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Son verbally and (sometimes) physically abuses me, daughter and husband

(10 Posts)
Thundermother Sat 25-Aug-18 07:54:33

My 18 year old son has ADHD and i often violent. Countless times, he has called me names such as psycho, c*nt, b*tch, dumb***, d*ck, often times he calls me a sh*t parent. He also reacts to punishments (taking electronics away. Especially his shooting games) violently. He has scratched and given me bruises on my arms. He also sometimes punches walls, breaking and denting them which scares me because i know that anger is directed to us. We got DS a punching bag to refrain him from punching anymore holes in the walls.

Although DH is okay with controlling his temper, he sometimes snaps and gets a little violent. For example, My husband once threw my sons phone across the room because he kept saying verbal slurs at him. My husband also briefly choked by son against a wall 2 or 3 times because my son kept hitting my husband and telling him to "Suck my c*ck". My son is the only one who was make my husband like this. DS is also going to residence in university and we have been going to family therapy for a little over 2 months now, so that's good. But the problem is, i don't know what to do because i don't want him to end up beating his wife up and going to jail. I am also scared for my 14 year old daughter who has witnessed all of this and had to get involved with me to stop anything drastic from happening. Any help would be greatly appreciated! PLEASE HELP US

OP’s posts: |
abbieo Sat 25-Aug-18 09:32:14

My brother used to be the EXACT same. punching holes in walls, holes through doors, punched my step dad, called my mum a fat cunt and several other things.. threatening to hurt and kill my mums pets... it was awful. He has ADHD and Asperger's. He's gotten a lot better now as he lives with my dad (not his biological dad)

If you ever want to chat about it just give me a message smile

junebirthdaygirl Sat 25-Aug-18 09:48:29

Could you call the police the next time he does it ? Is he on medication for Adhd..may need to be. Its a very tough situation but don't be afraid to involve the police.

LadyLoveYourWhat Sat 25-Aug-18 13:04:44

I think you have a serious problem with your husband too, "choking" someone is a very dangerous thing to do - it's very easy to kill someone this way. Your husband really needs to find a better way of dealing with this, surely just leaving the room and calling the police would be an option?

Squeegle Sat 25-Aug-18 13:40:09

Is the family therapy helping? My DS can be like this, he is younger but also has ADHD, he bullies me; and we have many holes in the wall. I think his ADHD medication needs to be upped - also mindfulness should help. It all depends on whether your DS sees the problem.

Thundermother Sat 25-Aug-18 22:20:28

junebirthdaygirl, He is on medication for ADHD but sometimes he doesn't take it because it messes up his sleep schedule. I can't force him to take it so i leave him be. LadyLoveYourWhat, I do agree with that but he is getting better. Family therapy has helped. Over two months ago, DH took my sons mattress and threw it outside while daughter tried to stop him. She was able to calm him down and convince him to bring the mattress back inside. DH has only choked him for a few seconds but my son had choked and kicked my daughter before. Sqeegle, Family therapy has indeed helped. We did up the medication for a but but he stopped taking his meds regularly because it didn't make him sleep well. I can't force him to take it so i let him be. My son does see the problem, that is why he suggested we get him a punching bag and when he is angry he tells us that "He is trying not to punch us". Not the best way to tell us he's angry but at least we get the message.

OP’s posts: |
Squeegle Sat 25-Aug-18 22:55:27

I am hoping with my DS that the fact he is self aware will help him in the future. We think that his dad (my ex) also has/ had ADHD. But of course it wasn’t diagnosed, and so he had no idea of any of the things that might have helped him be less impulsive and angry. At least my DS has some insight even though he is ruled by his impulsivity at the moment. There is a lot of shouting in our house, holes in doors and broken banisters. But I do feel like things are changing in his head, and certainly for me his diagnosis has meant that I try hard to be calmer. I am hoping to try family therapy with him and my daughter. It sounds good that it’s havin some good effect.

Thundermother Sun 26-Aug-18 00:58:16

My DH also has ADHD but not as extreme. There is a lot of yelling in the house as well (almost every day) and a big hole in the wall in my DS's room, There was a hole in the basement but we fixed it, and many dents and broken baseboards. In family therapy, only i, DH and DS is going. My daughter doesn't go because she isn't part of the problem but i am afraid of what might happen if she is subjected to this kind of yelling/abuse.

OP’s posts: |
Squeegle Sun 26-Aug-18 09:37:31

When my DS was small my ex used to find it really difficult to hold back and be calm if there were behavioural issues. His own impulsivity didn’t help with our DS. As he has recognised that he too probably has ADHD he has taken a lot of steps to reduce his own impulsivity - meditation etc, so this means he has a much better relationship with our DS. I’d like to try the family therapy, is it expensive? How did you find a therapist? Relationships in our family are all fraught, my poor DD is very quiet and when it all kicks off she just goes to her room, she hates the shouting. I’d like my DS to be able to recognise how destructive some of this behaviour is; and I’d like also to learn how to be a bit calmer myself and understand better where he is coming from.

poobumwee Sun 26-Aug-18 21:57:09

"but my son had choked and kicked my daughter before"
This is a big concern....and i promise I am not judging

In a similar position to you. 16 year old Son has ASD is regularly violent and verbally aggressive. DD is 11 She has had counselling due to what she has witnessed. he has attacked us (not DD), threatened to kill us etc. we had him arrested but did not press charges-said we would the next time and we will if it comes to it. My DH has had to restrain him before, to protect us all. DD and I have to lock ourselves in DH and my bedroom to keep safe. We have kept DD physically safe, but she has had to have counselling. We do not want her to to think his behaviour is normal or acceptable.....while balancing with her understanding he has ASD....very difficult. If he laid a finger on her, I would call the police again. we live in a constant state of stress because of his behaviour.

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