This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
17yo, drugs and a toddler(3 Posts)
I've name changed for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts.
DSS(17) lives with us full time, no access with his father since he was very young. I'm his step-mum, married to his mum (gender is irrelevant but easier to state upfront to avoid any confusion). I have a 3yo DD, who DW is a legal parent to. I am not a legal parent to DSS.
DSS is a fairly typical teenage boy. Wasn't the best behaved at school and we did have to go in a few times but got good enough GCSEs and is now on a training course with a good career pathway.
We know he uses cannabis and have spoken to him several times about it. We've taken the approach that at his age, we can't stop him but have tried to educate him on potential dangers and how to try to be responsible in his use of it. Ground rules did include not being obviously stoned at home and not having any in the house (I know this is unlikely to be adhered to but I do at least expect that if he's got any he hides it well enough so that none of us, especially my DD would find it - I haven't told him that bit, but I am realistic to know that if he's got any spare after smoking/vaping it he's not going to throw it away).
Over a year ago, before we knew he was smoking it, we smelled it in his room. He said he was holding it for a friend (haha) and took it out and when he came back the smell was gone. Obviously we were suspicious of his story but gave him the benefit of the doubt as he was very into sport and fitness at the time and it seemed incongruous with his approach to health.
Around 8-10 months ago I smelled weed coming from his bedroom and when I opened the door the smell was strong and the windows were wide open. DW and I had strong words with him and I told him that he was never to smoke in the house again, especially with having a young child around. About a month ago, I again smelled it again (his door was shut and it was wafting down the stairs) and we told him it was his final chance and he'd have to leave as DD wasn't going to grow up in a house that stinks of weed.
Since then, we have had Social Services involvement, as DSS has been accused of something which we don't know about yet, but I was informed as DD is classed as 'at risk' because of the nature of the allegation. Neither SS or the police can tell us what the allegation is, DSS is adamant he has no clue what he could have done and is devastated and obviously very worried. From what we have been told, DW and I think he's probably innocent and even SS said it's very possible it's a malicious allegation, but we still have to take precautions re DD.
This morning I have gone into DSS's room to get the wash basket out of it and the room stinks of weed again. He left for work at 7.30am and hasn't been out since early evening last night. I can't decide whether it's lingering on his clothes, or whether there's a stash in there not properly sealed away, or if he's been smoking/vaping it overnight. It doesn't smell smoky in there.
I am furious with him, because clearly he hasn't taken the final warning last month seriously. I know he's worried about this accusation, but FFS we have social services and the police involved already and they could come around at any time to speak to him further.
DW doesn't know yet as she's still asleep (shift work) and I don't know how she's going to respond. My gut feeling is to follow through on the warning from last time and tell him he's got to leave. But I think that DW is just going to give him another talking to and tell him not to do it again, and say that given the circumstances we should give him one last chance. He does have family nearby he can stay at, but they don't know about the allegation and if he goes to stay there they'll have to be informed because of their kids being in the house.
I feel like he's royally taking the piss now and that not only has he disregarded what I said about never doing it again, about it being a really shitty thing to do around his little sister, but he's completely failed to understand the consequences if SS or the police had turned up last night or this morning to follow up on the accusation and his room smelled of weed. I also feel like if we give him one final final chance it won't mean anything and he'll just keep doing it.
Anyone got any advice?
Clothes smelling of weed in his wash basket, in his own room, aren’t going to affect your DD are they? The smell does linger.
It smells on the landing, and it was coming down the stairs the other times, through his shut door. I don't think it's acceptable for a small child to live in a house where the smell of weed is floating around.