Step-mum at breaking point

[LillyMay75]

Hi. I'm new here and I need help and advice.

In a nutshell: met husband 8 years ago who had a son. Fast forward 2 years we had a daughter.

Step-son has always been challenging. Lies, misbehaviour, bad at school, playing both sides off against each other and recently serious violence. He's attacked his mother on more than one occasion. Drew a knife on his step-father and finally fractured my ribs.

He has always been the Apple of everyone's eyes and everybody always pitied him resulting in making it up with gifts and money, excusing his behaviour and giving him what he wants. His mother has always worked hard and not really been around and for the first 7 years of his life his father has worked away.

I embraced him with open arms. Always putting him first and included him in everything. Even cancelled plans and helped his mum out when dad wasn't present. But his mum has been manipuliative, lied, verbally abusive, she's played games and expressed how she doesn't like me to my step son. She's stopped me and his father from seeing him at times. She's used him as a weapon and genuinely wanted her own life. I get it. She was on her own without my step sons father being around. However she was in a stable relationship this whole time with another man and went on to have another child.

I had to rise above the drama and ignore the hurtful things for the sake of my husband and step son. She made relationships with my mother in law very difficult as she always ran to tell her things which weren't true.

I was there for her and the children when she had an affair and left her partner for a new one. Time spent with her children reduced. Holidays without them increased. But at the same time she wanted to get to know her new partner. I also get that.

When my step son started getting violent we all coparented to try and sort him and stand United. It got that severe that I ended up taking him on full time. But I didn't have legal rights which I asked for due to my husband working away and being main care giver. His behaviour escalated and he became uncontrollable. School was on the phone to me every day like the last school with his mum. It ended one evening when he kicked me down the stairs due to trying to discipline him. I had to get my husband to return from work and remove him from the home. My daughter saw it all and I was petrified and hurt beyond belief. No matter what I loved him and I knew he had problems that needed resolving. We all tried.

School had to be informed that had to involve safeguarding that had to involve the police that had to involve social services. I was interviewed by the police to which I didn't press charges as I didn't think it was the right answer. Social services had to have meetings to ensure I took all the right steps to safeguard my daughter which involved me not allowing my step son in my home. It was awful and it broke my heart.

Social services said that my step son wasn't naughty enough to receive help from them. Doctors at first thought he had bipolar then put it down to behavioural issues. And I haven't seen him for 7 months. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks and put on medication and needed a while to process the trauma. He was placed back with his mum and started his third high school. He underwent counselling which we was informed went well and he now behaves and is doing well at school.

My husband tries to keep a relationship but it sadly has broken down so much. I have tried to reach out to him and at first he was responsive and now nothing. I've also tried to reach out to his mum who wants no part and has told us never to contact her again. I really feel like she and my husband could be working together to mend this. I've been told it's due to shame and embarrassment why he isn't responding to me. It's upsetting as I feel like I've lost a son. Someone who was such a big part of my life. I thought his mum would be pleased that I still wanted a relationship with him. I don't know what to do and any advice would be greatly received. Thank you

[Lara53]

Bumping for you

[libbyhilljones]

Teenagers are so hard and I really commend you for how well you've dealt with it and still wanting to have a good relationship with him.

I think maybe push your husband to reason with the mum. I wouldn't be surprised if she believes that you're the reason he had behavioural problems because he lived with you and that's why she's rejecting you and your husband.

Teenagers are stubborn and unfortunately, you might have to just wait it out!

[LillyMay75]

Waiting it out is what I'm going to do. Some things are just out of our control sadly. We may not get the happily ever after but we can always hope and hopefully move on from this situation. Fingers used to get pointed at me a lot but now it's a situation between my husband and his ex partner. I'm playing Sweden. Thanks for your response