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What age did you move out?

(41 Posts)
ChillUrBeans Tue 31-Jul-18 12:44:04

DS went to Uni last August and stayed residential. Dropped out in May but had been offered FT job in field he was studying so I was ok with that as I knew he wasn't happy at Uni.

Whist there his GF (18) parents kicked her out (for staying night at his) so I think she mainly stayed at his in Uni accommodation. Since he moved back to home town she has been house sharing but this has all fallen through.

Both work full time (she is on apprenticeship wage and gets top up from UC). I think he is really wanting to private rent with her now and I am not sure how I feel about it?

On one hand, I feel like he is pressured from her because she literally is on her own in world (her mom still won't speak to her and her family is moving abroad in next few weeks) and he feels like its his fault she got kicked out and now feels that he can't leave her. He had told me that he really wanted to save and be able to buy something in a few years but he knows she wants him to be with her now.

I really wanted him to be able to enjoy having a decent wage picks up between £1300 - £1600) depending on his hours (works between 40-60 hours per week) and going on hols, spending on fun stuff and still save. Once he is living the GF this is not likely to happen but I know he helps her financially anyway.

On other, he never stays at ours really anyway, is till paying rent but isn't really eating at our either. We have still been taking rent (saving it for him but he doesn't know) as I wanted him to get used to having to stick to paying bills, so I get he would use this to his part of rent and I wouldn't feel like I was ripping my own DS off.

DH thinks I am being stupid. He said that if he completed Uni he wouldn't have been home anyway and that 19 and in FT work is old enough to live on his own and thinks I should let him - even encourage!

I worry 19 is too young and too much pressure BUT I lived at home rent free until 21 then bought my own house. DH left home at 16/17 and has never looked back. I did have friends who had children and 17 and 18 and were given council places but I have seen them struggle and DH struggled in past. DH has said he can always move back if it all goes tits up so can't see problem.

I don't think I am ready for him to move out (pathetic I know blush).

What age did you move out and am I just struggling to cut the apron strings?

OP’s posts: |
itbemay Tue 31-Jul-18 12:52:49

I was 16, got a full time job and rented a lovely council flat (25 years ago)

QforCucumber Tue 31-Jul-18 13:04:53

19, did not have a relationship with my parents. Got out as soon as possible. Never gone back for more than a few hours.

IHaveBrilloHair Tue 31-Jul-18 13:07:22

21, but had been at Uni in term time before that.

jelliebelly Tue 31-Jul-18 13:08:40

Lived with my parents till I was 23 when I bought my first house (with a 100% mortgage shock) 25 yrs ago though

blueberriesandyogurt Tue 31-Jul-18 13:10:07

I went to uni at 18 years and then My DPs moved abroad when I was 19.

ChillUrBeans Tue 31-Jul-18 14:05:36

hhhmm I don't want him to think that he can't be honest with me if it goes wrong and needs to come home so I think I am going to have to pull my big girl pants up and let him know that if that is what he wants I will fully support him.

jellie that what I did - 100% mortgage and was only earning £7500 a year in FT job. I really struggled at times and was really crap at managing finances.

I don't know why I am struggling with this - I always wanted him to be independent and always said I wanted him to travel the world, maybe it is because I am not sure he is doing this completely off his own back.

Qfor that is pretty much DH - see MIL maybe twice year for few hours at time and FIL maybe 3 or 4 times for about same time.

Me and DH are so different in our family back grounds, I go to my moms at least once a week and have large family who are all close DH prefers his at a distance, it makes it a challenge sometimes to see his point of view on these things and vice versa.

OP’s posts: |
AdoraBell Tue 31-Jul-18 14:09:07

16. Couldn’t wait to get away abusive parents. Had a part time job and moved in abusive boyfriend.

Cherubfish Tue 31-Jul-18 14:12:20

I went to uni at 18, came home in the holidays, then moved out when I finished uni and got a job.

I think it's nice you don't want him to leave. Most parents of young adults are moaning that they don't want to move out!

387I2 Tue 31-Jul-18 14:16:33

I got my own place at age 18.5 and it was a slight struggle to cope with the washing machine, cooking, paying rent and all that. Why would age 19 be a more difficult time than, say, 21?

OhTheRoses Tue 31-Jul-18 14:18:17

Are you concerned about him moving from home or is it really because circumstances rather than choice are forcing his hand?

FortyFacedFuckers Tue 31-Jul-18 14:22:30

At 19 I had a DS and mortgage so I don’t think it’s too young if that’s what he wants.

Any chance him & gf can live with you for a year or so and see how that goes?

MamaMumMama Tue 31-Jul-18 14:55:56

16 and bought my first home at 22. Also had fuckwit boyfriend sponging off me from 17 but if you are focused- I always wanted to stand on my own two feet- he can achieve those things you desire for him. But it needs to be his goal. I also didn't attend uni but am now studying for a degree 15 years later. I feel sorry for the girl you speak of, her family sound like a*holes.

ChillUrBeans Tue 31-Jul-18 15:00:15

Cherub tbf to him, he is never really much hassle, don't get me wrong he has had some real knob head moments but never disrespectful. Can be a bit lazy at times re tidying up after himself (like will wash up but forget to wie sides etc) but will always do stuff if asked. Stealths in if he has been out, never wakes us up.

38712 I think because I know at 19 you feel like an adult but I know he is just starting out - and I spose I wanted more/better for him than what I did.

OhThe I think that you have hit the nail on the head - I think if he had come to me and said he wanted to move out I would have been a little less worried. I feel that he is doing it because he doesn't want to let GF down or see her homeless again.

She could have lived with them at ours but we have pets and she is shit scared of animals - all of them! We have to lock them in bedrooms when she comes over and when they stay - she doesn't leave his room until we do an animal round up. I couldn't re-home my dog (10) and cat (6) and I genuinely don't think DS would want that either.

FWIW I do really like her, she is lovely and I feel for her with how her parents have been towards her. I am not naive, I thought there was more to it but her aunt (who lives up north where she is from) told me her sister (GFs mom) is to swayed by her DH and has always wanted it to be just the 3 of them (they have young DD - GF is his SD) and she has cut links with all her family. Aunt couldn't take her in though.

OP’s posts: |
ChillUrBeans Tue 31-Jul-18 15:01:41

MamaMumMama cross post but so do I

OP’s posts: |
MrsRubyMonday Tue 31-Jul-18 15:20:13

If he had stayed in uni, chances are he would have been moving into privately rented accommodation from his second year. I did, most of my friends did, and many moved in with boyfriends or girlfriends. Even the ones who moved in with friends risked arguments, things not working out, lack of money, that's part of moving in with anyone for the first time. He's got to do it eventually, just let him know he always has somewhere to come back to if he needs it, and let him grow up. He's an adult, he will be fine.

JustDanceAddict Tue 31-Jul-18 15:53:53

23 - after being at home for a year after uni. Moved in with Boyf who is now dh.

Rebecca36 Tue 31-Jul-18 16:30:00

It's understandable that you feel your son is too young to be living with a girlfriend at the moment but there's not much you can do about it as he is legally an adult.

A house-share might be a good idea for both of them, perhaps with another couple of young people. Then it's not quite 'living together' but they have independence and freedom. Find out if they have friends who would share with them. House sharing doesn't always go well so they have to be prepared for that (& you). If g/f has already done it, she probably knows the pitfalls.

I was eighteen when I moved away from parents (wanted to do it from 13!). My son was nearly 22 when he fled our nest. We're all different.

BackforGood Tue 31-Jul-18 16:58:56

Personally, I was 25 - when I bought my first home, but my siblings never really returned (except various temporary, short term stays) from when they left for university at 18.

Like ohTheRoses, I don't think this is about him moving out per se, but about seeing him "tied down" and feeling responsible for another person so young. I can understand that. I have dc a similar age. Quite happy for them to be in their house shares, etc, but would feel sad if they couldn't make all those decisions about how they spend their money.
19 is a time for choosing between running a car or going on a fab holiday for many of their peers, and you feel he is missing out.

Davros Tue 31-Jul-18 20:29:42

17 but I now think I was too young as parents moved away and I had no home base or back up. Rented a shit hole with friends, did not live with a bf which would have been swapping one sort of domestication for another. I thought it was great at the time but in reality it was hard

ParkheadParadise Tue 31-Jul-18 20:37:15

I was 18 when I moved out. I already had dd aged 3. We moved into a brand new council house (23yrs ago).

haribosmarties Tue 31-Jul-18 20:44:00

I was 16. I was probably too young as I was trying to complete sixth form and work to pay my rent....
My parents took the whole 'if you leave this house to be with him then dont expect to be welcome back' line over my boyfriend who they did not approve of... so I left and never returned....and that would probably make my advice to you... do not get overly involved in your sons dynamics with his girlfriend. It never ends well. Even if you think he is not making the right decisions stay well back... he needs to go through it himself and the main thing is that he still has a good relationship with you. He may indeed waste money on getting a flat with her etc... but thats his call and his lesson to learn

Meandyoumake2 Tue 31-Jul-18 20:47:26

Could they move into a house share? Save some money,experience living together and get a by of independence? I went to uni,came home at 23 moved out for around 3 months,realised the grass was greener and moved home - just make sure he (maybe her too? Are welcome. I stayed put until I met my partner and moved out at 26!

BonnieF Tue 31-Jul-18 21:02:41

18. I never really moved back home after going away to University.

I grew up on a council estate in a shithole ex-mining town in Derbyshire. I couldn’t wait to get out, and never wanted to go back. I was the first person in my family to enter higher education and after 3 years at university I no longer had much in common with ‘home’.

SlimmingMumOf1 Tue 31-Jul-18 21:04:12

19

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