Struggling with teenage daughter 14 year old

[sb3108]

My daughter is 14 this November. In the last year she has become more aggressive, volatile and confrontational than she has ever been. She has no respect for me at all. She swears at me and cannot have a simple conversation without raising her voice or bring nasty. She is so defiant and thinks she can just do what she wants. If I say no or say I will take phone away or ground her she tells me will run away and not come back. This behaviour is genuinely making me ill. I can't sleep at night and the constant anxiety of living in this situation and the constant battle is getting me really down. I've seen the GP and they couldn't help much and also the school are involved as a lot of times she is refusing to go to school. If I say I will be getting into trouble or taken to court for her attendance then she just says she doesn't care. I'm at the end of my tether. Can anyone help? I'm getting desperate

[anniehm]

Firstly, so sorry you are going through this. You don't mention a father so I'm guessing you are parenting alone which makes it even harder. We have been through periods of hell with our eldest (she's autistic but that was the least of the problems) and we dealt with her by putting in red lines that she knew were unacceptable but allowing privileges when they weren't transgressed. We did play good cop bad cop, alone that is harder - but trying to access a family counsellor could give you the space to talk in a controlled manner - there are charities that provide this as well as private if the gp/school can't help

[totorosfluffytummy]

I would insist that she sees the School Counsellor, if she isn't already. She can't possibly be happy herself acting like that x

[Itsacakebaby]

I could have written your post almost word for word. I'm in my room shaking after my 14 year old daughter (who also is refusing to go to school) demanded I give her money for a bus or give her a lift. I refused as she should be in school and she has now begun smashing glasses in the kitchen. I'm the parent but it's frightening. She's swearing and shouting. It's an absolute mess. I have no words to support but just want you to know you're not alone. It can feel like hell on earth at times. The lack of respect and verble abuse is awful. I would not wish this on my worse enemy. Try to stay strong, although I know that's easier said than done.

[moseley36]

sb3108 and Itsacakebaby, I can relate to both of you to a certain degree. My 13yr old daughter is still happy to go to school but I am having a lot of issues with her. She has been moved to a new form in year 9 due to her behaviour however, although the school are trying to help they like me are at their wits end. I am going in to see them on Monday for a meeting which a Child Behaviourist is also attending.

She just seems angry for the majority of the time and we (DH and me) can't get to the bottom of it. She throws insults at me etc. and everyone else. I have grounded her, turned off all her apps (I use OurPact). Fortunately, she is not violent towards me but can be to her 16 year old sister. I am at a loss what else to do.

I am considering supplements, if she will take them, as she is also being really fussy eating too and I am wondering if this also isn't helping.

Any advice greatly welcomed.

[sb3108]

Her dad isn't that involved. He only sees them one night a week and at that she won't go most of the time. She has a twin brother that also bears the brunt of her anger. Thank you for your messages guys. I'm new to this but was just so desperate as other girls her age don't seem to be as bad. It's heartbreaking getting the verbal abuse from your own daughter and scary when you are intimidated by your own child. I'm looking into getting her counselling through the school so hoping this will help. Does this get better ?

[sijjy]

My dd is 18 next month. We had a terrible time with her from about 14-17. I won't go into details. But I am pleased to say she is now a lovely young lady. Don't get me wrong we still have our moments. Because she's on the cusp of adulthood but not quite there and I'm a over protective mum. (Apparently) it does get better. hang on in there and definitely try and sort her someone to talk to.

[sijjy]

Also if you don't get any joy from school. My dds has a massive waiting list. You could go and talk to the gp.

[Marie0]

Is there any underlying reason for her behaviour? Bullying, anxiety, peer pressure to fit in etc?

If you could ask her when she’s calm would she open up to you?

If there’s nothing apparent sounds like she may be a particularly rebellious teen in which case you need to develop nerves of steel.

I do the following with my DS who’s 13....

1. Do not engage or get involved in a slanging match - simply calmly say ‘I’ll talk to you when you’re in a better frame of mind” turn away and ignore
   
2. Remain consistent when you can - do you really think she will run away? I’d be inclined to call her bluff - she’s 14, if she ran away you’d report her missing and she would be picked up by the police and brought home.
   
3. Please don’t take anything personally- I promise your DD doesn’t mean it. My DS regularly tells me to “go and kill myself “ or “go and die in a hole”. She’s pushing your buttons and trying to see how far she can get before you snap.
   
4. Try and be involved with school as much as possible- my DS has a youth worker and has just started therapy.
   
5. You will occasionally see a glimmer of good behaviour- hold on to this
   

One day you have a lovely young adult as a daughter and realise what a strong person you are.

[Woffulo]

My dd is 15 in November and I feel like she has taken her dislike for me to a whole new level recently

She now refers to me as 'her' to my dh and to my face she calls me a Psychopath. She says she hates me, wishes I would go and die and apparently there is no one she likes less than me. She also said today that I make her want to kill herself and I make her unhappy.

Our relationship has hit rock bottom. She is a very clever girl and happily attends school luckily. It is just me she hates and speaks to like this 😞.

Dh says i should try to build the relationship back up, but it's really hard when she has nothing nice to say to me at all. If I do speak to her I get responses like, 'don't bother talking to me love' 🤨😫

Not sure where to go next. Sorry others are also dealing with this.

[sb3108]

Marie 0 - thank you I like your points and will defo be using these moving forward. It's just frustrating that every day is a battle. I've even had to get time off work at moment as the stress is really getting to me.
Woffulo - I'm sorry you are in the same situation. My relationship is non existent with my daughter at the moment and it's so hard. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this.

Thanks to everyone for their kind comments

[Penguinsetpandas]

So sorry you are going through this. I am having similar issues with DD past few weeks though no school ones and its making me ill too. Feel free to PM ever if you want to chat or anyone else going through similar.

[AmabelleOnabike]

I'm afraid I cannot offer any helpful tips here but I was an awful teen. I was especially awful to my mother (who I adore ever since I came out of that miserable fug of teenagerhood) and I can only say that I was miserably unhappy and angry. At what or who I could not say but I hurt so I wanted to hurt someone else. At times I was physically aggressive and knew in some part of my brain that I didn't want to be this person but couldn't find a way back from it.
Recently I heard that teenagers brains are undergoing such changes that they are in the toddler stage of adulthood. I think it was subtract 12 from your teens age to know what stage they are at (so you, op, have one teen at the terrible two's phase!)

I am ancient now (50's) so it was a long time ago, i would imagine that internet access and social media make teenagerhood harder, not easier. I just wanted to add OP that, in my experience, as miserable as I made my family's life (and I did, to which they testified for years afterwards, at every occasion) I was at least just as miserable if not more so because I could never get away from me.

[moseley36]

I went up to DD school on Monday to discuss her behaviour in school and they have been very helpful. They are putting some things in place, however, they also gave me a book, Feelings and Friendships: A Manual for the teenage years. I think you can order it via the following link. Hope it helps www.futurelinkpublishing.co.uk/publish/publications/feelings-friendship.html

[Livvigirl]

Hi there, I am having exactly the same issues. 14 year old daughter aggressive, verbally aggressive and says such terrible things. School work starting to become affected. Really don’t know what to do.
I’ve confiscated her phone, removed all devices from my house just to restrict her snapchat etc...as punishment.
The above advice is wonderful but so so hard to follow when you’re in the heat of the moment but I find the cold shoulder treatment a bit more effective.
I’m so glad I’ve found this thread. We need support sometimes xx

[Livvigirl]

*above advice from Marie0 I mean x

[worriedmum03]

It doesn’t make it any better but mine is just the same. Apparently I have no right to speak to her. I can’t have a single conversation with her without her biting my head off. Her language is appalling, she doesn’t do school work and is constantly on her phone. I have tried so hard to bring her up to be a decent person but it is so hard to see the good in her at the moment. I love her but she is an alien to me.

[ladydickisathingapparently]

My 14 year old ds isn’t a nice person to live with right now. He’ll happily go to school but anything at home is a major drama. We try to keep it a nice calm atmosphere at home because otherwise he flies off the handle.

I honestly think a lot of his issues are low self esteem, much of which is fuelled by bloody social media. If you look at the “banter” on their Snapchat etc it’s so horrible and you can see the desperation to fit in. My 15 year old is happy to be a nerd, hang out with his nerdy friends and is much more settled because he doesn’t care to the same extent what others think of him.

In fairness I wouldn’t want to be a teen right now, despite all the apparent advantages they have. I guess we just have to sit it out and hope that they de-Kevin at some future point and revert to being decent human beings.

[Kath36]

I to have been in your shoes. Has to be the most horrudous times I have ever gone through so can totally relate. My dd was 13 when things started going down hill. Keep doing what your doing it does get better. She is 16 in Jan and although not perfect she is taking gcses seriously and is trying to catch up with missed schooling. Believe me when I say year 10 was an absolute nightmare. You may well be here in a few years time saying the same thing to another mum.

[Helplessfeeling]

Having the same issue with my 13 year old. She is so loud when she shouts, I cringe as I know the neighbours can hear everything she is saying. She flies off the handle at the least little thing, it cannot be predicted. The posts saying hang in there they grow out of it are reassuring, thank you everyone. Sorry to have no advice OP but just adding my support, know how it feels