps you could ring one of the support helplines while she is at school, there is one for loss from suicide, they might give you some tips on what to say/how to support her.

[Broken11Girl]

Oh, fuck. I am so sorry. Your poor DD, the poor lad.
Reassure her it's not her fault. There is only so much a friend can do, even as an adult, let alone at 17.
I am willing to bet that 'MH professionals' let him down. Perhaps other adults did too. Allow your DD to acknowledge this.
Be there to listen. Try to listen more than you talk.
Be vigilant, she may be more at risk rn.