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My 19 year old just got engaged. Help!

(97 Posts)
Halee Fri 03-Aug-18 03:50:39

I am freaking out about my daughter getting engaged! They have been together three years but she only just turned 19. He is 20 and co-owns a business. She is a freshman in college. I have to admit she had to grow up fast. Neither of us (me or her dad) were very active in her life and she has been through quite a bit. We are much better now but she didn’t have much of a childhood. He is a great boy... he really is... but they are so so young. I have tried to tell her to wait and I’ve asked what the rush is but she is confident they are truly in love. Ugh its weird for me to even think that. She is my baby. They are both babies. I don’t know what to do. Please please help!!! Any thoughts or advice is welcome!

OP’s posts: |
adayatthebeach Fri 03-Aug-18 03:56:18

I married at 19. At 19 I thought I was grown. You don’t know what you don’t know. Maybe all of us who married at 19 and see what a bad idea it was should speak up and then you can show her this thread.i wish someone had told me DONT DO IT! No one did I might of listened. sad
I’m in my sixties. Happy with second husband.

OrgyOfBarminess Fri 03-Aug-18 04:10:13

How long are they planning on being engaged?

I think you need to look at it from her own perspective, they are making a stronger commitment to each other at this point which shows that they are both serious about their relationship however it's not 100% set in stone until they actually marry.

It's ok to be nervous about it, my father questioned my relationship with my now husband as I was 21 had issues with my MH six months previously and things moved incredibly quickly, I'd moved in within 6 months and my DH has a DS who was 4 at the time, he wasn't sure u was ready for the responsibility of becoming a SM and I don't hate him for asking the question because he could see how vulnerable I'd been.

We've been happily married for 3 1/2 years, we have a DS if our own who is coming up to 5 and a DD due any day now, my DSS and my DH literally turned my life around and I've never been happier. I needed the responsibility and the stability of family life.

I really hope it works out for you and you're daughter, but it ok to question it x

HolyPieter Fri 03-Aug-18 04:22:28

Any chance the BF is abusive and is forcing her into marriage?

Very odd that she'd get engaged this young.

ThatIsNachoCheese Fri 03-Aug-18 04:24:09

She is a young woman so it's entirely up to her. I had a baby at 19 and she turned out pretty good!
Let her make her own decisions (and her own decisions)

thaegumathteth Fri 03-Aug-18 04:35:24

Don’t get involved. You can’t not be active in her life and not allow her a childhood then get to have an opinion on something like this. I was engaged at her age and am still married at 37.

Halee Fri 03-Aug-18 04:35:48

Oh no he’s definitely not abusive. He is very religious. They both are. He truly treats her well

OP’s posts: |
mothertobe789 Fri 03-Aug-18 04:45:13

My parents got married at 19, they are still happily married 42 years later! Sometimes it works out. Just support her in each step of her life and be there the best you can.

Travelledtheworld Fri 03-Aug-18 04:51:12

So if he is very religious, thats why they got engaged !
No sex before marriage.
They want to sleep together without feeling guilty.
Have they set a wedding date yet ?

Halee Fri 03-Aug-18 04:56:19

I think sex might be part of it. She is majoring in theology and they say they haven’t slept together. She is very passionate about no sex before marriage. They have known each other for 8 years I know there is more to it than that. They obviously love each other it’s just hard for me to get my head around engagement. They just got engaged yesterday. No wedding date yet.

OP’s posts: |
NorthEndGal Fri 03-Aug-18 05:10:22

I was married at 20, everyone thought the world would stop turning or something, yet here we are about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.
Not saying people should, just saying that sometimes it works out wonderfully

Berniethecrabisthebest Fri 03-Aug-18 05:15:02

I started dating dh at 14 we got engaged when I was 17 married at 19. We have2 dc now and celebrated our 7 wedding anniversary last week

Zommum Fri 03-Aug-18 05:20:26

If you kick up a fuss it might push her into the marriage a lot faster. I would talk to her about it, and listen to her, but not be negative except maybe say are you sure it's what you want. I wouldn't be paying for the wedding, but offer help organising if she asks. Hope they want a big wedding and have to save for a few years to pay for it. 19 is too young, but they can divorce, I would be more concerned if she was pregnant.

MountainPeakGeek Fri 03-Aug-18 05:27:01

I wasn't engaged that young, but I started seeing dh when I was 19 and we're still together, very happily married, 26 years later. I totally understand why you're concerned, but it might work out for them too.

Nodnol Fri 03-Aug-18 05:27:26

I got engaged when I was 19. We celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in January.

All you can do is love her and hope she has a good marriage. And be there if she doesn’t.

Aragog Fri 03-Aug-18 05:30:17

Whilst it feels so long and I wouldn't really advocate getting engaged at such a young age, young relationships can and do work for many people.

I met and started 'going out with' dh at 16, in lower sixth. We were the same age. We didn't get engaged whilst young but we were exclusive with one another, despite different universities we stayed together visiting every other weekend as a minimum. This was pre internet so it was phone calls and old fashioned letters! We did stay together throughout though and have now been happily a couple for 28 years and married for 20 years (as of tomorrow - though actually it will be 'today' in the U.K. but we are in the US at the moment.)

Encourage them to not rush into things and spend time getting to know one another as grown ups for a bit.

AjasLipstick Fri 03-Aug-18 05:37:42

Meh. I was engaged at 18. Didn't marry him.

JustLikeBefore Fri 03-Aug-18 05:40:59

Don’t get involved. You can’t not be active in her life and not allow her a childhood then get to have an opinion on something like this

^This

SpareASquare Fri 03-Aug-18 05:53:56

At least she's not pregnant at 19. That would be worse. She still has time to realise what she's doing.

Tough one OP because you can't suddenly be 'there' if you weren't before. On the other hand, it must be so hard to pretend to be happy for her.

I really don't think you can do anything but cross your fingers and hope for the best.

frenchfancy Fri 03-Aug-18 06:07:33

An engagement without a wedding date is nothing to worry about. I got engaged at 18 and broke up 6months later. If you like him and think she's happy then be happy for them.

THEsonofaBITCH Fri 03-Aug-18 06:15:13

DN (niece) who was a freshman in university, told us at 18 she was engaged to a boy/man she met at uni and they were planning on marrying as soon as they graduated. Suggested long engagement and they wait until after they started their careers because I couldn't understand how they could pledge to live their lives together when through uni they were still learning who they were as people and who they were going to become never mind all the other aspects of marriage - where to live for careers, when to have kids, etc. She got pregnant and married the following year, divorced at graduation as they decided they wanted different things. hmm

CesiraAndEnrico Fri 03-Aug-18 06:21:20

I got married at 18 to my first husband, who I moved in with at 16. It might sound odd, but my motivations were not love, sex, nor even particularly wanting to be married.

I was kind of trying to re-create my family (which had been blown apart) by proxy. My parents had become emotionally unavailable due to their own issues. My family decimated. I was trying to create the marriage shaped crucible to magic up what I needed from my parents, but they had become unable to give. The security. The stability. On some level I honestly believed that if I provided the marriage, all the pain and grief over the loss of my family would be resolved. Because with a (surrogate) resurrected marriage the loss and grief would no longer have a wound to live in and infect.

I obviously can't crawl into your daughter's head and know what is in there, but it is possible that on some semi/sub-conscious level it is an attempt to make what she needed, but didn't get from her own family. Over the years I've met a good few people, male and female, whose marriages were built on a not so dissimilar foundation.

cakecakecheese Fri 03-Aug-18 06:33:52

You just have to let her get on with it. If she's studying maybe it'll be a long engagement? Maybe gently encourage that, suggest travelling etc first?

Sometimes getting married young can work out but if it doesn't she'll still be OK.

Also when I was 18/19 quite a few of my friends got engaged, none of those weddings ever happened.

somewhereovertherain Fri 03-Aug-18 06:36:29

My parents met at 14. Engaged at 18-19. Married and 21. My dad died last year at 73 they had been married over 50 years.

It way work it may not.

Also being religious doesn’t mean not abusive. Some religions are totally controlling and absuive sects.

SlugsyMalone Fri 03-Aug-18 06:37:33

It does seem young, but if they haven’t set a date yet perhaps it will be a long engagement. As PP have said it can all work out, I was engaged at 21 while still at university, and have been happily married almost 20 years now.

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