DD (16) has had some real downs in the last, what, 8-10 years. In no particular order:
- good EOW contact from age 6-9 then XH and his (new) wife had their own child - her interest in the two existing children waned significantly after that
- XH is a weak, weak man. Essentially his missus tells him not to have contact with DD and he says 'ok love' (if DD had been an absolute cow or a nightmare child believe me, I'd hold my hands up to it, but that's not the case, she is a lovely, fun-loving girl with a very kind heart)
- she had a right old friendships upheaval about age 10-11 due to an agitating girl who shot established friendships out of the water - DD spent breaks and lunchtimes in a toilet cubicle for quite a while (teachers helped but you can't force children to include someone)
- she now never sees her dad except about once a year (if I thought that screaming, pleading, shouting, begging, explaining would help? I'd do it. But I've tried multiple approaches and I had to learn that no matter what I said, he's weak and nothing makes any difference at all
- there is a favourite female grandchild (in the view of XHs parents) - surprise surprise folks, it's not my DD. There are also more favoured male grandchildren too - DD is at the bottom of the pile
- whole family are in total denial that they have treated her differently, done anything wrong.... first pointed this out to them in 2012
- she feels like she has lost her family (including her dad and her half sister whom she loves very much and also hasn't seen for about a year)
She's now describing symptoms of depression to me 'tired body' ' can't think straight' 'find doing all sorts of things difficult, no motivation'.
The effects on her apart from the above have been:
- severe anxiety so bad that on a rare visit to a family member last autumn she was nearly vomiting with anxiety and absolutely miserable
- self esteem ripped to shreds
- perfectionism
- low self worth
- utter sadness that she has 'no friends' (she does but NO ONE invites her round to hang out or anything like that; she's on her own all the time
- totally misses her dad so badly but he can't be arsed to see her and I think she's afraid to say that to him as that could generate another rejection
- she cannot see a way forward or act - I've said about breaking down and journaling the issues / concerns into individual things but she can't even do that
- I've explained how important it is to do things that 'scare' you so you keep expanding your world, keep gaining confidence - her world has shrunk to school and her bedroom (and the occasional visit from her BF who's very nice - she just had a lovely weekend with him but here she is, 2 days after, and she's feeling low with no energy already so the visit didn't sustain her for very long.
A few months back I did get her online counselling for her anxiety after the vomiting episodes. She had three sessions then didn't have any more. I feel she's incredibly afraid to let her feelings and hurt out - I'm worried it could destroy her (sorry to sound so melodramatic, but I don't know how else to put it) but at the same time of course I know that this is what she needs to do really. She only did the counselling because it was over text - when I originally said look this is beyond me, you need to go and talk to someone and organised a face to face appointment, she just couldn't do it.
But I feel I have to 'force' her to go to therapy. I just don't know what else to do - I'm also afraid it will break her.
What's the best approach - private (I can pay if I absolutely have to), or thru school and CAMHS??
Has anyone else's DD been through anything like this that you were afraid the process could break them, but they came out the other side? What was key to it??