Teenager breaking things in frustration

[9ofpentangles]

I have a 14 year old DD who breaks things in frustration. She shows little remorse just after but does apologise later. She admits she cannot control her temper and doesn't care in the heat of the moment. Any consequence delivered is not effective. No matter what I do, at some point in the future, she will do it again and we will have the same conversation. This week, it was her phone. Last week, it was her laptop. The phone had been replaced from a previous smash. The laptop is back from repair and, even though, ideally, she needs it for school, I am not rushing to give it back (she does have access to my old computer, though). She needs a phone, ideally, but I can't replace that either only for it to get broken. I feel I have to follow her around like a 4 year old. She has a 10 year old brother and I don't have to keep an eye on him.

She was assessed for ADHD, referred by a Clinician who was convinced she has it but it came back negative. WHat can I do?

[Mumof1andacat]

She might benefit from talking therapy like counselling. Are there any local youth charities in your area? Most are self referral so no need to see your gp

[HopeHopity]

Sorry OP
I was that teen and I still can't control my temper 😔 Well, I can but I get very upset then very tired.
I simply never learned.
Counselling and CBT help

[9ofpentangles]

There is a charity locally. I emailed 2 years ago but it has a waiting list. I'll try them again.

I was hoping to get cbt from CAMHS. It worked for her ocd but they've told me they're not the right organisation for this

[Squeegle]

My DS is like this. He does have adhd. Obviously I can’t say about your daughter but sounds like impulsivity is a problem and she needs some help. You could get in touch with add-Vance or the adhd foundation and ask for some guidance?

[BarbarianMum]

Some sort of counselling may help but, tbh, so would doung eithout the things she's breaking. Try not replacing the laptop. She can do homework at school or the library for a bit.

I have had lifelong trouble with my temper but I learnt not to take it out on my possessions very early on. Ds2 has inherited the same temper problem but after 1 broken Ipad has learnt to slam drawers, stamp around and shout instead (now we are working on this).

[BarbarianMum]

Oh and talking to a counsellor was very helpful for ds2 - he was quite scared of his temper. We paid privately as he wasnt serious enough to be seen on the NHS.

[9ofpentangles]

Yes, I am trying to hold out. She is already saying things like 'I could do this if I had a phone...' and it's getting a bit tit for tat because I just say 'well, you had a phone and you would still have one if you hadn't broken it.'

[BarbarianMum]

Maybe dont tit for that. Try sympathising instead. So rather than "well yes but you broke it" try "yes that's a real shame". Give her a very cheap, non smart phone for emergencies. She can have her proper phone back when she can afford to have it fixed.

[9ofpentangles]

I have a really cheap Nokia but she won't use it (uncool). I said she can borrow her friend's phone in an emergency or maybe the school office (I know the receptionist).

She could pay for a repair out of her account but she would have no qualms about breaking it again - even when it's her own money - as she has done this before. I just want her to realise it's not ok to break things especially when this frequent.

Even yesterday , she kicked my car door because her brother wouldn't get out and punched the wall because she grazed her arm on the door latch so I am st s loss as to how to teach her

[BarbarianMum]

Well it may be that counselling will help. I'd really suggest that you stick with the "she pays for replacing everything she breaks" in the meantime though. This is what's going to happen throughout her life if she can't get control of this and it may really help her to see the connection even if it takes her a few iterations.

[lizkt]

I think it's the OCD again, probably connected.

[BarbarianMum]

Sorry but to add: your role in this needs to be as supporter (I will help you gain control) rather than rescuer (I will sort out the mess you've made) because ultimately it will be down to her. That's true even if she does get diagnosed with something like adhd. Fwiw I found things calmed down a lot after puberty when my hormones settled down a bit so it may be that getting older will help too.

[lpchill]

Maybe see if there are any youth groups in your area. They can help talk about what she's feeling. Sometimes they are also attached to schools and do a health/wellbeing sessions after school.

Replace the phone with a cheap dumb phone. If she can't look after things properly then she gets cheap and crap stuff like old pc until she learns.

Start doing some mindfulness with her. Breathing techniques, grounding techniques will be a massive help.

[9ofpentangles]

She has always been slow to learn when it comes to cause and effect so she could be out a lot of money by the time the penny drops.

We did have a chat about the ocd yesterday but she says it's a lot better now.

I'm hoping she does calm down after puberty. I had a tendency to lose it at her age, too, but was scared about how my parents would react so it wasn't to the same extent and there wasn't the escalation of anger if I was punished. This is alien to me

[lizkt]

Hi again, my daughter show similar symptoms to yours and currently on a trial treatment for PANS/PANDAS. It might be worth a look at this illness.