What would you do if your teen found herself another, funner "family"?

[MotherofGorgons]

Hello. I am new here and joined specially to ask advice on 18 yr old DD, who quite understandably does not want to spend much family time with us any more. Less understandably, she has attached herself to another family, our neighbours. I will call them "The Perfects" because they apparently are!

DD and Ms Perfect are the same age and have been very close and intense friends for a while, in the way teen friendships often are. She spent a lot of time with the Perfects, and Ms Perfect also spent a lot of time, though less so, at ours. DD went through a very tough time during her A levels as she was ill with a chronic illness, so I decided to pick my battles and let this go. The Perfects would go out of their way to invite her to various things- days out, meals out, movies- etc, and I found it very hard to say no, even though I wondered why they always wanted them around. DD's brother is a sulky and taciturn 14, Ms Perfect has a cute little 4 yr old brother. I am a slobby work from home mom who lives in yoga pants, DH is a tubby 50 yr old who falls asleep on the couch after his stressful job. Mrs Perfect is a glamorous executive, Mr Perfect is 12 yrs younger and has all the energy in the world for days out. So it's perhaps no surprise that she finds them more "fun" than us, though I cannot imagine why on earth they want her there all the time. Please note ( we are both of an Asian background, where having people around all the time is quite common).

It's now got to the point that DD spends nearly all her time there. She is taking a gap year before uni so has a lot of time. She has recovered from her illness( thanks mostly to a constant effort by DH and I) Ms Perfect is off to uni, but DD still wants to go and spend time with the rest of the Perfects to help them fill their empty nest!!

I know I am going to get feedback that we should try to be more fun and better parents, or that there is something in the house that makes DD want to escape all the time. Honestly, I think we are ok. For family time we go out to eat a fair bit, have nice holidays, play games etc. I tend to nag her to clean her room or do her chores, which Mrs Perfect does not do, but surely mums are supposed to do that? As part of getting her to recover from illness, she needs to eat well, sleep well, exercise and follow certain rules. All those go out of the window with the Perfects, where it's mostly junk food and staying up late. I am beginning to feel that I am the unappreciated nurse while they get to have all the fun! Was v hurt the other day when DD said I shd prob take more of an interest in makeup and fashion like Mrs Perfect.

Sorry if I have drip fed, it's quite hard to summarise all the information. What should I do? Talk to DD and lay down the law not working v well) or talk to Mrs Perfect? Or both?

[FauxFox]

She is 18, I would let her choose her own friends/free time activities. She needs to take responsibility for her own health and contribute appropriately to you household whether by money or chores - in short you need to treat her as an adult...because she is one.

[lljkk]

Do you want your DD to say she appreciates you more, is that the problem?

[FauxFox]

And stop comparing yourself unfavourably to your neighbors - it’s not a competition.

[Spreadingcudweed]

Tbh I think this is quite normal teenage behaviour and I wouldn't worry too much! Part of being a teen is separating yourself off from your parents and becoming more independent, and "adopting" a friend's family is a safe way of making this step.

Having said that though, I know how you feel op! Dh and I are older parents, DD is an only (we couldn't have any more for medical reasons) our house is old and needs renovating etc. All of her friends' parents on the other hand are young and vibrant, they have brothers and sisters, their houses are modern and comfortable! Every single thing is better at theirs! Funnily enough, her friends seem to quite enjoy it when they stay here though!

[MotherofGorgons]

lljkk

I don't want her to say it, but I would like to spend more time with her during her gap year. The last year getting through as and a levels being ill was very tough and I just want us to have more fun together as a family. Is that so unreasonable?

[MotherofGorgons]

Oh, I expect ppl to ask why she is not doing something useful in her gap year. She is soon going to start a course, and learn a language. Hopefully this will leave her less time, but I am not sure. The medical advice was not to work until her health is fully recovered, so I am not expecting money or anything like that from her.

[lljkk]

How does she take it if you say you're unhappy that she's eating a lot of junk food.

What happens if you propose doing stuff together like watching a tv film, browsing shops, making a meal, going to the gym or for a walk, visiting other relatives, helping her job hunt? The only example you gave of time spent together was when you nag her to do chores. Chores isn't usually a "time together" sort of activity.

I think it's great she has two family support systems, many kids don't even have one.

[lljkk]

... what language does she want to learn, what if you guys learnt it together & practised it together?

[Livinglavidal0ca]

I'm only 21 OP, so not that far off this age and friendships are super intense at that age. I used to practically live at my best friends house, we used to go clubbing together, he lived with his sisters one was a couple years older and one was a couple years younger so a bit of a different atmosphere to being at home. Very relaxed and calm. We spent a lot of time together, I got pregnant so that ended but we're still best friends obviously. I'd let her get on with it, it's nice that she gets to do all these things but in a few years shell remember who her real family are and that's what matters.
On the other hand, I had a best friend growing up with the most fun mum, thought she was the absolute best, super glamourous, nothing like my mum. Turns out her mum was actually an alcoholic and she was only so fun because she was drunk. She even took me to Spain for a couple of weeks! I didn't get on with my mum at the time but adore my mum now and realised that actually my friend who's mum had no rules etc and I thought was amazing was actually crap and taught none of us any proper life lessons. Our other friend and I were laughing the other day about being so jealous as our mum's never gave us money without chores and grounded us all the time! Both of us are mum's now and even though we hated it at the time, realise that's exactly how we want to raise our children!

[troodiedoo]

gap year is for doing whatever she wants. sounds like she wants to relax and have a bit of fun after her stressful a level time. no problem.

I can understand your upset but try not to take it personally or think it's a rejection. they sound nice and decent people. there are a lot worse people she could be hanging with.
You be you. you are and always will be her parents.

[MotherofGorgons]

lljkk

So we do do some fun stuff together which I mentioned upthread; last night we all went out for Chinese. A couple of weeks ago we went for a lit festival together. ( we have reading in common and that has stayed the same) But sometimes I don;t want to try so hard if you know what I mean. Is it unreasonable to just want your teens in the house on a Sunday pottering about together? I mean, I would find it normal if she was out with other teen friends, but to attach herself to a family which will now be sans teen is so odd?

[tenredthings]

I'm hopefully way off mark here but if Mr Perfect is 12 years younger than Mrs Perfect could their be a bit of a love interest going on between your daughter and him ?

[LooksBetterWithAFilter]

I suppose from a parents perspective it’s hard but did we not all have a friendship like that in our teenage years? We all had a ‘second mum’ who was our friends mum that just seemed a bit cooler than our own mum. I’m still in touch with that mum now and the friend although she lives abroad but friends mum came to my wedding and I visit her when I’m in the area.
I think it’s quite normal and as I often remind my own teenage daughter I’m not supposed to be fun all the time being a parent comes with a lot of crap too I think it’s ok that my dd has a friends house to escape to and moan about how unreasonable I am and the same friend uses this house as the fun place to be.

[KennDodd]

Sorry you're upset op but she's an adult and gets to choose her own friends. On the positive side, if this is the most worrying thing your 18 yo does, your probably very lucky.

[lljkk]

You can make pottering funner, too, but I did wonder... are you & husband quite introvert & daughter is quite extrovert?

This isn't a rejection of you. It's her exploring the world. At some point she'll get disillusioned with her 2nd family, too, or she'll go off to Uni & probably never get in touch with them, either.

I had a 2nd family growing up, too, especially about age 14-15. I never thought about that before. My mother was very jealous of me being closer to my dad, but she never got jealous of my 2nd family. I was such an introvert, I think they were just super pleased I finally had friends.

[Spreadingcudweed]

I suppose attaching yourself to a family when her friend isn't there is a bit unusual I suppose. Have you asked her what she does there and why she likes it so much?

[HettieBettie]

OP why don’t you take an active step to doing something just you and her? A daughter date night or a thing that you two just do?

Don’t worry / the fact she is so confident to be somewhere else is a reflection of her being a secure person- you did that.

Don’t compare yourself - I know it’s easy.

X

[RJnomore1]

It's good for her to have friends of all ages. And we are all drawn to what is different from our own home, especially as teens.

Just relax.

[MotherofGorgons]

I have to be out for a bit, but thanks for all your comments, and thinking about them v carefully. Some of them are so spot on that I must respond! It's interesting how sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

Honestly? At about that age I did similar, it was something different and exciting and my parents were pretty strict and not much fun.

At the time I saw freedom and independence, I didn’t realise how hurtful it was to my Mum in particular.

Ride it out, she’ll realise one day.

[mariniere]

I suspect with Ms P away at university, it will make less and less sense for her to spend lots of time with the Ps and it may trail off a little (at least until uni holidays). So it may - if not actually resolve - improve on its own?

[JungWan]

@motherofgorgons, this is a first (the thread title) and you made me laugh describing them so I doubt if they're funnier than you are. But everybody's more polite with somebody else's family aren't they so maybe she likes the version of herself that she is with them and for them, maybe having her there puts them all on their best behavior. But I agree it'd feel a little odd to me. I think your dd's friendship with ms perfect will falter a little when they don't all know all of the same people and the friendship loses its intensity a little.
I've no husband, not even a fatish or fityish husband , just me, hassled underpaid mum with a messy shabby tiny house and yet I've always wanted the best for my kids and prioritised the right things so my dd fits in effortlessly with girls from more conventionally privileged families like she belongs, and I can imagine this exact scenario rolling out in my house

[LittleMissMarker]

I cannot imagine why on earth they want her there all the time.

There's your answer. She likes being with them because they like her and enjoy her company! Children and young people often behave better outside their own homes - you have seen Kevin and Perry haven't you?

When I was a teen, my best friend and I each got on very badly with our own fathers. One day when we were about 16 our parents arrnaged a swap - I spent the day with best friend's Dad and she spent the day with mine. We both thought each other's Dads were perfectly nice people It gave us some perspective.

I would like to spend more time with her during her gap year.

Then do make it very clear that you would like to spend time with her, that you would enjoy spending time with her. Don't try to force it, or make her feel bad about wanting to be elsewhere, just make her feel welcomed and comfortable.

It sounds as if there has been a lot of stress and worry about DD in your household. Perhaps the "worry" is coming across more than the "enjoyment". That would be very natural. Her friend's family don't worry about her so much (she's not their DD!) so she probably finds them nice and relaxing.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong though, and I'm sure it will sort itself out in time.

[Twooter]

Ms P may not appreciate her hanging out with her family and ‘replacing her’ when she’s away at uni.

[lljkk]

"the fact she is so confident to be somewhere else is a reflection of her being a secure person- you did that."

Gosh that's an astute observation.

Sometimes I have to grit my teeth & pretend try to be interested in whatever DC like. Airsoft, Hozier, trans-people rights, tanks, PokemonGo, the weird things DS2 babbles about. These are not my natural interests. But I make an effort to be a reliable listener & even think of some comments and questions so they become things DC like to talk about to me.