13 year old DD watching porn and self harming

[HootieandtheBlowjob]

How do we deal with this?

She's been cutting superficially for a few months with a razor. Not deep, not needing stitches. School know and are supportive. Counselling in the pipeline. She continues doing it and showing me afterwards, for attention I guess. Tonight she had about 20 marks across her forearm and cried herself to sleep. She doesn't fit in she says. She's fat and ugly.

After she fell asleep I looked through her phone to see if someone had upset her on social media. I looked at her web history - she's been looking at porn. Loads of it. All types of it. I feel sick, angry, upset, worried, ashamed, sad and embarrassed. What do I do now? She'll be so embarrassed if I talk to her about it and may do something even worse than cutting herself. Should I talk to school? What can they do?

I'm lost. Advice welcome.

[tessiegirl]

Nice username

[HootieandtheBlowjob]

Is that all you can say? Fuck sake.

[CupMug]

Remove her phone and put proper parental controls on it. If you don't know how to then get someone else to.

It's very sad when a child is able to access such inappropriate material so easily.

[CupMug]

She's been cutting superficially for a few months with a razor

Where is she getting the razors from?

[blooddiamond]

Your attitude sounds quite concerning frankly, by dismissing her as attention seeking you are dismissing whatever pain she is feeling and taking out on herself. She is sharing this with you because you're her parent and in her mind you should be able to help her fix it. The porn is a secondary issue and whatever your views on how that might affect her self esteem it's important to recognise that whatever you do it's virtually impossible to observe her viewing it at all so the best thing you can do is help her understand how that might be making her feel and how to be empowered and confident in her appearance by finding her own intrinsic sense of self worth.

[stayathomer]

I amn't much help but think you're going in the right direction with school and counselling. I suppose it all needs to be talked about, why she's doing it, where you said she feels bad about herself is it coming from herself or others, see if there's any bullying going on and ask her what would make her happier and talk about the tiny steps you can start on to make that happen. If there's stuff going on in school this is the biggest thing. I can only guess how difficult the sit down will be so Best of luck OP

[stayathomer]

blooddiamond OP said 'looking for attention' not 'attention seeking.' Given all the steps OP has started to put in place and how worried she sounds I don't think that's helpful

[blooddiamond]

I just feel that viscerally the first reaction to that kind of pain from your child shouldn't be that they are lacking in attention and instead more focused on something practical. Talking about self hard in terms of attention seeking or looking for attention in anyway is dismissive of something that can quickly escalate which imo can be dangerous.

[oatlatte]

It sounds like she’s having a really tough time, OP.

It’s horrible that she’s cutting but a positive sign that she’s being open with you about it. It’s great that counselling is lined up. In the meantime, could you maybe try to come up with some ideas of distraction techniques together for when she feels the urge to self harm? This link here www.rcpsych.ac.uk/PDF/Self-Harm%20Distractions%20and%20Alternatives%20FINAL.pdf might have some useful tips.

I know it must be alarming as a parent, but being curious about sex and seeking out porn at her age is normal. If you do decide to talk to her about it, try to go in gently without showing that you are angry/ ashamed. It could be a chance to have a conversation with her about how unrealistic porn is and how damaging it can be. And a good way to discuss healthy relationships, consent etc.

for you both

[blooddiamond]

Self harm. My mistake.

[stayathomer]

blooddiamond I just would have read it that OP was saying 'she wants to draw my attention to it' as opposed to attention seeking in the manner we'd expect.

[Alternativefacts]

No advice really but wanted to say I think many parents of this age group feel equally lost - I certainly do much of the time.I think lots of them are looking at porn at this age. Are there parental controls that can block YouTube videos, I haven’t found any. It’s a cliche but I think keeping the communication going is key - awful as it sounds at least you know about the self harm. It’s so tough for them. Stay calm, positive and don’t beat yourself up, just try and make home a safe space and try to limit how much of the time she’s on her phone maybe. Ok so I said I had no advice but well this is what I tell myself to do! Good luck

[blooddiamond]

Stayathomer
that's a fair point and perhaps my phrasing came off as harsher than I meant it to, I just feel like the best way to approach this isn't to think about her as looking for attention at all, but rather ways in which you can build up her confidence and support her in developing a stronger sense of self esteem while thinking of the self harm more as a symptom of her feeling really low rather than lacking in attention

[stayathomer]

That's true

[blooddiamond]

Having said all that it's worth mentioning I've been through the other side of this, I don't have children at all. Mine went on for years into adulthood and resulted in numerous hospitalisations. I would hate for the ops daughter to have her behaviours minimised or dismissed when it can become addictive and escalate extremely quickly.

[florenceheadache]

Parental control/block her access to the internet. Just say that there is nothing on the internet that is helpful to her self esteem.
Is there a family member who she would like to talk to while she waits for the referral process.
What can you do to help her feel better, gym/pool/ are basics like dental care/braces, pimples dermatologist, recent hair cut covered.

[Angharad07]

Please don’t tell the school she’s been watching porn. I can’t imagine anything more mortifying!

[HootieandtheBlowjob]

Please don't think I'm minimizing the self harming. I take it very seriously and took action the minute I became aware of it, and m working with school supporting her with it and she starts counselling in two weeks. Im glad she shows me, that she can feel safe and open with me. stayathomer was right when she said I meant it was a way of drawing my attention to it. I never reject or dismiss her when she cuts. It may have sounded that way in my exhausted OP.

[blooddiamond]

op I'm glad you seem to able to access help for her with this not only for her but for you to be supported too

[Whereismumhiding2]

Looking at porn is just going to make her feel bad about herself. It's so unrealistic and exploitation of women. That's maybe the convo I'd have with her, that u were so worried she was being bullied u checked her phone/computer - and that porn on internet would make anyone feel bad so best to stop that.

It's good she's talking to you. She is in pain and using cutting herself to relieve bad feelings which then becomes a dirty secret and will add to feeling bad. So it's a vicious circle. She needs to see CAMS. Other preteens/ teenagers do this too. They work on finding other things to do to relieve that stress and anxiety.

Great that she's having counselling but also ask her what you can do to help? When does she feel bad, what triggers it?
Spend more time together of you can and see if there are positive activities she can do together that make her feel better about herself. Who are her friends? Teenage girls can be bitchy and cause all sorts of strife & drama. Far worse than boys (I have one boy and two girls). It's all about listening when you have a teenage girl (and trying not to eye roll at the drama of it all! )

Generally Teenage girls get socialised to please unlike boys, so they have more trouble with boundaries and walking away from friends being mean. They also get stronger messages about what they should look like from media, peers and sometimes even unthinking relatives (watch what her siblings say to her or uncles/aunts etc..). When listening , these are the things I'd be mentioning that we girls don't have to buy into unrealistic messages.

[Whereismumhiding2]

Good luck, just 'being there for her' & encouraging her to seek help is what she needs most. It's extremely upsetting to see a DD in such distress that she's cutting herself, so seek support for yourself too. Be aware though that she won't want you telling people , so don't let on to DD if you do talk to friends.