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Can’t take much more right now teenager stuff

(28 Posts)
Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 04:18:13

To cut a long story short I sadly lost my mum to alcoholic liver failure and clearly that’s having a massive impact on my kids and me.

Today my daughter took it upon herself to go to school and tell the I kick and hit her.

No I’m not denying I smack my kids, itsnot a regular thing but there comes a time when they might be fighting and I have no choice but to resort to a smack before they seriously hurt each other. I never mark them and be lucky if they even have temporary redness and I don’t kick them.

She has also said that me and her dad get into physical fights when he’s drunk which is a load of crap (for want of a better word)

We did have a massive fight in September time (me and her dad) it was verbal not physical and I throw the remote at the wall missed and hit the tv probably wasn’t the best thing I’ve done but the kids wasn’t in the house so didn’t witness it. Clearly they asked what happened to the tv and I told them the truth.

I also occasionally throw his pillows down stairs maybe twice a year and tell him to sleep down there but frankly don’t think that’s a big deal.

Yes I don’t like the fact he gets drunk but that’s an issue I have stemming from my mum being an alcoholic (abusive one at that).

I get she’s angry and that she’s grieving and I’m the closest so I’m getting it. It’s a little more complicated as my oldest a few years back pulled the same stunt but she had attachment disorder and a borderline personality disorder.

My 15 year old knows full well how that effected me and how heart broken I was and at a guess that’s why she’s doing it as she’s angry and grieving and looking for someone to blame for my mother’s death but the fact is the only one that could change that outcome was my mum.

I’m now so stressed out as I already have anxiety and depression. I honestly felt like the teachers was interagating me and I can’t copy with all this right now as I’m trying to deal with my own grief.

Social services are coming Monday, I went doctors after going to school and he’s upped my meds and put me on a short course of diazepam.

I’m a nervous reck and really can’t deal with the whole SS thing right now.

OP’s posts: |
Isadora2007 Sat 17-Nov-18 04:21:09

With all due respect maybe you need some support and social services would perhaps be able to help. Stop seeing them as a threat and start seeing that your children are not living in a great environment and whatever reason your daughter has she is clearly crying out for help.

Just be honest and accept the help you can get and if that means cooperating with SS then so be it.

treaclesoda Sat 17-Nov-18 04:22:39

She's right to have told school. She needs help. The things you think aren't a big deal ARE a big deal. And it sounds like you need help as well.

CircleofWillis Sat 17-Nov-18 04:49:23

OP I think SS involvement will help all of you. You are all struggling and perhaps your husband shouldn’t be staying with you while he is coping with a problem with alcohol.
You do realise don’t you that the following isn’t healthy parenting
I have no choice but to resort to a smack before they seriously hurt each other. I never mark them and be lucky if they even have temporary redness and I don’t kick them.
and
We did have a massive fight in September time (me and her dad) it was verbal not physical and I throw the remote at the wall missed and hit the tv ... Clearly they asked what happened to the tv and I told them the truth.”

You are all struggling and dealing with a traumatic loss. Accept all the help you can get. SS are there to make your lives together better.

mumto2babyboys Sat 17-Nov-18 05:35:32

I thought it wasn't illegal to smack a child in England. Not saying it's right but obviously she has to parent them

Be very careful in telling social services that you smack them!!!

they might remove all the kids from your care

I've seen patients have their children removed because they are in hospital and have been unable to manage their diabetes.

I don't believe social services try to keep families together at all

I believe they do more harm than good.

Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:11:01

My husband doesn’t have an issue with alcohol. I have an issue with anyone that drinks because of my past and my mother being an alcoholic or should say was. The last time he even went out was about 7-8 weeks ago.

I haven’t smacked my kids for fighting in months it’s genuinely the last resort when they are going to seriously hurt each other.

OP’s posts: |
Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:16:03

It’s not illegal in England under section 58 of the children’s act. It’s illegal in Scotland and Wales (I live in England) I ended up having to ring the police on my eldest years ago when she was kicking me and screaming at me and they point blank told her that I could use reasonable punishment and smack her to stop her hurting me or one of the other children.

As I said I don’t take smacking likely it’s a last resort.

OP’s posts: |
Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:23:53

What have I said isn’t a big deal? The women a couple of doors down throw all her husbands stuff in the garden the other day do you think they need social services help as well.

Or the women across the street told her other half to F off.

Arguing is a normal part of life.

I think my daughter needs bereavement counselling even more so as one of her friends threw himself under a train a few months back.

OP’s posts: |
SummerGems Sat 17-Nov-18 06:26:29

Gf

SummerGems Sat 17-Nov-18 06:28:32

they might remove all the kids from your care that could be the best thing to happen in the circs.

WeeBeasties Sat 17-Nov-18 06:34:19

Nothing you have said rings as normal to me. And your daughter isn't lying, she's exaggerating. Please get help.

Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:36:42

I don’t see them as a threat and nowhere did I say they was but I see them as a pain in the backside. Last thing I need is SS and a million and one questions well I’m grieving I also know when to seek help as in I went to my doctor about 6 months ago with work related stress and anxiety and have been doing really well until my mum died and then I went back to my doctors as clearly her death from alcoholic liver failure is difficult to handle. Further more when my kids was off school last week because of my mum dying I spoke with the attendance officer and raised concerns about my daughter and that I felt she needed some kind of support and bereavement service, to which I was told it was far to early for that and to wait a few weeks.

If I needed SS I would ring them myself as I did with my eldest.

OP’s posts: |
MeVoila Sat 17-Nov-18 06:41:46

Your kids aren't "pulling a stunt" by telling authority figures about their experiences. Their home life is chaotic, unpredictable, sad and frightening.They are seeking help.

Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:42:55

Summer you might want to consider what you just said it’s no wonder people are scared of SS with comments like that.

Thankful I know how SS works as I have a number of social worker friends. I just don’t need to be dealing with them and all the box ticking rubbish they now have to do well im grieving.

OP’s posts: |
SummerGems Sat 17-Nov-18 06:43:39

You’re clearly not in a position to judge what you need. Your family life is chaos and the children are victims.

Your posts read like a script for the jeremy Kyle show.

blackcat86 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:47:57

I think that you're placing a lot of blame for what's happening on the death of your mother and on your children. Your daughter isn't the one who needs to change, her home environment needs to change as it sounds chaotic and at times violent (smacking, throwing things). OP this is simply unacceptable and what concerns me is that your putting yourself as the victim in all of this with a 'how could she do this to me approach'. Have you been given any information on BPD for your eldest? Of course with MH there is often a genetic component but people with BPD tend to come from abusive homes where they have not been taught the right strategies to deal with life and have been put under huge emotional strain - I say this as someone who's DH has BPD. You need to work with SS to change your parenting and outlook on your DCs drastically. I appreciate that you won't like I've said but as someone who works in social work I can tell you that you have so many red flags you could decorate a castle.

Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:49:07

What is chaotic about a couple having an argument when there children are not there? My daughter is lying because I’ve never kicked her.

In fact if you talk with my children’s teachers or frankly anyone that knows them. They will say they are generally well mannered, caring and balanced.

My 15 year oldin the last few years is going through a lot she lost a friend to the same health condition she has and another her killed himself and now my mums died.

I’m pretty sure given she’s in and out of hospital because of her health needs that someone would of noticed in the last 15 years if her home life was so bad.

OP’s posts: |
Devilishpyjamas Sat 17-Nov-18 06:50:30

Why was your eldest kicking and hitting you years ago to the point you had to ring the police? And is she still in the household? You said she had BPD and attachment issues? Where is she now?

It does sound a bit chaotic, which isn’t great for kids.

My eldest has severe autism, severe learning disabilities is non-verbal and began to show very distressed (physical) behaviours in his teens. He couldn’t/can’t help it, but it was still very damaging for his younger siblings to be around. I think it’s important to recognise that & be honest with SS about that (or they will think you are in denial).

It sounds as if there is quite a lot of drama in your house (& I mean that in a kindly way), what with your Mum and your eldest & things being thrown and TV’s breaking. All that drama adds up and really you need to be aiming for calm in a house. None of us manage completely calm houses but a life without repeated drama is usually a happier, healthier one. When you meet with SS (I really don’t think they’re going to be removing a 15 year old from a loving home btw) ask about agencies that could maybe help with getting things a bit calmer. That will vary depending on where you live but there may be bereavement counselling or some youth workers or family therapy? They are the people to ask.

Strugglingmum1980 Sat 17-Nov-18 06:55:35

Blackcat my eldest isn’t biologically my partners. So yes she didn’t have the best start in life hence the issues she has and is working through. But that goes back to when she was young and hence I know when to call SS in.

You have to remember you don’t know the whole picture and try not to jump to conclusions. So you can put those red flags away.

OP’s posts: |
Devilishpyjamas Sat 17-Nov-18 06:58:06

Ok and your dd’s health needs.

OP this is the definition of chaotic. My own home has been chaotic in the past because of ds1’s needs. Sometimes life makes things chaotic- but you have to then really step back and see what the kids require and how you can put in stability despite the chaos going on around you courtesy of life. Be reflective, not defensive.

And while I’m sure you are having an awful grieving process to go through, SS are there to look at the children. So if your grief gets in the way of being able to parent properly then they are more interested in that than how bad it is for you (again not meant judgementally - just how SS work).

OliviaBenson Sat 17-Nov-18 06:59:43

Op you need to listen to your daughter, not write off her concerns. It's a cry for help.

I was your daughter and I used to get so angry as it was the only way I could outlet my hatred and resentment for my home life. I was just written off too for having teen temper tantrums, but it was a direct response to my awful living conditions.

From what you describe her home life is chaotic. Arguing like that is not normal. You need to open your eyes here.

mumto2babyboys Sat 17-Nov-18 07:01:53

Be very careful what you tell a social worker

You should speak to the family rights group first if you can get through before they come out.

Explain the smack was a one off and you are happy to do a parenting course if they want you to

Potentially you are on a catch 22. You want help for your daughter which you should ask social worker for. Don't be surprised if they don't provide it. Or say they will and then months later still haven't done it.

You can go to you gp yourself and ask for a referral to chams for your daughter

Children's services could say you children are at high risk of physical abuse and remove them

Make sure your house and children's rooms are spotless

They frown on any smacking and the slightest thing you say wrong they will say you are emotionally abusing the children

They won't help you, I've seen this frequently and experienced it via my own dv.

They say to patients they just want to help because you can't cope. Next thing their children are placed with relatives/foster care because a mother was honest and told them she couldn't cope and that's why she took an overdose in one patients case.

Be very careful what you tell them.

Try and be positive and explain you are taking steps to manage your anxiety and steps to help your daughter

I would say very little about your husbands drinking

Probably not the usual advice on here but children's services are completely a law unto themselves.

They can change facts and wording and lose reports and accuse you of anything they want to and nothing ever happens because they are sanctioned by themselves. Complaints never go anywhere.

I experienced domestic violence and even though it happened while the children were asleep and very young babies. the social worker I had; insisted I couldn't take care of my own children because I hadn't protected them from domestic violence.

My case got closed with no further concerns but some of the accusations my social worker made were unbelievable.

Things such as I should leave my babies with ex husbands family and he can visit them there instead of using a contact centre.

No issue with him being violent and getting arrested and that he might hurt them, no she just basically treated me the victim as a failure and i complained. She Did absolutely nothing to help me. My complaint Went nowhere

I hadn't done anything wrong but according to social services being a victim of dv I had.

Try to speak to family rights group and write down all their advice

PenApple Sat 17-Nov-18 07:03:23

Sorry for your loss Struggling flowers

mumto2babyboys Sat 17-Nov-18 07:12:45

And also until your case in closed make sure there are no further incidents

Make sure your house is always clean

Try not to give them any reason to keep your case open

Get you gp to refer to chams as it takes weeks for an appointment.

I would honestly love to hear stories of social workers actually helping people but I haven't yet.

Will your daughter admit she lied? Teenagers do lie for attention and If so that would help your case so much

Could you try and explain to her that she needs to tell the truth and how social workers might take all of them away and that they will get separated. No foster home can take 4 children together.

Worst case scenario and I hope they see your daughter is lying but you could end up with a dodgy lying social worker and there are so many of them.

They get bursaries to train, it's an easy degree to get accepted into and if they mess up nothing ever happens to them.

Complaints go nowhere unless a newspaper exposes it. Even then the social worker who lied won't lose their job

Monty27 Sat 17-Nov-18 07:17:06

You sound awful.
Poor children. sad

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