DD 15 going out - how to stop worrying

[Keehar256]

My DD 15 is starting to want to go out with her friends, and be out in town in the evening (dark here by 5:30pm) She has a mate who has a car and is now going out with him and his mates.
She's good and comes back when I ask, and keeps in touch by text, but I'm freaking out at the thought of what they might get up to and whether he'll crash his car, and how the hell I'm going to cope as she gets older and stays out later and later and then goes to Uni and I won't know where she is or if she's OK.
I know I've got to let her go, trust her, not think of the worst, but I'm a bit of a worrier and maybe a bit of a control freak too... Worried I'll never sleep again !
How do Mums cope as their teens grow up and leave??
Any advice, coping strategies, or stories welcome!!

[BigusBumus]

Watching with interest as I have 2 teen boys (16 & 15) who go to parties and drink at them. I am terrified, especially of the future. They will be driving next year!!! Bloody hell.

I will also never sleep again. :-(

[ihatedrugs]

I too am finding it very hard. My dd14 is much more sociable than my ds was at her age and because she goes to a school about half an hour away, but goes to clubs in that town starting at 6pm, she has to 'hang around' between school and club. She goes to a friends house but I don't think straight away, so who knows where she is.

DS17 has said, however, that the will to do this seems to diminish as they get into sixth form as they are given more freedom etc so don't feel the need to push the boundaries so far.

I think by the time they go off to Uni we will be hardened to it and will sleep!

[pumpkinpie01]

It is worrying , I have been through this with my older boys and my DD is now 17. I can only suggest that you text them regularly asking where they are and tell them a time to be back. I didnt bother giving the lads a time when they got to 17 and I am getting more relaxed now with my daughter on timings. But at 15 I would expect updates and I would be very annoyed if I didnt get a response. There has to be a balance and it is hard getting it right - you dont want to be too controlling but also you have to have boundaries. Do you know the lads that are driving ? When my DD's bf passed his driving test I had a 'quiet word' with him about driving like an idiot.

[siakcaci]

I wouldn't be happy. She has a friend who drives (so at least 17) and is now hanging about with his friends (presumably of a similar age)

Does she not have friends her own age? I never worried about my DD going out at 15 as she was hanging about with kids from her year group. I wouldn't have been ok with her hanging out with 17 year olds in a car.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I agree that its not suitable for a 15 year old to be hanging out with a guy with a car. That is getting into the car . That was a total no for my dc. The first time my ds went in a car with his friend was 17 and l knew the friend well at that stage.
Also now the evenings are dark l would expect her home straight from school and allow her see friends on Sat afternoons. Its good to encourage them to bring friends home too at weekends .

[Keehar256]

She'll be 16 in a month and she goes to a 14-19 college (doing GCSEs in the summer) So there are 17 and 18 year olds there as well. She had a boyfriend in the summer who's 17, she met him through Explorer Scouts ( age range 14-18). So it's not like she's hanging around with people much older than her and it's not like she's 13...
She's pretty good at responding to texts and we are also connected on Life 360 so I can see where she is as she is never separated from her phone!
But I'm a bit of a worrier to say the least and imaging all sorts of terrible things happening to her, playing scenarios out in my head like little movies... missing for days.....dead in a ditch...police knocking on the door.... when I know that its incredibly unlikely anything like that will happen.
I don't have a problem with her going out although I would like it if she never ever left the house again without me she's sensible and I trust her not to drink, drugs etc. I know I've got to start letting her go, but I need to find ways to not lose my mind during the process of the next few years.

[Keehar256]

Any coping strategies out there for petrified parents ? 

[janisposh]

Mine would be not to have your 15yo hanging about with a 17yo mate and his friends in his car, but hey.

[Unicyclethief]

Oh ffs. All these people saying they wouldn’t let their 15 year olds hang out with 17 year olds. All that will achieve is teaching your children to be underhand and deceitful. I would prefer an open honest relationship with my kids. The op’s Daughter is almost 16 and her friend is a year older and can drive, that is completely normal people!
I am a worrier too OP, I actually find texting them can make it worse, because quite often they don’t answer quick enough and in those moments of silence my mind runs away with me. I found honesty the best policy, I told them that many of my fears may seem irrational but I could not help worrying about them as they were my babies. They are both away at university now and I worry far less, even though I know they probably get up to much more outrageous things! Plus my youngest started when she was only 17! What would the snarky PPs say about that..... thousands of miles away and up to no good 😂

[janisposh]

All these people saying they wouldn’t let their 15 year olds hang out with 17 year olds. All that will achieve is teaching your children to be underhand and deceitful. I would prefer an open honest relationship with my kids.

Having rules does not automatically mean they will become deceitful. It is entirely possible to have open and honest relationships with teenagers AND have some boundaries set.

[Unicyclethief]

Yep, but to not allow them in their friends car? How would you know? Really?

[janisposh]

Well that's where the open and honest but comes in......

[BatFacedOK]

It'd be a no from me about going out in this boys car. My DD is 20 now and away at uni and I always question who she's with and travel arrangements. She humours me of course

At 15 though, it would be a resounding no to what I assume is hanging around and driving aimlessly in a car being driven by a boy who can't have been driving long.

[BatFacedOK]

I can also confirm that saying no to your kids doesn't result in them becoming deceitful. Just explain your reasons why. You're their parent not their mate. Far too much liberal parenting going on these days.

[Unicyclethief]

But how do you know? Not trying to be facetious, but if they know you won’t allow something, but they do it anyway, would they really tell you? And you can’t ever be sure what they are doing. Unless of course you never let them out of your sight. (ie they don’t go to school, or have hobbies, or friends, etc!)

[BatFacedOK]

Hard to answer that unicycle. You just 'know' your kids don't you and your overall relationship I suppose

I have a 20 year old and a 12 year old. Excellent open relationships with both. I said no to a few things when my now 20 year old was 15.

[janisposh]

Just because you don't know they are not doing things doesn't mean they are.

I have one who tells me everything. At 15 she hung out with her year group and if she wanted to go in cars with 17 year olds I would have told her I wasn't happy with that. She would have respected that.

[junebirthdaygirl]

My worry would be the car not the guy. I would have known if mine were in cars at that stage as we live out the country so would always know where they were.

[Ragwort]

I don’t think you can ever ‘know’ someone 100% of the time, whether it is your child or your partner. I had (still have) an excellent relationship with my parents, everyone thought I was the model daughter, I still knew how to sneak off & have dodgy relationships with unsuitable men, I was just careful to cover it up.

[janisposh]

Lots of people do sneaky things. Lots of people don't.