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My 15 year old says she is bisexual!

(71 Posts)
dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 17:37:51

So my daughter 15 tells me she is bisexual, I love her whatever she is, she's beautiful and intelligent and we are close, so I'm glad she's told me.

My question is from other parents, does she really know her sexuality at 15, is it maybe normal at that age to be confused. I just can't imagine her being with another female lol, it doesn't make any difference with how I feel toward her but I'm just wondering if teens go through this?

shapeshifter88 Tue 04-Dec-18 17:39:40

at what age did you know u fancied boys?
I'd say 15 is really late. I knew who I was attracted to from about age 10.

KnobOfStork Tue 04-Dec-18 17:43:02

I knew from about 11 that I wasn't "straight" I would agree it might be early if she was 5 but by 15 plenty of my friends were in same sex relationships, some of whom they're still with now.
I think some people will experiment, many well into adulthood, and that is also normal but doesn't mean that many don't know.

KonaMum Tue 04-Dec-18 17:44:03

She’s 15, not 5. She’s probably been having crushes for a good 5 years or so and whilst a bit of experimentation CAN be a phase, why is she any less likely to know she is bisexual than straight which you seem to imply is the default.

From personal experience, I was pretty sure I was bisexual when I was 12. I’m married to a man but have had relationships with people of both sexes. I don’t really identify as any particular sexuality, I like what I like. Some lesbian friends have been through bi curious phases as have some straight friends. It’s impossible to tell if it will last but at the end of the day does it really matter? Sexuality is probably a spectrum rather than a set of distinct points anyway.

Soontobe60 Tue 04-Dec-18 17:45:11

Perfectly normal, I would say!

dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 19:20:09

Not sure when implied being bisexual or indeed any sexuality is a default hmm. I honestly don't care what sexuality she is, she's still the same person, I'm really just asking do you know for sure at 15. I'm trying to think back I do remember being confused, I didn't fancy girls but I dunno I do remember experimenting i wasn't completely clear about things till I was an adult really !

MoseShrute Tue 04-Dec-18 19:23:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotANotMan Tue 04-Dec-18 19:24:20

Why wouldn't she know at 15??

I knew I fancied boys at 10. My DS definitely fancies girls and he's 10. Why wouldn't a 15 year old know who she fancies?

Branleuse Tue 04-Dec-18 19:25:28

I think her being bisexual now doesnt mean she will be bisexual at 40. You never know. She could be gay by then! Or of course she could end up with a bloke. I would imagine at 15 she certainly would have a sexuality though. Its not too young

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD Tue 04-Dec-18 19:27:27

Did you have any idea? I have lesbian relatives and it was always ‘known’ that they were gay. No one was surprised when they came out’.

If it’s a complete surprise to you then you are either not very observant, she’s been struggling to keep it hidden really well for a while, or she’s jumped onto the ‘interesting’ bandwagon.

empmalswa Tue 04-Dec-18 19:27:45

Do you know for sure at any age?

Lots of people end up in same/opposite sex relationships which goes against all their other relationships.

Angeladelight Tue 04-Dec-18 19:28:02

Please be kind to her. I had a similar conversation with my mum when I was 15 and she humiliated me. Ultimately, it she feels she is bisexual then that is how she feels. It’s not really something teens take lightly in terms of telling their parents. She may well feel differently once she has started having proper relationships but asking her how can she know for sure would come across as unsupportive and like you’re hoping she’ll turn out straight ( not saying that is the case but it’s delicate)

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD Tue 04-Dec-18 19:29:06

That’s fine - keep safe and don’t date via the internet’

TinselBee Tue 04-Dec-18 19:31:50

Even if you think she may be experimenting why should that matter? Let her experiment

I knew I didn't fancy just men or just women from about year 7. By age 14 I knew I certainly didn't see boys the same way as my friends did but also didn't really see sex in same way as majority of people around me.

I was never able to open up to my mum about my sexuality because I remember her questioning me about a "rumour" my younger DSis has been told at school about me kissing another girl. She claimed I was attention seeking and just experimenting.

Needless to say She never met any of my girlfriends.

Please just be supportive of your daughter right now as either experimenting or knowing your sexuality is a minority can be a difficult and confusing time.

It's great she felt able to open up to about her sexuality btw, shows she feels you will support her xx

TinselBee Tue 04-Dec-18 19:32:43

Good point made by empmalswa top

Oblomov18 Tue 04-Dec-18 19:33:12

Could be so many things:

Some people are definite. Some change and lean more to one than the other, in later life.
For others it's simply about the person, be that a male or female.
For others it really is a phase.
Or it really seriously could be the trend, that it's more cool to be anything but straight.

Does it really matter?
You don't know which of the above it is. Yet.

MamaDane Tue 04-Dec-18 19:37:23

Hello. It's nice that your daughter feels like she can trust you with something so personal.

I came out as bisexual when I was 16 and then as a lesbian a few years later. I had been attracted to girls for a long time but without actually realizing it.

I later realized why I was always staring at a certain girl in my class, why I always obsessed over female celebrities and never males, and why I never dreamt of getting married (as soon as I knew, I then dreamt of weddings and all that stuff) even though I always wanted to be a mum. Etc.

I was slow, so it took me a while to figure out who I was, but when I finally did at 16 within six months I had told my mum.

Now 10 years later, the best thing my mum ever did was to support me without any judgment.

15 isn't late or early in my opinion. She's going through puberty and realizing who she is attracted to.

dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 19:39:50

No it doesn't matter I just wanted to know what people think. She definitely just fancied boys at age 10,11,12,13 and 14 so it doesn't seem to always work like that! Of course I'm kind to her and supportive of her, why wouldn't I, nor do I care if she experiments just curious about the whole thing, I guess we will see!

eloliphant Tue 04-Dec-18 19:47:43

I knew from about 11 that I like girls too... 15 isn't too late and I don't really know why it's funny or why she's not bisexual because you " can't imagine her with a girl ".

bobstersmum Tue 04-Dec-18 19:53:32

My lovely step daughter told us a year ago when she was 12 almost 13 that she was bi. We just said we didn't care we loved her no matter what, and thanked her for being so honest. She is quite a closed book though really, she doesn't come and chat about people she fancies so it was a surprise that she told us. I however, wasn't surprised, I can't quite put my finger on it but I always had an idea (I've been her step mum since before she was 1)

dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 19:54:01

Ofgs elolipjant really!!!

dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 20:00:47

Aww bobstermum that's lovely, so glad she could come to you. See I think that's why it's shocked me a little, my dd was very much boys, boys boys and still is really. She does have a friend who is gay and she's very close to him, became involved in gay pride, got to know a lot of gay/bisexual individuals, so I'm wondering if that has influenced her or made her realise that was who she was. Like people say I don't suppose I will know for sure for a while yet

EvaHarknessRose Tue 04-Dec-18 20:00:51

I was kind of opposite to Mama, I had dated boys/men and then started to be obsessed by certain girls in my early twenties and came out as bi - but then I figured out that I more wanted to ‘BE them’ than date them, loved the female form but never felt that ‘in love’ feeling with girls and never pursued anything. Only clear to me that I was straight by my mid twenties though! I was also socialising with a group that revolved around a very charismatic woman who everyone within a 25 mile radius fell for (leaving everyone questioning their sexuality) so that might also have had an impact.

dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 20:01:46

Thanks for that Eva

Sunisshining5346 Tue 04-Dec-18 20:23:43

@dogsbodymum before this thread descends into chaos..

One thing is for sure, you obviously both have a very good relationship with each other, as she felt safe enough to come and tell you how she feels..a lot of teenagers wouldnt!

You have obviously done a fab job of raising your daughter ❤

Ozziewozzie Tue 04-Dec-18 20:29:20

To be fair, a few teens do ‘go through a phase’ of exploring. Many have different reasons, confusion, sense of belonging, acceptance, excitement or even rebellion in some cases.
What’s important is that your daughter feels comfortable with being who she is. The fact that you’re supportive is lovely, so the outcome is irrelevant. To your daughter it will feel real right now and that’s what matters to her, so working out if it’s permanent or a phase doesn’t really matter.

dogsbodymum Tue 04-Dec-18 21:02:15

Thank you sunisshining

Teladi Tue 04-Dec-18 21:07:43

Just accept her as she is now - maybe she will date girls, maybe she won't. I am bi and realised this about 15. I only really dated boys due to circumstance and have been with one since I was 19 (we have been together 15 years now, married for the last 10). I imagine that'll be it for me now but I would probably be interested in dating women if I was ever single.

Gingerninj Tue 04-Dec-18 21:25:00

DD told me last year, not long after turning 13 that she was bisexual. I of course supported her and made sure she knew it wouldn't change our relationship in any way. I understand where you're coming from, these thoughts did cross my mind too. She's never been one to talk about crushes and who she fancies to me at least but i had my suspicions. I was prepared that it could be a phase and that's totally fine, I mean she's just becoming a teenager and figuring herself out

AnneOfCleavage Wed 05-Dec-18 12:49:31

Maybe she is testing the waters to see your reaction. A lot of teens think it's cool to be anything other than straight so she could have said it for effect. She could also feel she's 100% gay so thought she'd start small by saying she's bi or she could actually be bi. Whichever way, you have proved you are open minded and a lovely DM.

My niece likes to shock / make outlandish remarks so when she said she was bi I was nonchalant and didn't make a deal out of it as she has made it clear she has boy crushes / boyfriends but if she was to be bi it's obv fine. I just know that she likes to be the centre of attention so think it was to shock so is you DD like that?

dogsbodymum Wed 05-Dec-18 14:24:04

Well it's always been a big deal to accept her gay friend and of course we all have, he gets bullied at school though, yes still in this day and age. He obviously has a lot of gay bi friends and it does seem cool for a girl to be bi, at her school anyway. So it could possibly be almost wanting to be or it could be that she's just finding herself. I didn't really react at all very much, I was just well I love you whatever, it's no big deal to me you know that and that was it. She mentions it now and again and that's it.

AmaryllisNightAndDay Wed 05-Dec-18 15:10:35

I'm glad she's told me.

Glad as in "you'd rather she told you than not", but not so glad as in "it's what you wanted to hear". grin

Anyway, what it would it mean to "really" know her sexuality? Plenty of people think they're heterosexual til they reach their 20s or later. She knows what her sexuality is right now, and as for where it's going next, that's for her to find out.

Looking for explanations is belittling, especially if it wouldn't occur to you for look for reasons why she had lots of close female friends and then suddenly got interested in boys at 15.

it does seem cool for a girl to be bi, at her school anyway

That stereotype of bisexuality being "cool" has been around for so many years it's got whiskers. It certainly wont be "cool" for everyone in her school, not by a long chalk. Whether she's bisexual or not she's chosen - or found - her people, who will let her be who she is. Be glad for that.

TigerTooth Thu 06-Dec-18 20:46:46

My friends daughter told her she was bi, and put it on social media!
She had one female non-sexual relationship (just kissing) and decided she wasn't. 2 boyfriends since and now living with 3rd boyfriend.

We can be straight and admire another woman as attractive - that can be confusing at 15.

Another female friend of mine had a relationship with another girl, for quite some time, they are both married to men with kids now - my friend is still bi and not faithful to her husband because of this, the other is straight and resentful of her female ex for discussing it as she sees it as a foolish phase and says she was influenced and manipulated by my friend.

That's my only experience 2/3 changed their minds! who knows?

dogsbodymum Thu 06-Dec-18 21:14:58

Thanks for sharing tiger, interesting hey!

Mistigri Thu 06-Dec-18 21:23:36

My daughter had a boyfriend at 15, she's now 17 and has a girlfriend. I know she thought about her sexuality a lot over that period. She describes herself as gay not bisexual.

I don't think sexuality is always fixed. I do think that gay/straight/bisexual are simple words for what can be much more complex human feelings and behaviours.

Sundance2741 Thu 06-Dec-18 23:25:07

I date knowing I was hetero to liking a boy when I was in nursery school because he was handsome and dark skinned! However as a teen I went to a girls school and definitely had crushes on girls.

Never had an actual sexual relationship with another woman but have had the fantasies.

It's not that straight forward for everyone. My dd told me she thought she was gay around 15 but hasn't mentioned it recently. She's not had a boyfriend or girlfriend yet.

SpoonBlender Thu 06-Dec-18 23:30:22

You know for sure what you want at 15, at 15. That may not stick for the rest of your life. I mentioned in another thread today how I used to be about 60% straight and now I'm more like 90%. Not that I've had any chance to experiment in 20 years with DP!

pinkunicorns18 Fri 07-Dec-18 06:45:16

dogsbodymum - not sure why people are being so harsh. You clear adore her and are very close! I beg to differ with lots of the posters. When I was 14/15 loads of girls in my class said they were bisexual and went through a phase of snogging each other etc. I think experimenting and jumping on the bandwagon can be totally normal at this age and does not necessarily mean they actually are bisexual or gay or transgender etc.

That said, for some they truly are bisexual and I guess it's just going to be time before you know if this is a phase or not.

Take care x

BurpAndRustle Fri 07-Dec-18 06:52:27

I knew when I was about 13 or 14. Knew I liked boys a little earlier than that- but that was probably because that was a socially sanctioned/approved feeling.

It took a little longer to realise I sometimes felt a similar way about some girls as I did about some boys, and what that meant. It just clicked in my head one day.

I’ve never been confused about it, just aware it’s safer to be open about it/pursue it in some settings rather than others.

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 06:59:20

dd1, aged 13, came out as gay abotu 6 months ago. She told me she has known for ages, and it was a huge relief to her to come out. (I'm still not sure why it was such a big deal, she knew we would be fine with it, my uncle is gay and married, and we see them often, so she knows the whole family would be fine with it too.)

Then recently dd2 told us she was bi.
She might be, but I am much more sceptical about that. I think there is a certain amount of trying to look cool and different like her big sister. But it doesn't actually matter does it?
As someone else has said, there is also a lot of hype around labels at school, and being bi, trans, agender, etc etc is very trendy.
I just smile and say the equivalent of 'that's nice dear' and wait and see what they will all be doing aged 20, as I think for a lot of them it is an experimental phase.

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 07:02:31

forgot to say, dd2 is 11, hence why I am a little more sceptical.

BurpAndRustle Fri 07-Dec-18 07:15:36

I hate that attitude Steppemum. It’s ok to be straight, or gay. But bi is just a myth to be cool. Or a phase.

Christ, I thought attitudes had moved on from the 90s/00s. But obviously not.

Have some imagination.

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 08:32:21


I don't know what you are reading into my post, but it wasn't what I had written!

I didn't say bi was a myth to be cool, I said that all the girls at the secondary school are throwing labels around left right and centre.
Some of them are saying they are gay one week and the next week straight.
Some are switching between genders on a weekly basis. It is currently, amongst that group, cool to identify as anything other than straight.

I think this is all part of their growing up and exploring who they are. As they work out who they are, some will be straight, some gay and some bi.

I am sceptical of dd2, not because I think being bi is a myth, but because at the moment, at her age, and with the current situation, I think she is jumping on a bandwagon. I wait to see where she lands in a few years. that could be any of them.

No suggestion in my post that being straight, gay or bi are not real options, just that the girls flit between them.

dogsbodymum Fri 07-Dec-18 14:24:06

I know what you are saying steppmum. Xx

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 07-Dec-18 15:56:31

I am sceptical of dd2, not because I think being bi is a myth, but because at the moment, at her age, and with the current situation, I think she is jumping on a bandwagon.

I'm sure you don't mean any harm but "jumping on a bandwagon" is very dismissive, about bisexuality as such and also about girls trying out different labels to explore the different aspects of who they are and what they really want. And of your younger DD.

all the girls at the secondary school ... It is currently, amongst that group, cool to identify as anything other than straight.

And that group is all the girls at the secondary school? Well, if you say so, maybe it's a small school with a uniform demographic and nearly every girl in the whole school has the same idea of cool. But you also said yourself, plenty of "that group" casually identify as straight at least some of time so heterosexuality can't be that uncool.

The fact that these different labels are even openly accessible for (some) youngsters to figure out what they want is an achievement. Whether the results please their mothers or not.

Back in his 80s activist days -- back when people talked about Boy George, bandwagons and confusion every time bisexuality was mentioned, so things have clearly changed a lot, no Boy George -- DH owned a T shirt with slogan "I'm bisexual, you're confused".

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 17:21:18

Oh ffs, some people are professionally offended.

As parent of an happily, openly gay 13 yo dd, and another one who is only 11 and saying currently she is bi, and having just posted:

I think this is all part of their growing up and exploring who they are. As they work out who they are, some will be straight, some gay and some bi.

So 2 dds who are comfortably and opening able to discuss this stuff, with me and dh, I am not sure why I am being accused of somehow being dismissive.

As in many areas of life, teens are exploring. As a parent of teens I spend a lot of time, nodding and saying the equivalent of 'yes dear' If you can't see that there is a dose of irony in that statement, then you either don't have teens or you are choosing to misinterpret. It isn't being dismissive of them, it is knowing that I will hear a huge range of opinions and thoughts from them over the next few years, and I spend a lot of time letting them express their current thoughts, knowing that they may change. Or not. And either way is fine.

Spanglyprincess1 Fri 07-Dec-18 17:26:22

I think 15 is old enough to know. I'd class myself as bi but with a preference for men. That being said one of my biggest crushes was on a female friend and I ahve dated women.
Just be supportive and reassure her it's fine and your just happy she is happy. In this day and age I don't think someone's sexuality matters , it's about finding a trusting loving relationship regardless often gender of your partner

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 17:30:39

and it isn't because she is saying she is bi that I suspect it may not be the last we hear, but because she is only 11, which is pretty young to be sure of anything relating to sexuality. But she may know for sure, and that will become apparent over time.

Omzlas Fri 07-Dec-18 17:31:18

I remember at 14/15 being convinced that I was bi

I went on to have a couple of BFs and then a GF. In hindsight I think I was very curious and I was able to explore that avenue

Now, even married, I'd probably identify as more pan than anything

I hate when this called a 'phase' though, really grinds my gears

I do love however that she's comfortable enough to speak to you about it. I have gone NC with my own egg donor (for various reasons) but I hope to be this close with my kids

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 07-Dec-18 18:15:00

Oh ffs, some people are professionally offended.

No, I don't make a living from being old and grumpy.

But I've spotted a gap in the slogan T shirt market.

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 07-Dec-18 18:16:07

another one who is only 11

Dripfeed much. The OP's DD is 15.

Echobelly Fri 07-Dec-18 18:24:09

I think some do and some don't. I do know a few girls who came out as loud and proud lesbians/bisexuals age 14 or 15 and turned out to not to be later (with acknowledgement that obviously you can be bi and be monogamous with someone of the opposite sex too!). But either way it's not a problem.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer Fri 07-Dec-18 18:33:43

My son came out as bi at 13, to me and his peers at least

He has always preferred boys and is in a relationship with a young man (22 to his19)

He now refers to himself as gay, but i think that's probably just a bit easier for him

I had a number of very well meaning friends who told me when he was 15/16 that it was a phase, or he was confused...

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 19:06:32

another one who is only 11

Dripfeed much. The OP's DD is 15.

No dripfeed, I said that right up front.

WishingIDidnot Fri 07-Dec-18 19:08:57

I had my first crush on a girl in primary school, age 10.

I understood I was bisexual from 12.

I didn't tell my mum till I was 30!

So at 15 you should be honoured.

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 07-Dec-18 19:28:23

No dripfeed, I said that right up front.

Oh, I'm sorry for missing that. It wouldn't have occurred to me to equate an 11 year old's awareness with a 15 year old's.

steppemum Fri 07-Dec-18 19:31:51

Oh, I'm sorry for missing that. It wouldn't have occurred to me to equate an 11 year old's awareness with a 15 year old's.

I didn't.
In my first post, I made the point that dd1 at 13 was already sure, (and therefore was no surprise that a15 yo was). And dd2 at 11 was talkin about it, but I was not convinced, due to age.

I then got lynched and the rest of my posts were defending myself.


I think I've had enough of this thread.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Sat 08-Dec-18 01:12:17

As someone else has said, there is also a lot of hype around labels at school, and being bi, trans, agender, etc etc is very trendy.

I'm sorry some posters are having a go at you because of the above statement. As another Mum of a teen (DD, 13), I agree that there definitely IS hype around labels at the moment. DD has talked to me about it and other parents (with teens at different schools) have told me they've heard the same from their kids.

I'm sure it's a passing trend, but it can't be easy for teens who really are bi or trans, when their peers are just pretending to be because it's "cool" at the moment.

Loftyswops988 Sat 08-Dec-18 11:41:30

i told my mum i fancied boys / had a boyfriend, but knew deep down i wasn't straight, but i wouldn't have told her til i was sure. Came out as bi at 18 but i would definitely say i identify as gay now. I wish i'd had the guts to tell my mum things before to be honest!

ballyhooback Sun 09-Dec-18 18:41:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ballyhooback Sun 09-Dec-18 18:51:45

p.s. I didn't want to sound like I was having a go at you OP though!! I just am soooo tired of all this promotion of self-obsession and self-importance about people's alternative "sexuality" that seems to infecting all of society. It wasn't directed at you!

Petalflowers Sun 09-Dec-18 20:57:46

My ds came out of gay a couple of months ago. It was a total shock. We had no inkling. He’s always been friendly with girls, and mentioned one a lot recently, making dh and I conclude he fancied her ( before the announcement).

Dogsbody - we had all the questions you that you had?

Stepmum- I agree with what you said. Teens these days are a lot more Gender fluid, and can be big one day, and straight the next. They seem a lot more comfortable with coming out, then in my generation.

Op - well done to you and other parents who’s dcs trusted them with this news,

ShalomJackie Sun 09-Dec-18 20:58:08

I did however wonder why you put "lol" in the original post OP?

dogsbodymum Sun 09-Dec-18 21:41:02

Thank you for your replies, I didn't actually see what you wrote ballyhoo it was taken off before I saw it.
Shalom I don't know why putting 'lol' is such a problem it doesn't mean anything, it's a delicate subject but some people just take offence by the slightest thing, I've ignored most but thank you for sharing your stories it really helps x

anniehm Sun 09-Dec-18 21:47:52

People do develop at different ages, whilst some people are drawn to one sex or the other as young teens, for others, including me I really wasn't interested until over 16, even then I think it was societal conditioning that led me to date rather than truly being bothered. My eldest dd is the same, she kind of likes men but really would rather just play computer games or drink wine with friends (younger dd is making up for it though!) so whilst yes she may be bi, she also may not have fully formed her sexuality yet, she could come down on either side.

GonzoFlyingProducts Tue 11-Dec-18 23:54:57

Human sexual behaviour - define 'normal'... I wouldn't dare try.

All you really need to know is that you have a good enough relationship with your teenage daughter that she came to you and told you something which is really, really big in her life. So well played you.

EvaReady Sat 15-Dec-18 21:40:13

Ds told me he was gay at 14 before he has no sexual experience that I know of - I told him that he should now feel defined by that - he can decide to be bisexual or straight...nothing is fixed. And who ever he decides to date should be someone that treats him well - their sex is not something that concerns us.

EvaReady Sat 15-Dec-18 21:41:17

he should not feel defined by that

Earlywalker Sat 15-Dec-18 22:16:51

For her to have told you, she’s probably pretty sure and at 15 you’re pretty sure of your sexuality.
It makes no difference, warn of groomers, condoms, online dating, birth control, abuse etc as you normally would when discussing sex
I think it’s a credit to you and your relationship that she’s told you.

Karenbrowny Fri 28-Dec-18 16:51:15

i think you should take her to church and rinse the devil out of her with our lord and saviour jesus christ. Amen

MumUnderTheMoon Sun 30-Dec-18 01:02:03

I think the labelling of sexuality is really antiquated so things can be confusing for young people because they are reaching sexual maturity in modern times when we still use old fashioned descriptors. Bi sexual is possibly the best term she has to use. And there are lots of them Eg I am a cis-gender, female, sometimes pansexual, sometimes asexual, celebrate. If your dd wants to use the term bisexual then go for it, embrace having a bisexual child go to pride with her. Maybe she'll not describe herself as bisexual one day but this won't be because she has "changed her mind" but because her understanding of who she loves and why will evolve.

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