DD's bad attitude

[Cornishmaid77]

Morning, so I have a 12 (soon to be 13 year old) and we are really struggling with her attitude. One minute she is lovely and the perfect child then the next minute she just turns and is awful. She has a spiteful tongue and says such hurtful things. It's affecting us as a family and I feel worn down by it. I've tried speaking to her and explaining how she makes me feel but I either get a 'sorry' that means nothing because I know she doesn't mean it or I get told she knows I don't love her and I would rather she didn't live with us. Obviously this is rubbish. She is my world. It's like she wants to control us as a family and make everything about her. I know that her hormones are all over the place but I also know that I didn't bring her up to behave like this towards us. The language she uses is disgusting but I just get told that's how everyone talks at school. I'm finding that I'm avoiding doing things such as days out or making plans for bonfire night etc as she just ruins it but this isn't fair on my youngest. My husband tries but he struggles with the disrespect and this just makes the situation worse. He says it's my fault she's the way she is because I have spoilt her and given her everything. This just causes a row between us and now I just don't know what to do. I feel like I could just run away. I hardly slept last night just worrying about her behaviour. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect family but I just want for mine to be a happy household. Can anyone advise me on how to deal with this or make me feel better by telling me they are in the same boat

[Wolfiefan]

Don’t bother trying to explain how it makes you feel. Consequences. Every time.
She’s your world? Odd comment. She’s a child. She needs to learn boundaries so one day she can go and live an independent life away from you.
And if you are spoiling her? Stop it. It does her no favours.

[Santaisgettingbusy]

For starters take the youngest out tonight and leave dd home - without her phone.
Tough op - you need to mean business.. And wipe the Welcome sign off your forehead.
Your dh has a point imo.

[Wolfiefan]

She has two children and one is her world? That’s odd.
And tiny children need your world to revolve around them. Heading to teens? Much less so.

[helpmum2003]

Teenagers are hard work and test you for years!! I don't think your situation is unusual.
To get control you need to have clear rules and consequences that you follow through if rules are broken. Removal of phone or WiFi is a good one.
Start this evening as you mean to go on...

Good luck!

[Cornishmaid77]

I don't see why it is odd saying that my DD is my world. Both of my girls are my world. I certainly don't have favourites and love them both equally. I put everything into doing the best by them and put their wants and needs before my own. What I am struggling with is the effect that this has on the whole family in particular my youngest. Yesterday for example we went out for the day and because we were listening to a song that she didn't want to listen to in the car all hell broke lose so we have gone from all singing along to one song and having a lovely time to another song coming on and her having a total meltdown and the minute the car stops she gets out and storms off. I have taken her phone off of her. It's hard to keep that up tho because all of her homework from school is set via an app on their phone. I have said that she can have it back for half an hour this evening to write down what her homework is. This behaviour just seems to have come out of nowhere and has caught me totally off guard.

[Wolfiefan]

Don’t give the phone back. She should be writing down the HW at school. Write it down from the phone and hand her the paper. She doesn’t need the phone.
It is odd to say she’s your world and I think it’s the root of the problem. She’s used to the world revolving around her and you being too scared to follow through on consequences.

[lostcity]

I can relate completely to what you are saying, however my DD is older than yours. I am currently very down about my DD and her attitude and it is also affecting our family life.

Your DH sounds like mine, basically making her behaviou my fault whilst at the same time winding her up and making it worse. I would be interested to know how much actual support he gives you? Are you a united front? It's easy to aportion blame if you don't take part in the first place.

Only advice I can give is to set firm boundaries otherwise this will potentially get worse. Does she have her phone overnight, what is her access to the wifi? Set boundaries for what is acceptable and what isn't and stick to them. Call your DH out (not in front of her) if he doesn't back you up.

[Cornishmaid77]

@lostcity DH does support me but not before he's made the situation worse! I find him very insensitive to the fact that although the behaviour we are experiencing is out of order she is still a 12 year old girl struggling with hormones and just the trials and tribulations of growing up. I was there once and I think kids have it even tougher now.

From everyone's comments I can see that I definitely need to be firmer with her. The phone is a major problem in our house and I need to take back control. I am guilty of giving in just to avoid the meltdowns but actually this has come back to bite me on the bum.

[Wolfiefan]

Her hormones don’t give her the right to be spiteful or use foul language. Sounds like you’re looking for excuses. Teens can be impulsive or struggle to cope with situations. We need to give them strategies to deal with life rather than justify poor behaviours.

[bubbles092]

What she needs is a fucking smack across her foul mouth.

Sorry! But if I spoke to my parents like that at your "darling" daughters age, my god wouldn't I know about it....!

[bubbles092]

@NottonightJosepheen approaching spoilt cunts with a gentle approach is why children and teenagers are running riot in the first place!

[Cornishmaid77]

@NottonightJosepheen thank you, I really appreciate your comments.

[corythatwas]

bubbles092, I think most educators are aware that some of the most dreadful behaviour comes from the kind of parent who is seen smacking them across the face in the playground.

Yes, to firmness- but also yes to modelling good behaviour and self-control.

If your dc don't learn these things from you, where are they going to learn it from? If you can't control them in any other way than smacking them across the mouth, how much authority are they going to think you actually have?

[corythatwas]

I think firmness coupled with empathy wins out every time. You might also start treating her as more of an adult, giving her a bit more responsibility and a bit more choice- on the understanding that you will not tolerate extreme rudeness. Does she have to come with you on Bonfire night?

[TheWiseWomansFear]

@bubbles092 wtf, you're calling a 12yo a cunt and saying she needs a smack?? NOT OK.