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DD's dilemma, but only one answer I think

(17 Posts)
PingPongBat Wed 04-Jul-18 17:22:10

Ages ago I bought 3 tickets for a London show in the summer, for me, DD & a friend of her choice. DD chose Molly (not her real name). However, M & DD have been not the best of friends recently. M has a history of letting DD down at the last minute, in favour of something more interesting (new year party, day out etc) & spends most of her time with a group of self-centred girls who only seem to be interested in their appearance. M complains about them to DD, how they make her feel inadequate if she does/says/wears the wrong thing. DD feels that M can only be her real self with DD, i.e. letting her hair down, being silly, laughing till they cry, basically mucking about & having a relaxed time. M never seems to do this with the other girls, but seems to rely on them in some way. M has also bought the same dress for prom after asking to see DD's dress & couldn't see why DD was upset hmm M can be lovely, but also really thoughtless. I'm not sure why DD stays friends with M - she says she loves M but hates what she does a lot of the time.

So of course DD really doesn't want to take M to the show, but having invited her ages ago I don't think she can un-invite her. DD knows it would be a horrible thing to do, with all sorts of ramifications. I think part of DD's thought process is that she'd prefer to take her BF & she's telling herself she would have a better time with him, rather than M. There's no way out of this one, is there. Gah, teenagers... sad

OP’s posts: |
kaldefotter Wed 04-Jul-18 17:25:36

Of course your DD can uninvite her. There’s no harm in M learning that there are consequences to her unkind behaviour. Allow your DD to stand up for herself and not subject herself to unpleasant behaviour from a so-called friend.

iggleypiggly Wed 04-Jul-18 17:27:59

No problem in un inviting her. Her ‘friend’ clearly treats her as an option and not a priority, she should do the same.

Leeds2 Wed 04-Jul-18 18:03:01

In won't be an easy thing to do, but I think I would uninvite M too. Before she does though, talk through with DD all the potential consequences.

MyWaterButtIsEmpty Wed 04-Jul-18 18:08:58

Of course she can uninvite her. M has treated her like crap. Either your DD can show her that dicking people around has consequences, or that she is happy to be walked all over and will still come back for more. What if M ditches her for something better on the night of the show?

Namechange128 Wed 04-Jul-18 18:11:50

Normally I'm all pro respecting prior commitments etc but I had a friend like this at school and wish I'd had the guts to not continue being a backup option. She's within her rights to uninvited M and take her boyfriend, sounds way more fun.

Atalune Wed 04-Jul-18 18:15:40

I think your DD is well within her rights to tell her to do one!

HollowTalk Wed 04-Jul-18 18:18:07

The lesson to be learned here is to buy two tickets for your daughter (in future) without specifying who the other ticket is for. Friends often come and go and that age.

PingPongBat Wed 04-Jul-18 19:51:29

Namechange128 I was expecting everyone to be pro respecting prior commitments – I’m very strict on this with my teens, as a point of principle, it’s just good manners, isn’t it?

Leeds2 DD & I had a chat earlier about the implications of possibly un-inviting M. DD knows M will be gutted. M is also likely to post passive-aggressive stuff on social media, talk about it to her friends who will stare DD down at school etc. Also DD will have to be with M in an A-level class next term – they have the same choice for one subject & a very small set.

Found out some more detail about M’s behaviour & how it impacts on DD, & I didn’t know the extent of it. E.g. she’s dropped DD in it by telling her mother they were going to see a film, when they were actually going shopping – M’s mother later asked DD about the film & M panicked as she had no idea M had lied. Another time M was on the phone to her mother while out shopping with DD, telling her mother she only had a sandwich to eat – but M’s actually had a sandwich, crisps & sweets & is munching on a Big Mac & fries while speaking to her mother. M told her mother (without DD’s knowledge) that she & M were going to Pizza Express but used the money her mother gave her for lunch to buy clothes instead. MyWaterButtIsEmpty - DD is putting it all together in her mind and is coming to the conclusion that she is indeed being treated like crap.

HollowTalk yes, indeed this is a lesson learned sad. I had thought carefully about it when I told her about the tickets earlier this year, but they’d been through lots of ups & downs & seemed to have recovered. Looks like the ‘friendship’ has reached the end of its life now though.

DD is going to mull it over for a few days so she can compose herself before speaking to M.

OP’s posts: |
MyWaterButtIsEmpty Wed 04-Jul-18 20:15:55

Respecting prior commitments is a good thing, but not to the point where it allows people to make a mug of you. Piss takers walk all over decent people, safe in the knowledge that the decent person is constrained by manners and social mores that they ignore
Let's face it, M wasn't bothered about ditching your DD on New Years Eve, of all days. See how she likes it when the shoe is on the other foot.

Sundance2741 Wed 04-Jul-18 23:15:56

Respect should be mutual. I'm all for not letting people down but also for not being a doormat. Let your dd take whoever she likes.

Noeuf Wed 04-Jul-18 23:20:22

I think they are still young and you can have more than one friends why can't M just be someone your dd hangs out and enjoys seeing - you say they act silly, laugh etc.

I have friends I see and I know I'm not their best mate. Likewise I have very close friends and then people I like spending time with.

I think cancelling M would unleash a shitty experience your dd doesn't need.

SleepWarrior Wed 04-Jul-18 23:33:23

I think I'd honour the agreement (because doing what you've said you'd do is important) but to phase out the friendship if she's being treated badly.

There's always the possibility that m may let her down and not come anyway.

sirmione16 Wed 04-Jul-18 23:42:20

I think you've been fair and spoken through consequences of inviting and un-inviting M, now you need to trust her to make her decision and tell her you support her either way. She might deep down feel that this would be a good "release" from M and long needed. She might deep down realise they'll have a lovely time and forget all the issues. Either way, when it comes to it - act like it was never an issue who she chose. Good luck! Teen drama is horrible

Jackyjill6 Thu 05-Jul-18 06:41:53

Ideally (in an adult world) your DD would speak to M about how she feels about M's actions so M has the opportunity to change that.

I am just thinking that by just uninviting her she is falling into the trap of behaving in a similar way to M.

PingPongBat Thu 05-Jul-18 21:08:19

Noeuf the trouble is that DD never really knows when M will let her down. There's no trust left. So a day of being silly & having a great time will be followed by another two occasions when M pulls out of arrangements at the last minute. It's soul sapping for DD. That's not what friendship is supposed to be like, is it?

Jackyjill6 DD has done this before, many times. Each time M turns the conversation round to herself and how she feels. It's just all about M.

DD is taking her time on this one, I'm not 100% sure which way she'll go tbh.

OP’s posts: |
argumentativefeminist Thu 05-Jul-18 21:14:09

Don't invite her. She's nasty and she's, in your own words, sucking the soul out of your DD. Your daughter deserves better.

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