Dd would stay in her room all day if I let her and never leave the house

(27 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Sat 04-Aug-18 22:07:38

I'm struggling with Dd (almost 15), she would happily do nothing all day, stay in her room, sleep and go on her tablet.

If I ask her to come out with me and dd2 she moans, cries and begs to stay at home, once out of the house she can either be totally fine or she can be so miserable that she ruins the day for dd2 and I.

Today I took her out, paid a lot to park the car at a local beach and then she starts with the "I don't feel well", she then refused to join in with anything and made us feel miserable.

Occationaly I will just leave her at home, when home alone she still won't come out of her room apart from going to the toilet, won't make herself anything to eat and just stays led in bed. She has always been like this but slowly getting worse. The constant moaning and turning on the water works, being rude, saying she's ill and refusing to join in. It's like she's scared of enjoying herself.

We are off on holiday in a week's time and I'm dreading it, she ruins every holiday by refusing to do anything and just constantly moaning. She's unhappy 90% of the time. I try very hard to please her, I have offered to take her to friends houses, have told her she can have friends over but she won't even ask them (she has 3 or 4 close friends), I ask her what she wants to do and she says "stay in bed".

She goes to her dad's once a week where she does nothing other than sit around and go out to eat (her dad's not a very active person).

Dd1 has Aspergers and I know some things are harder for her but she's become so grumpy and unhappy, I worry about her mental and physical health. She rarely sees sunlight, hardly exersise and is horizontal most of the day.

I don't know what to do to make things better, I try and talk to her and she just argues or cries.

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 05-Aug-18 10:12:31

Ok so she has Aspergers. Does she have ADHD too? This would explain the screen time. If you want to go to the beach, do you think swapping the tablet for a boom might work? So her mind will still be engaged and hopefully the double whammy of being outdoors and without her tablet won’t make her too anxious.

If you are worried about her mental health, have you talked to her about going to the GP?

In all honesty though, I think you’d be better posting in the Special Needs section where there are sone lovely MNers with experience smile

Lovemusic33 Sun 05-Aug-18 11:04:54

Thank you. I have posted on sn boards before and don't get any response.

I let her take her phone and tablet when we go out, this used to work ok but now she still moans and cries before we go.

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 05-Aug-18 11:39:32

Sorry you don’t much response in the SN section Love. I don’t really have any experience but I do have a teen and if we want to get him up and out, we have to talk about our plans for the next day, then start the process of getting him out about 2 hours before we need to leave. Not sure if that’s normal or just him grin

My DF DS has Aspergers, that’s the only experience I have. He’s an adult now and she’s pretty much having to leave him to it. I know his Mental Health has suffered. He spends hours on the computer and has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, that’s what made me ask if your DD has it.

If you do take her out, does she have music on her phone, sunglasses, a sun hat, and noise cancelling headphones? Does she get to help to plan the day?

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 05-Aug-18 11:40:41

Forgot to ask, if she’s not going out, a re you giving her a decent vitamin D and Calcium supplement?

oldbirdy Sun 05-Aug-18 11:48:26

My 16 year old daughter and has Asperger's and is the same. I have found he will come out for things that are interesting to him - eg he just did a computing course at a local uni, and came in a family cinema trip to see a film he was interested in. He finds the light at the minute , with it being so hot and bright, too much and it gives him a headache so he has a hat and sunglasses.

When we go on holiday we make a list of the stuff we are thinking of doing, eg visiting this castle, going on this walk. He has some input into the places to visit and is allowed to opt out of trips he is uninterested in. So via a combination if including things he finds interesting and allowing him an opt out he usually comes along on about 5 of the 7 days. The days he is not interested we don't make him come as he'll ruin the day for everyone, this way the rest of the family gets to enjoy the holiday too. I figure as a 16 year old get deserves both some input and some autonomy and don't think he should be forced into days out.

oldbirdy Sun 05-Aug-18 11:49:12

That first sentence has been autocorrected. It should say my 16 year old ds.


TAmum123 Sun 05-Aug-18 15:47:02

Dd (17) has ASD (would be Aspergers but they don’t diagnose that where we live) and ADHD. She has had mental health issues and would love to have friends and a social life but really struggles to manage it. She does sometimes refuse to come out with us but I have had some success by discussing each week on a Sunday - what the rest of us are doing, what I am expecting her to join in with, anything she might want to do that week. I make it clear how long outings will last and what will be expected of her. At 17, she understands that it is better for her physical and mental health to get out and about to an extent. I do also offer bribes - if you do xyz which your brothers want to do, then we can do what you want the next day. When we get home, particularly if she has made an effort, I don’t restrict screen time or whatever she wants to do.

Lovemusic33 Sun 05-Aug-18 17:26:52

Thank you for your suggestions, we have tried many of them. I used to be able to get her out if it was something to do with her interests, Pokemon go was a great help but now she doesn’t seem to have any interests other than her mobile phone (texting her boyfriend) and going shopping for Pokemon cards.

We have written down ideas of places to go and we pull one out of a hat each week but they are things we have all put in the hat (so things dd2 and I want to do too), if so,etching is pulled out of the hat that dd2 has chosen dd1 will refuse to go or will make out she’s ill.

She loves history at school so I try and find places to go that have history (castles, Roman settlements etc...) but she won’t go if it involves getting out of the car and walking.

She is very pale, when I do manage to get her outside she makes out she has heat stroke and refuses to move. She’s not coping with the heat and keeps saying “I’m not going out until winter” but I know she still won’t go out when it’s cooler.

I think I find it hard because I am really outgoing, I love trying new things and visiting new places as does dd2 (she has Autism but loves being out). Dd1 is very much like her dad, I left him 3 years ago as I felt his behaviour was effecting the dd’s and I often blame him for the way dd1 is.

OP’s posts: |
TheFemaleGaze Sun 05-Aug-18 21:10:55

Same here. 13yo. Currently being assessed and is working with a therapist. Huge discrepancy between her emotions and her intelligence. Just getting her to wash every day is a struggle. Glad to hear we're not alone.

Lovemusic33 Sun 05-Aug-18 21:27:28

Dd is the same, can’t get her to wash, I still have to remind her to change her underwear and brush her teeth or she won’t do it. Yet she’s top of her year in most subjects at school. She suffers with anxiety and this seems to be getting worse. We are waiting for a appointment as GP has referred her back to hospital.

OP’s posts: |
TheFemaleGaze Sun 05-Aug-18 22:16:23

Mine self-harms. Diagnosed high IQ. Life can be miserable some days. Today is one of them.

Darkestnight Sun 05-Aug-18 22:22:33

Sounds like social anxiety. My dd who is 18 has it and starts therapy soon. She also hss adhd. I just leave her to it but she will wash etc

oldbirdy Sun 05-Aug-18 22:24:32

My DS doesn't wash of his own accord either. I have found with him it's something to do with initiation and taking initiative. If I start the bath running he'll get in, but if I told him to just go and get a shower he wouldn't start the process.
I still wash his hair over the side of the bath before he gets in.

The way we manage it is to have a strict routine - bath every second day. He doesn't get smelly really.

TAmum123 Sun 05-Aug-18 23:14:57

Do you get any help from camhs or anyone else? Dd has had significant mental health issues (self harm, anorexia, suicidal thoughts, overdoses) and has been out of school and in hospital. All kinds of professionals have been involved and she is medicated for ADHD and for anxiety. She is doing loads better and the medication (which I resisted initially) has made a huge difference - she admits she wouldn’t be without it. I understand that the problem with some outings was in fact anxiety about them - helped by the medication and my understanding is better so sometimes I am able to address it before levels get high!

Lovemusic33 Mon 06-Aug-18 09:23:18

She has been discharged from CAMHs 3 times, we have been referred back and told there’s a waiting list (so no appointment yet). She suffers with hypermobility syndrome and hypertonia too, she says she’s in pain a lot but I’m unsure if she just uses this as a reason not to do things. She’s never been outgoing, scared of trying anything new, if I mention trying anything she just cries and refuses. I do try to compromise with her but it’s got to the point where there is no compromise as she refuses everything. I am dreadful no our holiday next week, I know she will make me and dd2 miserable by refusing to do anything other than stay indoors.

It’s really getting to me, it makes my life ten times harder, I don’t have many friends as I can’t go anywhere, when I do take her out of invite friends over she does her best to ruin the day by moaning all day. Same with relationships, I have been single for 3 years and I can’t see that changing.

I know she can’t help some of it but it’s the fact she does not consider others at all, if she doesn’t get her own way (stayed no at home) she will do her best to ruin things for everyone else.

OP’s posts: |
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Mon 06-Aug-18 09:28:44

Tbh l thought that all teens did this.
I clearly remember a holiday when ds was 14, where he stayed in the cottage all day on his laptop.🙄

We just went out and left him to it

Lovemusic33 Mon 06-Aug-18 09:39:17

I think a big part of it is just normal teen behaviour, what worries me is she has always been like this (but not quite as bad) and she just has no interest in anything, most teens go out with friends, take part in some kind of activity and go outside from time to time? And most don’t burst into tears every time you suggest leaving the house?

I have prepared myself to leave her on holiday whilst dd2 and I go out but I’m not doing this everyday (happy to leave her a couple hours whilst dd2 and I pop down to the beach).

OP’s posts: |
Marie0 Mon 06-Aug-18 14:06:13

My DS2 is 11 and has ASD. His Xbox is his life 😲. I struggle to get him to get dressed let alone out of the house. He won’t even go to the bathroom which is next to his bed room and soils himself everyday.

His only interest other than gaming is the cinema- although I think he only goes because he gets a hot dog, slushy and pop corn and our local cinema has those reclining seats which is very exciting for him!

I’ve found I just bribe him constantly- I’ve just given him £2 to take the dog out with me. There’s always a voucher he would like to get from ‘game’ or a game from Amazon so money for him is a good incentive.

Does your daughter have friends she can invite around? Maybe she would behave a bit differently if when you u wanted to go on an outing she was able to bring a friend?

Holidays are especially tricky as DS1 is completely the opposite and wants to do everything whereas DS2 who has ASD will only do certain activities such as swimming.

We recently went to Center Parcs and had to travel in 2 cars - it’s utterly ridiculous but my DS2 will refuse to sit anywhere near DS1 as he annoys him so much. My DH would spend the day with DS1 me with DS2 and meet up in the evening for a meal- a bit of an odd family holiday to say the least!

It’s really difficult and I hope you find some way of motivating you’re DD out of her room. Presumably her anxiety is what is causing all this have you considered meds?

TheFemaleGaze Mon 06-Aug-18 14:08:54

I share your anxiety OP. In our case it looks like we are heading towards a diagnosis of autism. We don't live in the UK so our options are in-house care, outpatient care or a stay in the psychiatric ward. The latter conjures visions of Girl Interrupted in my mind and I hope we don't have to go down that road. I don't understand how we went from perfectly easygoing primary schooler to this.

Lovemusic33 Mon 06-Aug-18 14:17:42

She does have friends but won’t invite them over, I have offered to take a friend when we go out, have offered to drop her off in town where he boyfriend is but she doesn’t want too.

OP’s posts: |
TAmum123 Mon 06-Aug-18 14:23:32

TheFemale - that is exactly what happened to us. Dd was a cheerful primary school pupil with no sign of what was to come - her primary school teachers were really shocked by what happened to her at secondary school. I work in education and feel stupid that I didn’t pick anything up either. At 17 she is coping much better and is desperate to have friends and a social life, which is motivating her to get out into the world more!

TheFemaleGaze Mon 06-Aug-18 17:04:58

TaMum when did it start?

TAmum123 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:25:26

There were no problems at all when she left primary school... by the end of year 7 she was struggling with friendships, very anxious and having panic attacks.... things got worse during year 8 and the school suggested she was assessed.... ADHD and ASD were diagnosed as she turned 14. She was borderline anorexic by then and could not come to terms with the diagnosis at all.... out of school for half of year 10 and all of year 11. She is very bright and got 7 GCSEs in hospital school. We attempted a return to mainstream school last September which was unsuccessful and will be trying again (with a lot of additional support) this September - she wants to do it now, is much more mature and understands herself better and I am reasonably confident she will manage. I think it. Is really hard for high functioning girls, who mask and go under the radar - it takes a toll on their mental health. And it is really hard to know how far to push them with things like going out.... no easy answers.

TheFemaleGaze Mon 06-Aug-18 19:16:57

Year 7 and 8 identical. Children sit exams here three times a year. She does no prep whatsoever, glances over her papers while she walks to school and usually comes home with top marks. The school already agreed to let her attend on a half-time basis because she would fall asleep in class from sheer boredom. She started self-harming and stopped eating for extended periods earlier this year. I can't even concentrate on my work at this point. Most days I feel distressed.
In that sense, I'm happy to read TaMum that your daughter seems ready to give it a go again. That said, year 9-11 must have been heartbreaking for you. Encouraging to see therapy does work.
Her therapist will discuss with her tomorrow where she sees herself (at home or in hospital).

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