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DS14 wants to live with his other parent

(3 Posts)
olivesnutsandcheese Sun 09-Sep-18 22:04:22

Changed a few details as this could be outing, but in a nutshell my DSS who has lived with me since he was 6 wants to up sticks and live with his DM who left him with my DH when he was just shy of his 4th birthday.
We live in a naice area and he goes to a good state school, fairly rural and small in comparison with other secondaries.
He visits his DM every other weekend. She works in leisure full time and only has this time off ie works 6 days a week. DH and DSS originally lived in the area where the DM now lives however at the time of the split she moved to London with the guy she had an affair with. DSS doesn't remember living with his DM.
In the past few months DSS has become angry, withdrawn, argumentative and deeply unhappy. It seems to be a perfect storm of him questioning why he lives away from his DM, hormones, general 14yr old rebellion and crushing self esteem issues.
He has real issues with his school, feels he doesn't fit etc. Hardly any of his friends come from broken homes.
Cue the past couple of weeks and he's announced with help from his counsellor who we engaged to help him, that he wants to go and live with his DM and go to a new school.
Fundamentally DH and I think this is bad move, not just that we and his younger sisters would miss him but that his DM is a fairly crap Disney parent who rejected him once already. I am a sahp so am around for after school, help with hw, cook and clean and generally parent him 24/7 with DH.
We are at a loss of what to do, if we allowed him to move, DH has primary custody, then he would be alone every night until his DM got back and would go to a very rough school. He'd know no-one and given his accent and size would, most likely, be a sitting duck for bullying. However if we say no then he is most likely not going to work at school and continue to be vile to us and his siblings.
The counsellor we engaged seems, if I'm honest, to be undermining us as parents. I was particularly shocked to hear she'd said he would probably be happier with his mum. That aside, I'm so scared he's going to mess up his life, fail his GCSEs etc. If we let him go I think we'd feel we'd failed him.
Has anyone else been in this situation?I really just don't know what to do

OP’s posts: |
PawneeParksDept Sun 09-Sep-18 22:13:22

I haven't been in your situation but in the circumstances you describe I absolutely wouldn't want him to move and I think the counsellor is irresponsible

He can't go from being in a rural school with lots of support to being alone in inner city London most evenings 6 nights a week with a DM who hasn't been a full time parent to him in a decade and is probably very laid back with him when she does see him because she can afford to be because you and your DH have done and are doing the hard yards


Northernparent68 Wed 12-Sep-18 13:14:42

As a compromise increase the amount of time he sees his mother

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