Is it ever a good idea to move schools because your child has no friends

[Monkee4]

Daughter 13 at a girls school. Struggled with friendships for the last 3 years. Very minimal contact with anyone outside school despite us trying to encourage and organise as well. She is funny and kind but youngest in the class. She tends to be disorganised and forgetful but apart from that we seriously don't know what to do to help her. She has been to counselling as she is very low and we were worried about her. What do you think - does it ever help this kind of situation moving schools or will it be the same for her and then worse if you know what I mean. Very very sad for her tonight. Lots of tears :(((

[catandpanda]

If she's being bullied then its worth moving. If its more social skills then moving may not help. Maybe discuss with teachers and try and get as much info as possible out of your daughter. Does she want to move?

My son wasn't great at friendships (ASD but very bright) and he improved when we joined David Lloyd and went there after school though not the cheapest option, local sports centre may have things to but its the cafe / clubs that are key to it. Being close to a school helps. If there's a girl she would like to be friends with maybe organise a day out for them if you can to something like cinema / trampoline park.

[bicky]

I had the same with my 9 year old, spent every playtime alone, my daughter is quite disorganised but she’s dyslexic and I think that is part of it, after lots of tears I just thought sod it, let’s try it, nothing ventured and all that, it was the best thing I ever could have done, I don’t think she’ll ever have one best friend but she has a bunch of friends at her new school & the difference in her is amazing. Scouts is good for making new friends aswell

[twinklylights]

I have a similar issue with my own dd13. She has two 'friends' that she sometimes sits with at breaktime but she has little in common with them, doesn't really like them as they can be quite unkind to her but feels that someone is better than no one. She longs for some friends. We also regularly have tears. She is very shy and so trying to convince her to try some after school clubs has fallen on deaf ears. We have looked at another couple of schools but I fear she may be too nervous to give one a try. It's so upsetting to see her unhappy.

[Monkee4]

Thanks - she used to do dance but wanted to stop as she felt she didn't fit in. I have actually tried to get her to Guides but the local troup were not very good. We have since moved areas and have applied to Scouts tonight to see if there are any places. Have spoken with the school a few times they always say - there doesn't seem to be a problem, she seems fine etc etc.

[Monkee4]

Hi twinklylights I feel your pain :(
its horrible to see them suffer
DD said tonight that she is just putting up with it till she can leave school. It shouldn't be like that for her.

[Monkee4]

Thanks for all your advice. She has joined a gym and does go on her own or with another girl who isn't a friend but goes to the gym.

[Monkee4]

I don't know if she has some type of thing - she never asks anyone questions about themselves and I am always asking - to be told "dunno"
Like where do they live, do they have siblings, do they have pets, what are their star signs, do they like cheese? I don't know anything! Is this normal for kids these days - they know nothing about each other. Or am I just really nosey (like my mother :))

[twinklylights]

Yes Monkee same here! I just hold my breath every day and hope she comes home feeling a bit more positive but it isn't happening.

[Monkee4]

Don't know what else to do but cry and post here.
She is being totally ostracised by her friends now. Several parties and sleepovers organised she has found out about and she is not included in. I have tried ringing a couple of parents to ask for their "honest" opinion. Told them I wont' be offended I'm just trying to help DD. They both told me they haven't heard anything about her. I am so mad at some of the girls who have known her for years. She says she's not going back to school. She can't concentrate on anything. She is so broken by this. I just want someone to tell me why so I can help her. Nobody tells the bloody truth it drives me completely bananas!!!!!!

[TheHobbitMum]

Honestly if that was my DD I'd move schools. She's so miserable I'd apply for September so she could start with the new start of term. I don't think it could hurt to give it a try

[claraschu]

My sociable, friendly, easygoing daughter spent year 7 at a very highly respected girls' school. She hated it so much and was so miserable there, though she wasn't actually being bullied. The atmosphere seemed to create factions, and you had to belong to a group in order to have an identity and friends.

As soon as she moved to a small coed school, she was fine- apparently everyone is just an individual again, like in primary school.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Would a change of class be possible? Any lunchtime clubs? I would consider a change of school but maybe alongside some social skills work. Something like the book The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens With Asperger Syndrome. Even if she doesn't have ASD there are useful tips in there. Maybe some acting lessons so she learns to 'act interested'.

[Monkee4]

Thankyou everyone. I agree with your comments she spent a terrible year 7 because she had befriended a girl none of the others “liked” thought was “weird” and the 2 of them were ostracised for the whole of the year. Year 8 she moved classes and year 9 is bad again. The atmosphere sounds just like OP said. The classes are small and this makes it worse. She is terrified to move schools - as I know I would have been at that age. But we are going to have to help her do it. Thanks for the book recommendations I am going to get those.

[SaltyMyDear]

Def move schools.

A mixed school may have a different atmosphere and suit her better.

[keepingbees]

I would move her, I know it's hard but if she's miserable with no friends then there's nothing to lose. School life is too short and precious to spend feeling miserable and depressed

[NotARegularPenguin]

Move her. I wish I’d moved dd sooner. She had friends in year 7, they fell out in year 8. Miserable in years 8 and 9. I told her it would be better in year 10 as groups would be mixed up with options, etc. It got no better, she was depressed and suicidal by year 11.

Have moved her for sixth form and she’s literally the most popular girl in her new school. Has a boyfriend, has loads and loads of friends. Total personality change,

[PrettyLovely]

I would move her definitely.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

I would move her. From what you’ve said I honestly think you’ve got nothing to lose and potentially everything to gain.

[abitoflight]

I would agree with move her
DD. had this since Y7 too
She's now year 10 and frankly counting the days until she leaves for 6 form. I'm just thankful she hasn't started self harming
It's heartbreaking. These last few years my heart sinks when I see she is phoning me in case it's another sobbing litany of exclusion, unkindness and spitefulness.
Again, v selective girls independent sch. I bloody wish I'd never set eyes on it.

[CherryPavlova]

If it’s a small, independent girls is there some way you could become involved and manipulate friendships? Arrange a girls and mothers spa session or cinema trip?
She goes to the gym with someone so why not guide her to develop that relationship?
How does she get on with your friends children of a similar age?
Have you arranged to speak to the teacher to understand the dynamics of class friendships and why your daughter feels excluded? Can she be supported to do small group activity or paired activities at school so she gets to know others? I’m thinking lunchtime work in the library, arranging a cake sale or helping with displays.
What about drama and school plays? Excellent for developing social skills and confidence.

[claraschu]

I posted earlier about my daughter's experience at a girls' school. My sons had similarly unhealthy experiences at a boys' school. I would look for a coed school with a liberal and friendly feel. Sometimes a big school can be full of tribalism and a small school can be very inclusive, depending on the ethos. The schools where my kids were happiest were smallish, alternative, non-uniform, friendly places.

I don't know if you are looking at both state and private alternatives, but I know that such schools may be impossible to find (or pay for if they are private).

[littlebillie]

I'm just in that place now and she is 14. Also using Instagram to fight her battles which I just fine it sad that she is arguing on there. Plus there are a few new friends who have appeared in her contacts who are friends for Instagram which is a no go for me.

[Monkee4]

Thanks - I seriously don't think if I organised an event anyone would come! I know that sounds defeatist but I don't think the other Mums are that interested. However you are right and I should give it a go.
I have always organised things for her and now I worry that at her age I shouldn't be so involved in arranging things (obviously still involved in a caring way) In year 7 we went to an event together one of the mums had organised and I've never been so upset in my life. She tried to talk to all of the girls and they literally deffed her out. The Mums already had their cliques and only two Mothers talked to me and I found out she was a friend of a friend and didn't even have a child at my daughters school! The other one was very nice but her child is very sporty and is in all the teams etc. The sports sqads have their own clique at the school and the sports department encourages it by singling them out every PE lesson. As my daughter says it's like "Squad! over here - everyone else just throw a ball about for a bit" Been to school before (was supposed to see them Friday but it got cancelled - school's line is always - she seems happy. I told them I need honest brutal feedback if necessary otherwise we are going to keep going round in a loop. The girls she went to gym with a few times - one has now moved abroad and I don't know about the other one yet - she felt out of her depth with them to be honest as they were "cool kids" and they ganged up on her after gym one day and she came home in tears.
She gets on well with kids the same age out of school - on holiday last year she met 3 lovely kids from another part of the country (with a gentle nudge from me) and they had a great time together all holiday.
I don't have that many friends with kids same age though and they are all a little way away now as we moved. I need to rectify that but when you work full time (and I am studying as well - it's not that easy)
She has done LAMDA since year 7 which she is great. However I do think she is missing lots of social cues in daily interactions. I have ordered the book another OP recommended as I looked at it online and although she may not have Aspergers there is lots in there about social interactions generally. Which no one tells you about really! Her Dad is fairly sociable but in a man's way - goes to the pub once a week etc.

[LynetteScavo]

Would she be happier in a mixed school?

My DD seems to be mostly friends with boys now she's at high school. The only friends she has who are girls are ones she went to primary school with.

[ZaZathecat]

What is there to lose by moving schools? It sounds like it can't be worse. I would try anything. There's also internet schools like Interhigh that suit some children. They learn from teachers in live on-line classes and can interact with the teacher and other pupils and have meet-ups I believe. It is at a cost though.