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Heartbroken daughter(7 Posts)
I apologise for this lengthy intro but it’s been a hellish year for our family. Just over a year ago, dd (then 14) had a disagreement with a male friend who turned really nasty and it developed into a period of vicious bullying/shaming/threatening etc. DD took it really hard, started losing clumps of hair and, I found out later, started some self harming. School banned the boy in question from approaching her but that was it. Things quietened down but my daughter wasn’t the same happy, bubbly girl she had been before. Around Christmas, she befriended the boy who lives near us (we live in a rural area) and started sitting with him on the school bus etc. This soon led to hanging out together outside school and looked as though it would blossom into a first romance for both of them. My daughter’s behaviour, however, was still irrational at times and this sweet boy often bore the brunt. They had arguments but always managed to patch things up. At the beginning of the summer, he noticed the scars on her arms for the first time. He apparently gave her a hug and told her he would always be here for her if she needed him. A week later though, after another squabble over something extremely trivial, he took her to one side and told her he no longer wanted to be friends. She was devastated, knew she had messed up a really important relationship and came to her father and me, asking us for help. We took her to our GP who referred her to our local CAMHS service. Almost immediately she began CBT sessions and, having worked really hard to get better, she was finally discharged last week. There are still issues at school with unkind behaviour from a small group but she is dealing with it brilliantly thanks to her therapy. The only thing which is really preventing her from being happy is her estrangement from this boy who she clearly cared very deeply for. He barely makes eye contact with her and any attempt to reconcile is met with cuteness. His mum told me that he had never mentioned or shown interest in any girl before my dd and that towards the end of the friendship, hey had noticed him becoming quite withdrawn. I feel awful for him but my dd is so different now I just wish he would give her another chance. She told me that, although she is glad she got hwlp for her own sake, she initially did it for him. She is utterly heartbroken and so am I in her behalf. To make matters worse, a former friend is doing all she can to flaunt her friendship with this boy in front of my daughter. I know he cares for her but his behaviour now seems so cruel. DD has her GCSEs this year and I just want to see her thrive. Any advice/suggestions would be more than welcome.
Again, sorry for this long post.
Sorry, should have proofread more carefully. I meant to say she is met with curtness, not cuteness
Sorry but maybe the truth is that this boy just isn’t mature enough to deal with the reality of your daughters difficult emotions and cannot be what she needs from him.
She has done so well to get better and get help and engage with it all and sounds mature and wise beyond her years. Maybe just accepting it is his issue and not hers and moving on will help. He may grow up a bit and come to her, he may not. Not to generalise but young boys do generally grow up a little slower emotionally than girls.
I think your DD’s issues come down to low self esteem. This is why she allows what others think of her to dictate her happiness.
She needs to build up her sense of self, of who she is, what her strengths and beliefs are, what her vision of her own future is, and learn to like and respect herself. She will never have a happy relationship with a boy until she knows and loves herself.
There are some great books for girls about building self esteem - try A Mighty Girl for books for her and for you:
Sorry my link didn’t work - I can’t remember how to do them!
I know in my heart you’re right but she is finding it very hard. She feels out of step with her peers who flit from boy to boy. Although this never went beyond friendship and holding hands, they had talked and planned things they were going to do together and I think she is mourning all of that as well as missing his friendship in the present
Thank you so much, I’ll go and have a look at that!