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Ds's first girlfriend.... groundrules?(9 Posts)
So.. 15yr old DS has his first girlfriend (she's school year younger than him). Met via friends online and lives in nearby town so is entirely unknown to us. They've talked online a lot, met for a cinema trip and she's been here for an afternoon, during which time they hung out in a room which just has a sofa and his tv/Xbox in (they seem to be at the cuddling/kissing phase). She had to leave before dinner so had no chance to get to know her.
Son is really pushing me to let them hang out in his room as apparently I'm insanely strict to not allow this.
He's also having a party / garden camp out with friends from his sports club next week and would like her to come too. I have no issues with her coming but am not sure about her staying over. Even though they'll all be in a tent together, I think it's more that I don't know her at all yet, than that I think they'll get up to anything they shouldn't . He's kicking off about how "embarrassing" this all is too.
So I'm wondering if I, and DH, are being madly strict? I just think if he expects us to be ok with them spending time together in our home, that he needs to allow us to get to know her a bit first.
He's very uncommunicative and surly so am not sure if my annoyance at his overall interactions with us is influencing my thinking on this...
Not allowed in his room untill you get to know her, I'd say better but by the sounds of it you don't know her at all so a definite no no.
The sleep out thing, I'd be uncomfortable with with that too. I know what I was like
I think if he's old enough to have a girlfriend in his room, he should also be mature enough to have a sensible conversation with his parents about it.
I wouldn't insist on getting to know her first, what happens if you don't like her? You can't pick his girlfriend for him, but I would expect him to at least look like he was paying attention to a conversation about respect/consent/safe sex.
I'd continue down your current route at the moment, she in particular is very young and they do seem to be trying to engineer some sort of, ahem, opportunity!
How is he with contraception etc if they are going to go ahead and ignore you?!
@Dotty324kids in the #metoo era I would be weary letting a young boy with a YOUNGER girl alone without having some sort of conversation with her. Of course you can never predict but it may help to calm/heighten your nerves about it. At the end of the day it's your sons interest, heart and to an extent life at stake here. Too many young men being accused of improper conduct. I say get to know her at least.
I don't think that's on the cards yet but if and when it is, he knows enough to be careful. I'm as confident as I can be about that, anyway!
When it was us we had a chat with the other teen's parents to see what their rules would be in their house. Worked really well. I'd be even more keen to do this if you're having the girl at yours if that doesn't sound too sexist. The last thing you want is a raging dad approaching you if things haven't gone right
Rules on both sides were that they're allowed to go into the bedroom but the door must be left open at all times and we will be knocking and coming in to chat whenever we feel appropriate. That way the risk is that if they're doing anything they shouldn't be, they might get caught. We rarely did it.
No overnight stays ever unless in separate rooms ( we have a spare room and policed it well)
And yes. If you're adult enough to have a girlfriend you're adult enough to chat with us about it! Ours seem to have limited embarrassment on that front so we're lucky
Been through this, my boys are now nearly 18 and 20. First thing is, you cant stop them having sex if they are determined enough, they will find the time and place. What you can do is decide what you are comfortable with in your home - and this applies whether they are 15 or 18. Its your house so your rules and you have to be firm about this.
My DS was 16 when he started going out with his then 15 yo girlfriend and we had a couple of chats about contraception, intimacy, respect and consent. They were not allowed to sleep together here until they had been together for 6 months and were both 16. Her parents were in agreement with this and for us it felt like the right decision.
We always tried to respect their feelings for each other, at 15 or 16 they can be very intense and feel like they will be together forever so it's all fine. We also tried to convey the message that sex is normal, natural and a lovely part of a serious relationship but with the wrong person at the wrong time it can be very damaging.
Your 15 yo doesnt want cosy chats about sex, but I agree that if he is old enough to think about sharing a tent with her then he is old enough to discuss this. In a car on a journey somewhere is a good place to discuss sex - he doesnt have to sit looking at you but cant escape!
I was never too concerned about the fact that I didnt really know my boys girlfriends, once they get to secondary school I didnt know many of their friends that well.
Good luck, it's not easy. DS has been with his girlfriend for 18 months now which I didnt expect at all.
This is really helpful for us too as DS is just about to start going out with his first girlfriend, hopefully for him
It sounds like you’ve had some really good advice on here already. I think it might also be worth discussing what things could go wrong, Pregnancy, STDs, Sex Offenders Register.
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