Struggling to parent 12 year old dd

[Lavenderdays]

Just wanted somewhere to write about my frustrations of parenting my dd (12). It's as if whatever will tell her doesn't sink in. She recently had end of year tests...dh and I gave her tips on how to approach it...did she take any of them on board? No. Result: some dodgy marks.

Also, school related is the fact that one of dd's so called friends is undermining her in really what amounts to bullying, then being nice then reverting back to putting my dd down. DD does realise this and is now starting to hang around with other girls who are much nicer but not as exciting as this other girl and dd misses the drama so has kept in touch with her. I have talked through how this girl's actions might affect dd's self esteem etc. and it worries me that she wants anything to do with her...it's like she is weaning off of an addiction, still at least these other girls are in the picture I suppose and she is trying but it stresses me out to see dd caught up in this.

The next thing is that she doesn't shower. I have to nag her to get into it or else make sure she has a bath at night. I have noticed that her school blouses are beginning to smell - she has deodorant, clean blouses, available shower - all the tools she needs to maintain her hygiene, other than frog march her into doing these things there seems little else I can do (I have given her a talk about how she could be bullied, how she is growing and changing etc.) but it seems to little effect.
The other thing is that she seems addicted to screens and can't self regulate which has resulted in me removing her computer from her bedroom (bought for homework purposes primarily because I sometimes work from home on the other one). Hours, literally hours she would spend on it left to her own devices. So then she moved onto her phone. DH tried to disconnect wifi/games from it yesterday evening and was unable to so now we are left with the confrontational scenario of me saying "give me your phone please."

In frustration, I verbally attacked my dh yesterday evening and it was really unpleasant. I think what I was trying to say was help me, I don't seem to be managing this but to be fair dh has tried similar things. On top of this I have two other younger children - one a baby, so sleepless nights etc. aren't helping and parenting feels like fire fighting at the moment. I know that I need to praise the good in dd, not keep going on at her but it feels so difficult when it seems she has to learn the hard way/from mistakes about everything and I feel totally frustrated and stressed about her welfare.

[bonbonours]

Just to say as far as the school stuff is concerned it sounds familiar, I think they are still finding their way with secondary school and I am also struggling with interfering the right amount. Think to an extent they have to make their own way.

On the screens front I recommend investing in an app called screentime. You can set limits on her devices from your phone and when time is up it won't work. You can set tasks they can do to earn more time. Eg do piano practice, tidy room etc. It's great and takes the confrontation out of it.

[CheeseyToast]

I'm not sure any kids can self regulate their screen time, heck even their parents can't.

Perhaps think about using an app like Screen Time which allows you to set time limits with access restricted outside of agreed hours.

The school work thing - tell us more about her how she copes at school, has she been a consistent achiever? Struggled? Gone under the radar? Easier to figure out how to help when you look at the overall picture.

The hygiene thing, you're just going to have to keep drumming it in. Be kind but firm. Maybe get her to draw up a short check list eg. Evening- shower, teeth, bed
Morning - deodorant, dress, breakfast, hair teeth
And have her check them off as she goes. Don't write the list for her, it's important that she takes ownership of it. Praise her a lot for what she gets right.

You sound overwhelmed.

For now just tackle one or two little things. You can't change your daughter's behaviour overnight but you can encourage her to make positive changes, little by little.

[Lavenderdays]

Thanks, so much for listening ladies...it means a lot just to be heard. The app screentime sounds invaluable and I will get on to that later.


Yes, overwhelmed...my middle child's favourite phrase at the moment is "Yes, whatever!" if she is asked to do something she doesn't want to do. She needs attention to, I try to give it, usually with baby under one arm but berate myself for not being a fun mummy enough...sometimes, I am just tired. She is due to start school in September and I think it will be good for us all! My baby is a colicky baby too, which isn't a bundle of fun either. We have no family support whatsoever and most of my friends have older children 8+ so I don't have anyone who can immediately relate to the baby stage/sleeplessness. The people I know, seem to tell me the positive things about their children, making me feel that I am alone with these issues although I do have one friend I can have a bit of a moan to without feeling judged, the others I struggle to open up to.

[Lavenderdays]

Cheesy...the school thing, she is at a grammar school and surrounded by high achieving children. She is probably around average if not a little bit below in that setting and her grades fluctuate. But this is O.K for me, what isn't O.K is the fact that sometimes she doesn't put in the effort/leaves everything to the last minute and becomes easily distracted. However, she did get a couple of reasonable marks on the subjects she put a bit more effort into...hopefully, it will start to sink in that she needs to be a bit more prepared. What frustrated me, was that she wouldn't listen to my advice on revision techniques (I have a good degree, so learnt some techniques during this time)...nope, she just wouldn't follow advice. Frustrating! She knows that if she has difficulties in a subject, for example Maths, that we could seek tutoring, plus her dad can help her - she is well supported...perhaps a little too well supported. I sometimes wonder if I am a classic helicopter parent but as a parent you just want what's best for them because you believe they can't see it for themselves (we have discussions around the cost of living etc.)
Little, by little is good advice...it is typical for me to lump everything together instead of breaking things down. It helps to write things down (typing now while baby sleeps).

[molliepops01]

I want to thank you for writing this as this is my life with dd who is 13. This has been ever since she started grammar school. Everything sound sthe sane... the so called friends.... personal hygiene... regulate screen time all of it!! I’m so glad I am not the only one pulling my hair out and having these dramas.
We have an app called our pact on phones and odd which helps regulate screen time.
I too have smaller ones including a 12 week old so completely get how frustrating and tiring it can be.
Hang on in there you have got this!!

[Thespringsthething]

I have a daughter this age and this is all exactly the same in our household. Me going purple trying to make her wash, her ignoring my brilliant advice on how to study/make friends (even though it took me years and lots of mistakes to work it out myself). Don't beat yourself up or her for that matter, she's normal and this is a period of adjustment where you are not the centre of her world any more and she has to start working out herself what makes a good friend and how to get good grades.

It is hard not to be negative but it does pay off if you breathe deeply, find the good they do, do a few nice things together and sometimes relax over their mistakes.

This is a tough time, you are doing fine though.

[tobee]

This is quite similar to how my dd was. She didn't take any notice about my getting cross, removing privileges, being lovely and understanding, trying to enthuse her with regards to school work. She also dodged the shower when she was old enough to do it herself.

I hesitate to say this because it's trotted out so often but dd was diagnosed as asd last year at 22. High functioning. She still only works to a deadline, when it's serious, she's interested. She did well enough to get a degree from a top university but I wonder what she would have achieved if she wasn't asd.

She now can't imagine not showering every day but forgets to clean her teeth and brush her hair often.

As I say I hesitate to mention this but lack of executive function skills and issues with motivation are often overlooked symptoms of asd.

As for self regulation of screen time I don't know any teenager that can do that personally.

[Lavenderdays]

It is comforting to know that I am not in the same boat (even though I know it isn't particularly of comfort to those experiencing all of this).

I think we are having a break through with the friendship issue thing - dd seems to have made some pleasant friends this time and she is working on spending more time with them - a definite plus (we discussed it this evening on the way home in the car). Hope I didn't sound condescending but I told her I was really proud of her for having the courage to break away and develop other friendships. She told me that she feels she can be more herself with these other girls and after our discussions, I am hopeful that she will be able to set a few boundaries now.

Yes tobee, have wondered about the asd thing but haven't looked into it further. What are the benefits of being diagnosed? If there aren't any, I don't think I would pursue it...but I have definitely considered it as a possibility.

[Lavenderdays]

mollie...it sounds as if we have similar aged children too, my baby is two weeks older than yours, so we are probably facing similar issues. I love mumsnet for this...finding people in a similar boat when in real life despite knowing several people locally, there is no one else that I have come across who is going through a similar thing x

[molliepops01]

Who’s greatbidea was it to have teens and newborns? 😬😬😂 I know exactly what you mean... have tried talking to some of the few mums I do know at the school and they don’t seem to have the dramas or if they are they aren’t forthcoming to sharing them. That’s how I found this chat room- through sheer desperation! It was so reassuring to know I wasn’t alone and that actually a lot of her behaviour is “typical” ... PM if you ever need to- we can support each other- especially when it is too early for wine!!! X

[tobee]

Well as I said dd didn't get diagnosed until she was 22 because we were worried about her being labelled. She had a lot of help from school anyway with ed psych tests giving her extra support (it didn't test for asd). I do think it would have been good if she'd had a diagnosis for university. They might have given her better help with some of the practicalities of life there. She managed to cope despite this. She's not good at asking for help from professionals or strangers.

However, if people get diagnosed they definitely get help if it's disclosed on job applications. I think they get guaranteed interviews etc.

[CheeseyToast]

Lavender I hear what you say about feeling frustrated with your daughter for failing to take advice or premiers adequately for exams, but try to believe that this is very normal. In general, kids will listen to everyone except their parents 🤔
And the exam prep is all part of education, it takes practice just like everything else.
Maybe try to stick to praise for the bits she's working on eager than criticism did the bits she's not doing. Easier said than done I know

[Lavenderdays]

Thanks Mollie may take you up on that. Wine...yes, I have visions of a wine bottle that drifts into and out of my head but breastfeeding so have to resist x plus could easily become an alcoholic in these circumstances! I have a 4 year old sandwiched in between and I am having a lot of joy with her also. Again not listening when I say...no. Me: you can't wear that necklace to playgroup, it may get caught around your neck and choke you (loads of climbing equipment outdoors). dd- "I want to." Me: "I've just explained to you why I don't want you to wear it, you can put it on when you get home." dd. "I want to wear it." Me: "You are not going to wear it to pre-school, if you carry on (resulting to bribery now as we are running late for preschool) you will not have cake/sweets/chocolate later." dd: "I want sweets..." Cue wailing all the way to pre-school and getting into a tired, snotty mess. Baby joins in with crying too (fortunately settles again).
Relieved to know that some of this behaviour is normal x