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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Terrified of the future

24 replies

chokkamocha · 15/06/2018 07:58

Please help me get my head round this.

My son 17, has been dealing weed. He left college, has been working part time and is genuinely a nice lad, but I found his stash and money and confronted him. He was open and honest and says “everyone doesn’t it”.
I’ve told him to stop or he leaves our home.

Am I unreasonable
What happens now with his accommodation
How do I get support for him without disclosing what he’s doing so he doesn’t get into trouble with the law

I am a broken mum.. he’s been through a huge amount including losing his dad a few years ago. We live in my partners home .. as you can imagine it’s been a difficult time for us all. We are a loving family

OP posts:

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chokkamocha · 15/06/2018 08:12

Just to add on, the thought of my son being homeless is terrifying, I am not sure where to get support on this. I can’t just throw him out can I? Legally won’t that have implication and morally I’m not sure I can cope

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 15/06/2018 08:15

2 local girls nearly died due to a very nice young drug dealer giving them a 'bad batch'

I have no sympathy.

chokkamocha · 15/06/2018 08:19

A bad batch of weed?

OP posts:

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/06/2018 22:18

I'm really sorry that you're in this position chokka, it must have been an awful shock to you. Ignore GreenTulips, that is the least supportive post I've ever seen on mn, and you don't get bad batches of weed and no-one is forced to buy it either.

I don't really know what to say to help though. What did your son say when you said that he had to stop or get out? Was he contrite?

Singlenotsingle · 15/06/2018 22:24

He's right when he says everybody does it. Not everybody obvs, but It's very common. Try to persuade him by all means, but you can't throw him out.
The stuff is all over the place, you can smell it when you walk down the street, and they have to get ig from somewhere. Tell him if he gets a criminal record as a drug dealer, he could find his futures ruined.

VioletCharlotte · 15/06/2018 22:36

Hi, sorry to hear you're going through this. I've got a 17 year old son too so can understand how you just be feeling. My best friend has just been through similar with her DS, she was devastated too. It just seems to be everywhere doesn't it? So many kids seem to do it. Kids who I've known since they were tiny. Intelligent kids with nice parents. And it seems to be much stronger nowadays than the stuff that was around when we were young, they seem to get properly hooked on it.

I've no idea what the answer is. Can only hope it's a phase and he'll grow out of it

Kareninfrance · 16/06/2018 08:17

Stop it now. No sympathy what so ever - if he is dealing this he will move to dealing other things.

Singlenotsingle · 16/06/2018 09:17

I'm sure if she could stop it now, she would! It's not that easy!

CanIGetARefund · 16/06/2018 09:25

I think you did the right thing. You can't actually stop him, no matter what people might think. You are right to tell him your boundary. He is doing it to make money and socialise. You could help him explore less dangerous ways of increasing his income and having social contact. There are non statutory agencies that will talk with him about risk reduction without involving the police.

specialsubject · 16/06/2018 09:44

no, not everyone does it .Only no life no prospect criminals. if that is all he associates with and he isnt the sharpest knife in the drawer then he will think everyone does it.

so what's the plan? graduating to dealing the big stuff? a few stints at hm pleasure? (because he will get caught). no chance of real job, real life, real fun?

I hope he is better than this and can see that his current path is a disaster. if he isnt better than that,then you must evict before the crime comes to you. seen it and it will make your life hell.

ChocEggNoThanks · 16/06/2018 09:56

I am sympathetic to your situation but I would not allow him to deal under your roof. I agree that he is likely to move on to dealing other drugs that will carry much heftier sentences. I would tell him that I love him, that I am worried about his future but if he insisted on continuing dealing I would tell him to pack a bag. I would do this knowing that it might put him further onto a difficult path.

Everyone has a line in the sand and dealing in my home would be mine. I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I know words are cheap. Only you know what you are willing to tolerate.

VioletCharlotte · 16/06/2018 10:32

Some of these replies are a bit harsh. There's many different levels of 'dealing'. It doesn't sound like the OP's son is pushing drugs at school gates. He's probably just selling a bit to his mates to fund his own usage. From what me and my friend have observed of her son and the group he mixes with, is that it tends to the more switched on teens that do this.

I'm not saying it's ok! But you do need to keep a sense of perspective. I'd really advise against him out. He'll end up sofa surfing and will quickly spiral downwards. Keep talking to him, let him know you love him and you're there for him, even though you don't agree with his choices. Make it clear that it's his choice to smoke weed, but you won't tolerate dealing.

You say in your OP that he's left college and is working part time. What's his plan for the future? It sounds like he's maybe a bit lost. 17 is a difficult age if you're not in college and have no idea where you want to do.

Singlenotsingle · 16/06/2018 10:33

ChocEgg "if he insisted on dealing..." No, he won't insist. He'll say "of course I'll stop" and then carry on doing it but being a lot more sneaky about it. Believe me, I know!

ChocEggNoThanks · 16/06/2018 11:06

Yes Single I imagine he would. At which point I would keep an eye out and if he was stupid enough to keep his stash and cash in my house I would help him pack it and some undies and ask him where he wanted me to drive him to.

I'm pretty chilled but like I said, line in the sand. We all have them and they are different for everyone. This would be one of mine. It may not be for the OP. She's the only one who can decide.

specialsubject · 16/06/2018 12:39

not much "switched on" about drug dealing! When he gets caught and a criminal record, it may eventually hit why only dumbos do this.

live near to it for a while. I suspect ideas of 'harsh' will change.

chokkamocha · 16/06/2018 13:44

Thank you for the supportive posts .. you know who you are 😉

I have talked with him, he’s such an open teenager I have the name of the supplier - which means he armed me with some brilliant ammunition..

He cried, he opened up, helped me understand it and gave the cash/weed back (and didn’t get beaten up)! I’ve told him he will have regular room/clothing searches until we trust him better and he’s fine with it.

I’m open, relaxed and had a f-ing wild time at his age so I’m vigilant and aware of how manipulative this age is (and how easily they are manipulated).

Thank you.. those positive messages helped me hugely x

OP posts:

chokkamocha · 16/06/2018 13:44

Oh and before anyone asks.. yes the olive have the dealers name!

OP posts:

specialsubject · 16/06/2018 13:48

a cry for help and someone was there. you are a star mum.

good luck in getting him out of this mess, fingers crossed.

bionicnemonic · 16/06/2018 13:50

He’s lucky to have you as his mum

VioletCharlotte · 16/06/2018 13:54

You sound like a lovely Mum. Hope things start to improve now! Teens are bloody hard work

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 16/06/2018 14:08

Sounds like a positive outcome, let's hope he gives it up for good. Remember there are places like Frank you can call for advice as well.

myheartgoesout · 16/06/2018 14:17

It's not all gloom and doom. My friend at Uni dealt weed for a while - he wasn't caught doing that but he was caught smoking weed and kicked out of halls, he took an obscene amount of drugs while there but he made a clean break from drugs and is drug free now and he's a teacher in a secondary school - Head of Year last time we spoke doing really well and he feels his struggles in his life help him to help the teens that he deals with. His parents never gave up on him.

chokkamocha · 16/06/2018 18:00

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:

argumentativefeminist · 16/06/2018 18:08

It sounds like you've done absolutely the right thing and congrats for raising a son who feels able to open up to you 💕 for everyone saying not everyone does weed, that's true, but a large proportion of millenials do because we've got poor mental health and terrible future prospects... and if I could blame one previous generation for that I know who it would be

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